I guess you really lose that sense of home when you've been gone 3 months. You expect everyone to change along with you, although they haven't had a new setting, new people to change with, like you have. I feel like nothing here has changed. Like i'm living the same life I was in the summer, having the same conversations.

I've craved... more, lately. And I don't know if that came with Colorado, but it certainly felt like it did.
I must admit to you though, its one of those nights. One of those nights where the time goes on forever, and so does the music. And the snow is really good at keeping me inside, lately. Inside, alone.
... I think too much.

We'll meet and say hello and greet eachother like we havent seen eachother in ages. We haven't, since...

You'll say I look good, and we''ll sit down at that counter where our reflection shines through its surface. I'll ask how work is going, and if that novel ever got anywhere near done.
You'll say "I'm looking for something better, and... no"
And i'll nod and look out the window and lose myself in thoughts that replace dreams because dreams seem to unrealistic these days to even greet upon.

You'll ask "How are you doing since... then? Are you holding up okay?"
I will look past your eyes to free from guilt and say "Yes, things have been going really good."
You'll look down at the floor and wipe your hands on your napkin. And i'll dab at my lipstick, wishing to erase and throw around time in order for it to be something like those thoughts that replace dreams.

We're both thinking the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like a whole lifetime has passed while I have been here. I think like days like this where I go to do my laundry and go to the post office to mail off a package for my family (Which apparently costs more then the contents of the box are worth) that I never lived anyplace else. It was weird to think, before I got here, of anything else then there but now this place feels like home and i've fallen into the routine. Its funny because now that I'vé got on a plane and lived here for two months on my own, that i can do anything, now. It just feels natural to be independant, like this state of mind always existed.
Being surronded by beauty like this leaves you to forget the bad situations that are going on in your life. I feel like alot of those run-ins have happened, but I feel more at peace with it all, and I don't understand... that. I don't think I have to, and thats espescially hard to accept, since i've gone through life thinking that I have to have the awnsers to everything that involves my future.
Im sitting in Kind Coffee with Leah right now, looking out the window at the passing cars and how dark it is at 5:06. Im listening to Keane "Bad Dream" and with a chai, and these moments you remember why your living, and not just surviving.
Im doing more of this living thing, these days.

I must now explain to you this darkness, because I don't think you understand.

It sweeps over you and its the kind that dosen't give you a choice. Because, friend, I would have picked my way out of this destruction if I had something like a decision, there, in my hands.
It comes about on the longest season, and leads it to be even more unbearable then possible be.
Closing your eyes and escaping to a world that is only accomplished by a couple of chords and alot of noise sometimes help, but no matter how far you run you just don't.... escape.
And well, Im sick of it. Because I have been doing alot of running lately.

lately i feel like i have nothing to say because i am not me, not somebody else, just... nonexistent.
its hard living in a world when your not actually in it. or thats the way you feel.

adleast theres peace admist current situations. because if not, i don't know where i would be right now. probably headfirst in the dark, rather then only a foot in.

sometimes i feel the need to remember things to make right now seem more worthwhile. I don't believe I ever knew what worthwhile meant, but I know its out there because all my life I have been pushed to know something of it.

i got told the opposite yesterday. and i can't even explain to you how freeing that is.

I despise in the fact that everything I am here relies on my personal security and im okay with that.


It catches up to you sometime.

There is some days where I believe with everything in me that we just simply exist.

The fog has seemed to take not only my emotions with it, but any sense of direction in both my thoughts and what I believed to be true. Its like losing a part of you, but its the kind of losing you know your going to gain something back, even if its not the kind you expected to.

Sometimes my stomach hurts real bad about the thought of the way I seem to die when this season changes. Die with the change in the colors and the air and the conversation.

I felt like time existed only in that time of night when the moon moved across the sky faster then my thoughts about you and I, and it didn't matter that I faded into that single light and woke up only when it had decided to fade. Thats the time where you gain the thought that your actually here for something of a purpose and you can live with the thought that everyday is not only a day, but potential, and
you feel... okay.

We push and pull and I pull harder but I don't think you know.

I realize that its not fair that I always pull more to what I want, but I don't know if thats what you want, and im scared so I...


I basically just screamed it all out loud.

I reached out the other day for a hand but I didn't get the touch that I wanted. I believe that sometimes that is disguised by something else that is not you so that you don't have to feel it anymore, because I know it was hard.
You still don't get why I called an end to anything, but i am okay with it, because when I look at the way the lights glow along that path, and the way the pink seems to catch the water when im running away from life and things that I wish would never happen, but don't seem to do anything about, I remember that we exist only in a world that is of a black sky and a pretty scene, and that only could take place on that month, at that time when all was blurry to me anyways,
but no one ever knew that except you.

the blacks and the blues and espescially the oranges have faded, but I get the glimpse when the word is moving faster then it should and I am pulling on every inch of myself to get somewhere that the path that every one else is one is.

I forget what im talking about.

sometimes you lose who you are in something that you think you really should be, without striving, without reaching, without stretching, but you are there and you realize it and you don't know where to go because you don't remember how you got there and then you miss it,
home,
more then before and sometimes it hurts and other times you forget that it does and its better then you ever expected it to be.
but thats when you forget.

oh, im sorry,
i really did.

the light in these places seems to break into million of pieces and you try to look for them even though all you seem to hear are distinct and constant sounds and they seem to stick in your head and stay there even when its finally quiet. its quiet now and they seem to be louder then they've ever been.
and I feel alone more then ever, and so do the strangers downstairs in the bar and they look and they're open and i still don't feel any different. i sit and the window and try to block out the noises with the same remedy i always used. but that remedy never worked, and I'm positive its not going anywhere.

So think of me sometime when im blocking out the noises with other ones, and when im trying to find the pieces of the light and piece them back together.

i always want to say something that will mean more then an empty takeout case that sits on the sidewalk drowned in raindrops. I feel like everytime I get close to say something that will change the things that lie between us, you fight it.
do you fight it and not even know it?
or, what i'm afraid of has come true.

there is no strength left in me to do anything about it, anymore.

i walked that street tonight, the one i've walked so many times in the company of no one. the streelight never seemed to function the way it should and that made me think of what is between us.

i've gotten used to everything that is you: the importance of your routine, and the way you seem to admire me when night has fallen. the feel of the touch and what you make it mean. how you seem to remember the short distance between here and where it is going to be, and i don't know how i will stand it. the way you seem to never forget where i am or where i am going. the way things are suddenly seeming surreal for you, and different, and you don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.

it ironic the way i change my feelings toward change. but I know this time, where my favor will be. and it will be with you, and not this.

all i want right now, is everything that you would never want for me. i don't think that has to do with what you needed, either. because i think we correspond on this matter.

sometimes i'm looking out the window at all the nonexistent lights, and other times i walk between the swarm of people and the noise, but i don't ever forget. i will miss the time we shook hands and said goodbye. i will miss it because i think that will be the only time that things will be real for us.

im looking for all the wrong things. im looking for all the things that seem to go against what reality has set out for me.

sometimes im looking out the window at all the nonexistent buildings, and walking between the swarms of people and realize that life couldn't work any other way. And I don't know how it will. But that's how reality has set out for me.

i thought one day, and again, maybe today, that everything i've said lately seems to come right back to you.
i've tried so many ways to get inside anothers head, to pursue to live a life that didn't have anything to do with your conditional love, with your awkward actions and your selfishness.

i turned the corner, but you know I didn't really. I feel like some days that most of me is shrunk behind those shadows and I am waiting to come out.
You want me too, but you can't always win.
I think I want to too. But if there is some sort of conscience left in me, I think it comes out at this moments when it means that I have to give everything. I don't give anything. And I don't want you to think that I should.


The other day, I walked out of the shadows but I walked the other way. I walked the other way and I realized everything you had done, to me, and I realized, your not worth it. Not worth it, anymore. Your not worth it because I made a mistake and you won't care to forgive me.

never got the way you felt. About me. I never got it because I was used to having what I wanted and you came along and you changed that, not because you weren't want I wanted, but because you were what I needed and I failed to see that. I like when times on my side, but oh dear, it isen't now. It fades so slowly and its getting closer.... and all I want, is it back. I want something that is you back, so I can trace my finger along the dots and create a line. A line back to where I went wrong and you were all right.

I'm always too late.

i saw you the other day. i saw you through a rain soaked stretch of dirty pavement, that had once been littered with the tools that were used to destroy someones mind. the rain's intentions were to wash the unclean away, but i still saw the past.
sometimes i see you in things that disrupt my smile, and its funny, because sometimes i even see you in the way my name is screamed for everybody to hear and you don't even care. i thought about summer the other day, and how fast good things have to end, and all i could think about was you. and the way you always said my name in a way i thought was special, but you liked the way it sounded because you knew that you had me. i thought about the way you liked to tell me that i was not among this world, but more, and you only said that because you didn't want to look back. then i thought about its rare numbered occurences, but i knew it was you that wanted that. and what hurt the most, was thinking about the way i ran into your standstill, and you didn't seem to mind me disturbing. but then it was too much, too much for you, to handle. and you thought it would be all okay, because it was too much, for me, just in a different way, but i'm stronger then you, darling. i could have handled it. i could have handled it until,
i saw you in that look she gave me before she even knew anything. and then i remembered the way i couldn't look at you the same, even though i wanted it, in anger, so much, but i couldn't, because i wasen't that strong enough and you seemed to think your words were reasurring, even after you had picked up and moved someplace else.
but as piercing as that look was, and how much truth it showed me, it was nothing like the other day when i saw her and i gave her that look back. because, now you should know, we're even now.

most days, all I feel like I want is butterflies.
When I think about it again, I don't deserve that. How can I deserve that when I can't even stand the thought of caring for someone so much that I trust them? I put up this invisible wall, and only when your coming in do you see it, bump right into it.
But I don't get why you keep going... And everytime, I push you out. But its not only you, it's everyone. And its every one that has tried to keep going.

So why waste the effort? It's not coming down anytime soon.
No matter how much I want the butterflies.

Sometimes I forget that all this time has passed, and things aren't the same as they were then. Sometimes I think that were "those times" and other I feel the opposite. So much as changed, so much changes all the time and it all goes by like scenery does on a long car ride. Sometimes I feel like I favor it, but most of the time I don't.
Sometimes I really miss those people associated with those times, and other times I don't. Some nights, I feel it like it like it was then, and when nothing else seemed better. When the people that had meant so much to me beforehand, the feelings seemed thin. I didn't realy seem to care what fair was, but I didn't think I knew what the hell fair was, if I did. All that passed through my mind was how what had happened had threw me into the opposite corner, leaving me to get up on my own. But it didn't matter, because there was suddenly this new oppertunity to get up and run away with. So I did. And only after it had cooled down, I looked back, and not that that was the mistake, but letting them take me away like they did, to some world that only existed for as long as the deadline let it. And when the deadline ran out, I was thrown out of both worlds, out of that room and into that dark closet where I don't think no one even knew I was in. And although it took more time that i should have, i got myself out and worked myself back in the crowd, the one without the deadline, and found out that sometimes change is whats needed to make sense of things. to make sense of where you are and why you are there in the first place. to determine if where you are is where you should be.

Sometimes I still wish I was there. But most of me is still stuck back in that time before that when it never had happened, stuck behind. But it's okay, I don't mind.

I didn't think, that when, I failed to keep my promise, that you would be so irreplaceable.
I always thought I took things too seriously. I didn't understand how much it meant to you. I thought that things would stay the same, and never change. That i'd wake to your words, and Sigur Ros at night would mean everything that is you to me. That when I saw your eyes, we could escape everything that was destroying me and it didn't even matter that we got lost. That the lights seeemed so much brighter, the coffee so much stronger and the words so much louder. That the future lied so far behind us, and when it didn't, it was etched into our minds as not a worry, because it corresponded. The cold didn't seem so cold, and the path not so far. The words kept getting stronger and enduring longer in my head, and then all that was then got placed behind... us. You were the only person that seemed to make me forget.
But when it was all said and done with, you taught me that the cold is as it feels, and nothing, not even you, can make it warmer. You taught me that even when I thought I could shell out a little trust, I can't. I know it all sounds bad, and it really did seem so at the time. But I don't know what I would do if it was still that way at this moment, becauuse, deep down, I believe that it was too good to be true.

I once had this idea that when the day that independance would arrive on my doorstep, I would be free. I would be free of the chains that had held me back for so long, that had seemed to only pull me closer to pain, and with that pain came tolerance.
I never was good at screaming for help.
As the day grew closer and closer to arriving, I began to want it more and more. This want became the fall. The fall that would give me nothing for all the things I sacrificed. The fall that seemed determined by bad decisions that I had made that I understood were right. The fall that seemed to be the end of... me? Or the end of... the person that was me?
And as the day came, I wanted it no more. I just wanted back all those things I had sacrificed, given up, for the sake of this.
Now i'm here and im not sure I want to pick it up and leave. You know I hardly favored change.
But sometimes it shone its light... and those times I tried my hardest to stay back when all I wanted was to be gone.
But it seems as if, something is keeping me back, pulling on my arms, and pulling on my veins, and pulling on my emotions.
I once thought it was you, but I was wrong. I want you to stay behind that door and don't call my name or chase after me when I leave. Don't you understand that we never existed? Your going to ask me now if understood ... I always did. But I play the part well.
So now you know.

it was pure sunshine.
it felt like only you and I, although there was others.
The pavement hot to my feet, and the way my toes felt stuck inbetween the sand.
The way I felt when you smiled at me, it was like the whole universe evolved around that.
Just you and I, inbetween the company of two more.
It didn't seem to matter how high you pushed me, or how fast I ran away. Still not fast enough, because this time I didn't mind getting caught.
The sunshines rays seemed to only catch us two, and it felt like all i could see. I could not hear any sounds, except the faint laughter and the way my name sounded when it left your lips. It didn't seem to matter who was watching, who was listening, because they were invisible... to us. And for once, I felt like nothing else mattered... only what was happening in that moment. That moment that I let get away not a long time after.

No matter where you are now, no matter who you are, no matter who you are to me,
I still cherish that day.
Because... I felt different, I felt...
happy

You know when your breathing something in and it feels like the air you should be breathing? Then you walk away, and return to where you were, and you feel like you don't belong?
When I escape into my dreams, I feel like i'm breathing that air. And I awake to reality, to the world that surronds me.
As I sat on a park bench one day, beside an abberently large ten year old or so, as I sat at the dinner table with the "ideal family", as I spoke among the peers at my lunchtable, I found out I was the only one that thought the world was this slowly decaying, like the old clawfoot tub in my musty shed, decreasing more and more as people did uglier and uglier things, abolishing any beauty that lied here.
I didn't always believe this, no child does. Every child grasps onto those ideas that authorized by their parents to feel, to see, to construct. They dream of blues, and greens, and reds and purples and things that are fun, that bring forth smiles and every bit of the world seems like a new inch of a playground to discover. A scrape or a bruise puts you farther down that ladder, and that feeling of spinning only occurs when on the merry-go-round. You don't hit the ground as hard when you fall, and you like being chased after. You hate being called inside, but inside is no cage to you, you just dream of tomorrow and all those colors.
Only now, you wish like hell that you felt even a little bit like that. Growing up means opening up, seeing more then that's just... there. Hope and dreams dont exist the way that they used too. And you can't help but want to escape out of everything that closes you in now, but you don't, and you can't, because you've seen too much... now. Thrown into all this ugliness, with flailing arms, and open mouth, and abousetly no choice.
I had this idea once that if I met someone that felt the same, I could crawl back right back into my skin. I don't believe i've met anybody like that, so I'm starting to doubt its truth. And sometimes I wish I could find my way out of all this doubting. Because in a world that does not believe in truth, where am I left to go? It'd be much easier if I had someone to go with through this path, that seems so absurd to everyone else, but living to me.

In the time measured by childhood thoughts, aspirations and dreams,
you were always ahead.
I didn't mind being behind, though. I was content in the middle, taking the slow pace. As you and it begin to take place, I inched down towards inadequateness.
Three steps behind, I watched in resentment. I will always have that image of you, in my head. That image of you , your head slightly turned towards me and raising your hand to say "come with me" But I stood still, time stood still, for me. But you had moved on.
I turned around, and I felt like I was sinking deeper into that hole. And I gave in, letting self confidence sink deeper then me into that opening.
Years and years passed, and I looked towards that light, but never found my way out. I hid behind those volumes of beautiful words, or... your shadow. You stood so tall, and admired, but your glances never went my way, anymore.
I peeked beyond my safety net sometimes, to see, to hope. But you never seemed to care.

So one day, they sat down. They taught me about you and all your ways that you had moved on ahead of me. And they told me I could use it for power. They told me I could change the way things were for me with it. And then they walked away like they were never there. And you just looked on, not even meeting my eyes. Looking on with pity, like I was not worth your glance, but you were doing me some favor.

So I learned how to use that power, to change things between them and I. Between every single aquiantence I met in that hall, between things that had always scared me about them. But I endured that fear, because I wanted to meet where you were and had been for so long, before me.

But baby, i'm still hiding behind those books, behind my hair. Behind those words, behind my shame, behind my inadequateness, behind my fear, behind... myself.
And you still haven't cared enough to even take a glance my way, to see if I was caught up.

i remember that time when i believed what you would say. i remember that time when you held the whole world in your hands. i remember that time when i believed you were safe. i remember when you built that independance in me, but kept me at arms length. i remember that time when i believed in that kind of independance, the one where you and me were interconnected. i remember those times when i was smiling and you were smiling back at me. i remember those times when you were so proud of me. i remember that time when i didn't need to worry, when you did it for me.

it started in mass of dream worlds that we visited, together. despite the happiness that was promised, all i could hear was darkness. being it the worst, because i don't remember hearing it before then. she was always crying. her tears turned into my own, and soon all those memories didnt mean a thing. because all i remember now is the way the corner looked, when i was hiding in the darkness from both the light and who you were now. i tried at first, to fight back, through words and sometimes actions. but you and me both know that i am not strong enough. so i stopped fighting, and learned to be strong. strong in that i was a rock. i did not speak words, nor truth, nothing. and when they were exchanged back, i kept them all inside. they still are, there. and everytime you threw at me hurt, it didn't matter. i stood tall, then. but when the lights were off, and the door closed i fell into pieces. i fell into pieces so that you could not hear, because i knew if you did there would be more to come. i've fallen apart so many times that i think all the peices are lying around and i have yet to peice them back together and find out who i am.

i don't regret my destination. no, its all i've ever wanted and its coming true. maybe when i'll be able to put some stuff back together and i hope with all my heart that when i return, you will have learned another way to demonstrate your emotions. because im tired of fighting. and dont you ever forget that you have put me here, where i am now. and i know you are ashamed of that place, but it's really too bad you cant go back into time, yes? yeah.

the air was abundant, ready to take over, anticipating disaster. I crept across the silvery pavement that reflected rays of lights from those windows that let me look into what life was like, what being alive meant, what you had said. but I have always been on the outside.
my hands shaking, i touched the doorknob, but didn't go through with my action. instead, i turned around and stared across the sheets of rain towards the glow of the orange lamplight. tracing my steps over the glow, i climbed the fence and towards my destination. i heard your voice calling, but i kept walking. i kept walking. i heard your footsteps on the wet ground, coming closer and closer but it didn't matter anymore, i had reached it.
i turned around and met your eyes. and then it was like we had shook hands and said goodbye. you turned to go, but didn't move an inch. i turned away, and i am still walking.
I'm Sorry.

hesitant, and maybe fidgity, that's the way we always were.
glances that meant something, but never words... there were no words.
no, we were never like this.

like this, i mean now.
i still feel it, sometimes though. When those glances mean words... mean more then words.

no, we we never were like this.
and i don't think we'll ever really be.
because i feel like everytime it takes off, the wind will not take it.
and down it goes.
again,
and again.
until one of us... fly away,
the wind will have it then, the wind will have me then.

i hate that feeling when,
you wake up in the morning and you know it's coming... betrayal.
And you were wrong when you thought it was going to be okay, because your just back where your started... Lonely.

And I don't really care how this sounds. Because, it's true.
But don't worry friends, I''ll keep that smile on. I'll keep saying "yes" when thats the last thing I want. When that's the last thing you mean. Two can play this game... just know that I can play it better. If anything, that's what I can do. And will do.

i've decided...

that although the walls are closing in

im not a spec.
no, not anymore. because someone cared enough to notice more.

and tonight i found that all i had was the
battery life,
and the consistent boom of that thunder.
and that shocking red flash, from time to time.

and it was all,
gone.

when i think, those thoughts i form into words that would fit so perfectly in the pages of my journal, or in here.
but when it comes down to it, when i get to that point they are gone.

i used to use my words as my saving grace. i used to find writing in this blog, it's own remedy, my own remedy.
but everything looks better on paper.
and...
i just can't give up on this.
because the other day, between mountains and an endless, very winding, road... some came.
and that is a beginning.
and... there is no use turning back now. even if it takes a while. even if it's hard. because, everthing, these days, just is.

I almost had one of those feelings. Those 10 year old feelings.
Jumping on the trampoline, the sun shining bright. With unwashed hair, and no makeup, dancing around in a pokka dotted dress.


almost.
Because when I looked at my toes they were painted red.

Lately, life is alot of growing up. So much wants to jump back in time, where the end of my childhood wasen't coming up so soon. Even a week ago, because things didn't hit me like they do now.
This is my summer, the end, my last summer to be free of responsability and change and...
growing up.

theletdown.
i didn't get the job.

thegoodnews.
exams are over.

Needless to say, my day didn't go too great. I am tired, really tired. I was at school 9-11 cramming for math. 11-11:30 at a very unsuccesful interview. 12:30-2:30 a horrid math departmental.

but im done. the school aspect of it anyway. Tomorrow is grad. That means like +382y4372y43732t872 things to do. And I have to wake up early to be in Saskatoon for the appointments. I want to go to bed early tonight, but I have to make this big collage thing for my Mother. And like 40 other things else.

So, if we haven't hung out in a while and you want too, then call me up this weekend. or next week. Because, I don't hae a job and I sure don't have school or physchology to use as an excuse. you can always get me on my cell.


dhbfjhsbjfifeellikecrying.
but i'm relieved.

The rain comes down like a victory,

In sheets of shining memory,

Over and over, Circling around.

Oh my love i can't let go,

Somethings wrong i can`t let go.

When it rains, Oh tears my soul apart.

Yesterday was one of those days, where instead of realizing everything had changed, it was suddenly realizing that everything had changed and i was stuck behind.

I like to grasp onto things. I can't say I favor change. Well last night I realized I hadn't held on enough.
Yesterday was the day I turned 18.
Yesterday was the day after the last day of my high school career.

I have this incredible feeling of homesickness and I haven't even left.

I have this homesickness for the smell of summer, and roof climbing and looking at stars and then running away when we got caught, and past relationships, and past circle of friends. Before things actually mattered. When school was all there was to complain about. Where we had endless amounts of freedom, and none at all at the same time. Those times when we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Those times when we were.... together.

I have this homesickness and I haven't even left.
I have this homesickness and I never have before.

I am oficially done Physchology 30.
I don't even know how to feel. Well, other then relieved, excited.... more like extremely stoked.
This has been something that has been hanging over my head for such a long time. I was supposed to recieve the package (it's a correspondence class) by the end of March (adleast) but instead I recieved it mid April. That gave me two months to finish a package (more work then I ever bargained for) all by myself, on my free time. If you know me, you know I don't really enjoy school. And I like to procastinate... I really do. At first I was notified that the deadline for it was May the 26th. Actually, the main reason I quit my job at the store was because of this (pretty much), a job I had obtained for over a year and a half. That was devastating, I know it's just a job but to me it meant a whole different part of my life. A huge History essay was also assigned for the end of May, leaving me even more stressed. Two weeks before the May 26th deadline, I was notified that I had more time to finish my package... till the time of school ending (next week) And I must let you guys know that I need this credit to graduate. The teacher that found this out, said that I could write my exam in August. Well, around June the 6th I checked into that. I found out that I would have to write the exam in December. I'm in Colorado in September. A teacher figured out that if I submitted the assignments by June the 16th at 9:00 am, that I could write here on the June 20th date. So, that gave me on week to complete the course. So let's just say this last week has been horrid. I'm so much in need of sleep, it's not even funny. I look horrible too, and im sick, and we have grad candids tomorrow.
I'm free of a burden that was overwhelming to carry.

Other then that, every other aspect of my life has been not- great. I may be looking upon it on a dark attitude because I don't have much sleep in me and my body isen't functioning to well lately health-wise. But, I am sick of school and every one in it. Everyone. It's horrible... I hate that I feel that way but really there is nothing that it offers. And... well, let's just say every single one of my friends have been paired up (relationship- wise). I feel like i'm the bad end of this all. (look at me... pessimistic as usual) ... but I feel so lonely. I haven't talked to someone that was my strength in such a long time. I just feel really betrayed, and that's drastic, but yeah, I do. Things just seem to be getting worse. And it's not good since Graduation is next week and that's the time I'm supposed to be crying and sad. I really don't care... about anything. I just want to get a job and have my summer to read and pursue hobbies and spend time doing things that I want to do. I felt like I was getting somewhere in my relationship with God, but I am stupid enough to let it go. I feel bitter... towards everyone.
So beware.

Summer has never brought me loneliness. Summer is supposed to be "my time"
ifyouknowwhatimean.
You probably don't.

Friggin Griff Rhys offered me his beer.
ahah! No, tonight was spectacular! Graham, Zach and I went to see Bright Eyes (yes i know) at Prarie Land Park, and Griff Rhys (lead of Super Furry Animals) opened.

At first, we couldn't figure out why there was more people there. Griff Rhys, in company with his two guitars, and other endless amount of random (and i mean random) insturments, not to mention his two "birds", started the night out excellently! I was rather impressed! He was good. He brought about a couple of laughs as well.

Then... Bright Eyes. So, if you know me some, then you must know that Bright Eyes are... well, their my band. Not my band like I own them.. but those lyrics are locked tight within me. If I could meet any two musicians, first off, Conor Oberst... and then Jenny Lewis. (but Chan Marshall comes pretty close up there) He opened up with a new song that no one could recognize with a entourage of muscians... AND Maria Taylor (Azure Ray, etc) was his drummer! Gosh, you hear it on the cd and its that good but then you see it live. It's incredible. It was so weird to see someone that is on my walls, in my head (the music :) ), right up there in front of me. He left without singing "Lua" and I hardly cared, because the rest was oh so AMAZING. "Poison Oak" was one of my favorites.. and my "Lover I don't Have To Love" which was neat that he included that, because I didn't think he would. I loved when Maria and him sang together... or the song with the whole Bright Eyes band and Griff Rhys!

After, Zach was just like "Want to go walk around the back?" So us three did... and well, we eventually came across some windows. And what was inside.... was well, their tour bus but all of them were hanging out there. Aha, us 3 and some other girls stood by the door and eventually a member of security came out and started chatting. Since the girls were their first, he asked them whom woud they like to say. Well, they said Griff Rhys, but they thought he was just joking. Sure enough, the security guy and him... yes, a little drunk... or, uh, alot, show up at the door to talk! I could hardly understand what he was saying but he chatted for a while and gave out autographs. Then he offered us his beer... lol, after spilling it all over himself. But WOW: im so glad we didn't leave, ha we were major creeps and stayed out there in the rain for like 25 minutes or something. Oh well, it was worth it. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

the coffees never strong enough anymore.

if your looking for me, make sure you look under piles of all things to do. My things to do.

I've lost my words.
Now i've lost my time.

Let these things continually remind me how truely self righteous I am.

Who cares if im having a bad week? It dosen't matter. None of it matters.


Why did we say we would never let this happen again?
It continues to happen. In big and small ways.
Why do we cast hatred on someone who is not much different then ourselves? Why do we feel the need to?

We make this continous game of blood and hate continue. Everyday. By, not doing anything.

Why do we just stand here? We are the guilty ones. We are the ones letting this happen.

And i'm sick to my stomach of myself.

So, this begins. Please check it out:
http:/www.millionvoicesfordarfur.org/

Hopefully this weekend, God will help me begin this process in order to alter myself to someone who he wants me to be, to someone that won't just sit around.
Because, I do it again and again. Day after day.

so God sent an angel for me todays.

I can't even explain it.
Except how thankful I am.

so when you ask if theres something wrong.

your right.
but we can't talk about it right now.

i've had about enough.




i don't even want to explain. I do really good at playing my part. (just so you know)

so i've had a xanga for a while.
but it was used only for subscriptions to some pretty crazy photographers in whom i admire.

Im making use of it. I posted a couple of blogs there... I might ditch it. We'll see. I like it so far though... that may change. I think this online thing is driving me over a cliff... all these accounts to all these crazy sites that are bascially the same... except well on Xanga, you can play with code more. Ive become such a html dork. I hate it.

anyways: try it out. You might like it too:
http://www.xanga.com/sheis_justbrooke

Why Don't the Buildings Cry?

I don't really know how I can be so stressed out about something, but leave it be and completely ignore it and do other pointless things in it's place. I hate the internet. I mean... I love it. But too many distractions.

I was making a collage for my myspace today and stupid photobucket totally screwed my pictures over. But its okay. I mean, it only took 834728 hours. :)

So. I'm really excited for Bright Eyes. I'm still in disbelief with the fact that he is actually going to be in Saskatoon. I love it though. I just don't want to get sold out to some girl who's going to be screaming "I Love Conor Oberst! eeeeeeee!" the whole time. I mean, sure, I love Conor Oberst too. But i'm not going to advertise it.

Not going to work is such a weird feeling to me, still. I'm not sure if I like it. I have WAY too much free time. But I really don't. Because I should be doing my physchology 24/7. And it's hard. It really is.

Im super glad Chrissy is home from California... and Andy from Calgary, and everyone from Timber Bay although I am super jealous I didn't get to go. This spring break flew by way too fast. Winnipeg was good. I spent alot of time here at home. Oh... Alli and I had such a great day yesterday. We went on a mini road trip/ picture taking spree/ picnic. I love laughing with her... when we get stuck in mud, and when gas jockeys crack lame jokes, crazy ladies come out of abandonded houses, and veichiles come out of nowhere, and when we run over roadkill. um. Last night was good. Bryce left for Ottawa today... so Chrissy and him and I went out for coffee and I got this sweet coloring book from Chrissy. Mhm.. coffee. I so miss not having 2 cups a meal like I did at Omas. Oh, Last night was perfect. I swear it was.

Today wasen't so. I napped some. I love taking naps.. I never used to be able but now I always feel tired. I guess it's the little bit left from me being sick. Agh. I don't want to go to the doctors because... well. If you know the situation, then you know why. If you don't know, then I probably don't want you to know. So.

I hate that I haven't wrote about anything particular in here lately. I really don't feel like that lately. I just don't feel like talking any. I just want to take a walk and look at stars and listen to music. Oh... how I love music. mhmmm.

Goodnight, All.
Leave a comment? Heck... you don't have to. But i like them.

(iPod: Shout Out Louds, Badly Drawn Boy, Minus the Bear, Sonya Kitchell)

Here Comes Summer Beaming Through My Bedroom Window...

I have just finished cleaning my room top to bottom, wall to wall. Now, I have to go rake leaves for 2 hours. THEN I get to come in and do physchology.

Sigh. I just love spring break.

minus-- suprise visitors at work, Winnipeg, grandparents, Pacific Art Gallery, my new coat, "campfires" with friennds, Alli Alli, chrissy coming home in a day, Flunk (mhm. listenplease?), and no school.

Todays feels like sunshine. Admist the few dark clouds.

(playing: Flunk and Acceptance. thatsall... lately)

Nothing speaks louder right now then how truely blessed I am.

An abundance of letters, pictures, handmade pictures, crafts, mini books, mixtapes, poems, cards, words of encouragement, memories, awards, certicifates; etc. First it seemed like a pain... them all falling off my closet shelf and onto my floor.

I know it was for a reason. We all need be reminded sometimes how lucky we are.

i think i want to switch to a xanga.

or a livejournal. i don't know.

Come to Think of It... may this be change?

home.

I think that this weekened was the best thing for me in a long, long time.
I've fallen short of everything I once have been. My last day at work was Thursday. And I don't care? I've fallen short in my relationship with God... not like it once was. I've completely became bored of everything that once interested me. I've lost friendships with people I was once friends with. I turned down grad escort dates, and oppertunties for after Colorado and I don't care?

Sigh. The thing is I do care. But the action in caring I have not yet grabbed ahold of. Im getting closer through... I really am.

My regrets about this weekend is that it wasen't much about Easter itself. Skipping such an important holiday like that sets itself up for a different kind of year. BUT things happened on their own. Two cousins I haven't seen in a couple of years due to a divorce, where they have refused to stop coming to see their dad (my uncle) came for an afternoon to share in their dad's birthday celebrations, as well as my Oma's (grandma) 75th.
The whole weekened we were blessed with +20s weather. Also, my aunt and uncle and cousin, Kris, in whom is a good friend and lots of fun happened to get time off and came out from Kelowna which was good. We mostly just hung around home and took lots of walks down to the river and the bridge nearby... the water is really high. On the way there we saw farms flooded, and the only escape be a speedboat or a canoe. Roads washed over and closed. It was really sad... and made me even more glad to live in the place i live, although I defnitely like to complain/ ridicule it alot. We also went to the Royal Crowne Revolving Resturant... which is kind of a tradition, but a special one. And the Forks. And i got some fabulous new Value Village shoes. And it was SO good to see my Oma and Opa since I haven't seen them since my last last Christmas. or something. And my Aunt offered a place of residence for my schooling years... Kelowna? It's alot. There is just alot to be thankful for.

This week I plan on not much. Well.. some. BUT honestly give me call or something if you bored or in need of a person to accompany you on a walk (its so nice) or for a coffee for conversation, etc.
AND Bright Eyes= here= July! Going?! I must. I will KILL for a ticket.

(on iPod: Cat Power (always), Neko Case, The Elected (I loved that concert), Minus the Bear, Acceptance, Wolf Parade, SUFJAN STEVENS)

I've Been Pushed Aside.

i really wish you could understand the way my words work. Right now everything is contemplative... right now everything is undone. I try so hard to put this all back together as it once was, but i fail. Don't you understand? I just lost everything I once was. I wish with everything I have, that that season would have changed faster.

But.. now... don't do this to me, April. Enough has been taken.




((new photos posted on http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com))

I wish i had time to waste. I wish I could say to you to come and waste my time... but the truth is, whenever you do, it's not that.
You make these days so much easier... and you don't even know.

And I Believe Nothing Has Changed.

Sometimes I think it would hurt so much less if I was associated with no one.
I think it's too easy to be lonely.

I don't know if anything belongs to me anymore. I can't find an interest in things I used too. In anything.
Why is far away that draws me in? I don't even know how to be here anymore. I've slipped into that place through my dreams and I can't get enough of it. Because there is nothing better.

What if the thing that your supposed to settle for less is reality? How do you go back to a life (your life) and work on living again? And what if... you don't want too...
And i'm really sick of making myself (do anything. Let's just forget.)

Please. Just forget.

And I can't help but ask myself how much i'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.

... Lately i'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.

Loneliness has nothing to do with happiness or circumstances.

I'm not going to take for granted, the fact that life seems to be on track lately, but loneliess always seems to take me in and i give into it's oblivion.
I don't feel like i'll ever rid of that feeling...
And even if I could, I do not even know how. I will never be satisfied, and in saying that I sound ignorant and snobby, but it is just the way it is. Maybe I don't know how to be satisifed... I will always the one looking for something more... something better...

... But its hopeless. I'm just going to run into a wall, trying to look for something better. What is so wrong with being content? I just can't get this one down... disatisifed a friend told me I was. Well... its true. And I always have been. And there's a tiny trace of hope in me that the next place will offer more then this one has. Because... I really can't remember it ever being good.

If your convinced of who I am...

then think again.
Because I'm a Liar, a Fake, a Mess, a Cheat and...

But Then Again,
aren't we all?

Love, Do You Need Me Now?
Because I've let you down because i've already let you go.
And you don't even know.

Don't Take That Too.

Why would you ask me to discuss reality vs. dreams?

Dreaming is the only thing I have.

It's the reason I get out of bed in the morning...
You can't take that away from me too.

Theres a reason reality has nothing to do with dreams. Because... in dreams, anything can happen. It's so much better then reality... because reality confines. Anything can't happen in reality. Reality is...
disapointing.
There's nothing disapointing about a make believe world. Nothing.

Take Me Back To The Stars.

I want to badly to be wrong about people. I want more anything, to Love someone. In loving, that means I would trust.
But I remember why I never did in the first place, days like today. So maybe i'm nothing but a tragedy.

Don't think you know me.
Only like me for who I am.
doyouhearme?

Ohyeah... and I quit my job todays.

Do you know what these walls have done to me? No, you don't get it. Don't think you get it. My nights are a trace of bad dreams... I don't sleep anymore.

This is the ninth day. Im just royally sick of this. The speaks truer then anything else.

And don't keep memories if you don't value them. Adleast give them to someone who does. I havent forgotten.

I wish I had, though.

I Want A Lover I Don't Have to Love.

I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a guy who's too sad to give a care.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sureI got the money if you've got the time

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you..But you...you write
such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
then hurt me..then hurt me...then hurt me...

Not all these words ring true for me, but alot of them speak louder then I could ever. Leave it to Conor Oberst to write another song that screams everything I've been trying to say.

Yeah I Said It- I Need You SO Much Closer.

darn.

I have this::
http://www.cdc.gov/flu/keyfacts.htm

yeah, read that.
See you next week!
:p.

I Cant Remember What Friday Was Like.

I don't like waking up in a hospital bed. I don't like being in bed for 4 days straight. Im sick of popsicles, jello, gingerale and chicken noddle soup, I'd rather eat nothing. I hate needles, I hate having tons of needles even more. I don't like missing school and schoolwork and bottle drive and hockey games and my Grandma's birthday, and so on. I don't like not being able to get up. I don't like coughing until it hurts.

yeah... so this is where i'm at right now. Im kinda honestly questioning this winter. I think i've been sick the majority of it. And i have another doctors appointment tomorrow morning but I don't really have the strength to drive myself, since today was the first day I had strength to go wash my hair. I know it's gross. But... i feel horrid.
So, if you could keep me in your prayers, that'd be lovely. I honestly don't have all that much more to say except I hope your all doing great. :)

I Need YOU So Much Closer

It Wasen't 3 Hours, 11 Minutes Now, Was It?

Highways help you remember that life goes on.
Bridges help to remind you that there is a connection.
Blue skies and sunshine remind you of hope.
Old friends help you remember that there was good times.
Bright Eyes helps me remember every single broken peice of this year.
Loosing helps to remind you to be humble.
Almost accidents remind you what it feels like to be alive.
Pictures help remind of you memories.
Laughter reminds me that there is sunshine in this darkness. And that... I don't laugh with no one like I do when i'm with Kate.
Mean glances and conversations help you remind you that this world is perfect by no means. And that people just get the best of you.
Roadtrips help to remind you that there is such thing as getting out.
Accidents remind you that death exists, later or not.
Art reminds you that there are some intelligent people left in this world.
Friends help remind you that someone loves you.

So... this is for today, each statement had something to do with it.
Enjoy.

my application for a rescue.

I couldn't remember why I loved you, when the abstraction of that stop sign dominated my view
Tonight, you highlighted every piece of your betrayal,
Tonight, you just made it so much easier to conceal my being in tuesday night's difference.

My steps disappeared in a accumulated disaster. My desire for evasion displayed my strength in the escape, but these steps, they are never abstained. They are always broken. By you.

How can you color me with every backbiting lie and except me to adhere to the belonging you boast?
Well I scream in hopes of advertising every single bit of my heart that's been broken.
And I scream in hopes of my voice being spoken among each mouth that's here to understand me.


It's they that don't understand. That, all of this, just can't be spoken, Among any mouth. These screams, and this hurt is home. And they don't get the reality of the consquence. You just don't get the reality of the consquence.
So, Here it stays.

You Said Theres Nothing Left For You, Well I Guess You Meant Me Too.

i think alot of things have been blow up to proportion lately.
and i think that sometimes i feel guilty for feeling lonely. that i feel guilty for feeling hurt. that i feel guilty for feeling... sad.
...but there is no use for complaining. No use for me, or for you.
The word "emo' has been blown out of proportion these days. There's different kinds. Emo like "Oh that kid cuts his wrists" or they "Dress emo" Get over it. I hate stereotypes. But I hate fakers even more.
Get over the fact that everything isen't good and fine, and sometimes you need to cry about it. Stuff happens, and you react to it. There is nothing worse then feeling numb. Life isen't all fine. And life isen't all darkness. There's a fine line in the middle and your oblivious to it. Sometimes you need to scream about it. That's real. And that's the only thing you have to hold onto right now.
But... move on. There is a light in this tunnel. Your just not looking hard enough.
Im not looking hard enough.

There has to be dark and muddy waters to give the sun something to background it's flasing glory. ("A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith)

Best:
1) snowboarding monday maybemaybe. who wants to come?
2) new photoblog. nothings really posted yet but keep checking: http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com
3) no homework. no work. no work tomorrow. call me, we'll hang out :)

I Won't Forget The Way You Said "Move On. There's no point in waiting"

God has this way of waking you up in ways you never imagined. In subtle ways. Like in another's simple prayer, or the word "lazy" or a line of a old hymn.
its my own fault i keep on falling asleep.

it's like when your alarm goes off, but you just faintly hear it because the tuning on the radio isen't right. It's like you wishng you would have checked that last night, but glad you heard it.

... i heard it.
I'm glad I heard it.
Sometimes I don't wish that it was louder.

But then it's hard to get up.
It's hard to get back into the routine.

trying. im trying...
move on. theres no point in waiting...

And I Better Wake Up.

the snow has seemed to overwhelm the area, like it's taken enough and it's not sure how much more it can. It's not suited for.
Im not suited for.
School has became a place where dread going. I don't sleep well at night before it, I stress over it minute to minute. I stress over friends, the amount of the day it takes up, the work that goes with it. the activities that go with it.
Winter is always the most hardest.
Summer come? soon? please?

And it's not like i'm even having a bad night. Im just here with "maps" and the album leaf. Im going snowboarding tomorrow...
Priorities come and go, and whether you choose the right one first is i guess, your decision. my decision. my wrong decision.
and im okay... im leaving in september. I guess the final conclusion to next year has came: Capernwray in Colorado. Why is that when we look forward to a decision made, that we dread the decision made after? ANyways... i do.
But i must part.
I have more in my heart, but I'm not sure if my heart is right tonight to tell it's secrets.

Love Dosen't Live Here Anymore. Or...

Do I let hurt, caused by someone else, define who I am and my mood?
Let it go, let it go, let it go...
He said that sometimes we need to walk away from someone who is hurting us, because sometimes that just makes them aware of the consquences of what they did. But how do I walk away...? I still got time left.
I want to be free
I don't want grudges and unforgiven situations to weigh me down, and make this road even harder. I don't want here to be a place I no longer return when I leave.
I don't want to be fearful of a look, an action, a word. I don't want to sit in the dark because the light is not safe enough.
God, how is it that you forgive me every time I do wrong? And how is that I try to do this? I don't think i can. not without you... thank you for church this morning. thank you(!!!)
It just hurts more when I see them. Or when I see something that reminds me of them. Anyone, really.
Let go.
The strength in the consquence is more overwhelming then the reasoning for the consquence itself. God, help me to forgive...

Am I making something worthwile out this place?
Am I making something worhwile out of this chase?
I am displaced.
I am displaced.

it's just a simple line, I can still hear it all the time.
If i can just hold on tonight, I know that noone will survive
No one survives...

my intention tonight was to write a really good blog entry. but intentions decieve, and my mind has lost whatever it had been holding onto. And, I got caught up on the phone for uh, 2 hours? opps!
on the stereo: "Seal Beach EP" by the Album Leaf.

* Everything is too close for comfort right now. What is it about situations that define breathing room?
I honestly have just missed "home" It was an accomplished destination. I missed the idea of it, my bed, the opperunity to spend some time alone, the people that make it, a room with a computer alone to write blogs, my other journals, my books, my pictures; etc. I missed the security of it.
Airports are only good at bringing people together. They are not good at getting people to their places, and if they do, not on time. I had a rather interesting experience. We were supposed to fly out of LA yesterday morning, 11:40 AM. They got us through security (barely on time) and we boarded the plane. We sat there for about 20 minutes, and they said it'd be another 45 minutes or so. They worked for a while, and decided that we culd leave the plane but be back at 1 pm. So we did. We sat there for a long time, they moved us through into a different gate. Waitied there, they finally announced that they were cancelling the flight, and therefore we would miss our connection from Vancouver to Saskatoon. So, everyone panicked and rushed downstairs for bags, because we could not buy new tickets, without the baggage. So my parents waited in a ticket line for over a good hour. (Waiting brings lots of new friends. It really does) We went through security, and they annouced our flight would be leaving at 6:40 pm. Then we had to go through the trouble of finding out how exactly we would get from Vancouver to Saskatoon, because there were no flights going there for a good 3 days. So we hung around at the airport, and then they were late boarding our plane. Really late. So we got out of there late, and then rushed to a ticket booth where we got tickets to Edmonton (by chance there were no shows) but we had to run through the airport, and the plane was basically waiting for us. They were late getting our plane up there because there was something on the runway. We got into Edmonton, at about 2 am and then found out that the ticket booth didn't open until 4:30am. So we took residence in a bunch of "comfy" chairs beside another gazillion people who were sleeping. I tried to fall asleep with a bunnyhug over my head, and Sigur Ros on the iPod but i didn;t much succeed. I maybe got 15 minutes? Maybe. Anyways. We luckily got some cancelled tickets to Saskatoon, and took a flight in where we arrived home at about 9:30am. I slept all day until about 4:30pm. Im tired, to say the least.
And i got a bunch of math homework to do. I really do. Im going to go do that...

i wait for my eyes to close

countdown!
mhm... ahem. keep to myself.

oh wait. wait until I get out of this crowd. Breathing is terribly hard when everything arounds you seem fine.
i don't get drama. im honestly the most opposed to it. Im just fine sitting in the corner by myself with a book, a coffee and my iPod as my best friend.
Why is it that I get so angry when someone judges something when I am just as bad?
Why is it I feel so stuck? Is it that i am ? My head hurts. My feet hurt. End of story. goodnight.

oh yeah... merry valentines day. (yep, i said that. going to bed NOW... )

:)
currently in my ears = "Dice" William Orbit/ Finley Quaye/ Beth Orton.

opps! i've lost myself. Under... society?

im convinced (at the moment) that our whole world is going to fall apart. Cali is superficial. But so is everywhere...?
there's something about this place that makes you feel really sorry for everybody. it's like a whole mass of population that is convincing themselves everyday that they have to be like every other person on the street. No indivituality needed. As long as you have the right bag, the right haircut, the right shoes, your IN. So... where is IN really? What makes trends? Why do we confine ourselves to trends, stereotypes when we can be free to be who we are. Does that really matter anymore? I'm convinced that it is full of a bunch of really beautiful, but terribly miserable (and well dressed) people.
But then I'm convinced that our world is full of really beautiful, but terribly miserable people.
But then let's get into me. I'm as guilty as anybody.
Sometimes it feel's really nice to blend in. Sometimes it feels really nice to be accepted. but is that the kind of acceptance we need? Why do we fear different?
Challenge.
Im sick of cycles. Im sick of everyday striving to be something that I will never ever be. And im sick of watching everbody else try to do it too.
it's too hard. Give yourself a break.

So. This is a cliched blog entry, but it's on my mind. really.
May your week be truely wonderful.

you mean the least, but you take the most.

approximently 14 hours until sunshine.
approximently...

tonights dark. inside and out. tonight is away but not too. tonight is unpatient for a destination. tonight hurts. planes hurt. ears, head, and nose espescially. contential whatt-ever.
Cali: 14 hours.
Home: 24 hours times um. 10 days? something like that.

Happy Valentines Day.

It's Your LIttle Red Wagon and You Gotta Pull It.

I honestly take for granted how easy life is when your not sick.
I can sit here and complain as much as I want too, but its not really going to change anything.
I mean, yes, sometimes sick is nice... get to catch up on sleep, and spend some time at home, but right now, to me it just feels like another thing to do. I honestly probably have like ten years of homework to do... including some homework from last term that i (apprently?) never handed in. Sooooo...
How easy it is go by life and not really think about it? I do it everydays. This stuff has been said before, but what is the point? I think of so many people... mainly people without God and what keeps them going? Is it to achieve popularity status by their perfect myspace friends, or they're perfect looks? Is it for success in their box jobs? Who has the biggest house? The nicest car? Is it to... just survive? Sometimes i feel like that's what life is. Surviving. But then I look around, and realize how good I have it. Yeah, things defnitely aren't perfect. There's alot of stuff people don't know that goes on with me. But as far as i'm concerened, I have a house to go to at the end of the day, I have a church full of people that will support my decisions, I have a job that earns a nice little paycheck that I can take home all to myself, to buy whatever I desire. I have more then enough friends who are wonderful in their own ways, I have a God who loves me no matter what i do. That's more then anyone could ask for. and I... have it.
I think I let alot of stuff... slide. I mean, I take the fact that I have all of this slide. I let a inncident a couple of weeks ago slide, but I guesss thats being dealt with now. Or trying to be dealt with. ANyways, all in all, I just think that I... hm... should care more? Yeah- care more.

Stars was wonderfulll. and phenuemonal. and all the other words that have those same meanings. I loved it, loved it, loved it! I love shows in general, really no matter what the music is, but to see one of your favorite bands, up close (front row baby!) It was just a really good time. I defnitely got in trouble for being home the time I did though. Oh well, it was worth it! There are lots of shows coming up. i checked out some band on myspace called, um... In Flight Safety. They're really good, and they're defnitely going to be at Louis in March. So is that battle of the bands thing... Metric soon. Stars/ Apostle of Hustle and Montag if its an all- ages show. Lovely. I love shows. (!)

Listening to lately? Alot of Anberlin, still. Because im that cool.:p. Alot of Jenny Lewis because she has a way of telling stories in music that no one else does. Except like Sufjan Stevens. And bonus, Conor Oberst and Ben Gibbard defnitely appear on that cd... Azure Ray is probably my favorite. Um.. lots more. New, everyday. It keeps me sane. I think...

anyways. This blog entry is pointlesss (as usual) but i thought i'd stop by well I did some history homework (sigh) Have a wonderful evening.

the inner and the judgement.

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellingsand every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?",
I think "You're right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."
So one last touch
and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

i feel this way upon me. not of me. not really...

Are There No Shadows Where You Are?

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are, I don't wanna be here even now. I don't wanna be by your side, If something isn't right... If something isn't right.

I don't want to be by anybodys side. Not todays.
Right now, right then I just want to go to sleep and not come back. For a while.
I think its real easy to stereotype these words as suicial and/or depressing thoughts, but I am speaking clearly and they are not.
Sometimes... I just need to be alone. And that alone not being in my room at home, not being on a walk by myself. Being alone in another world.
Sometimes thoughts of something are just overpowering. All situations have consquences. Whether those consquences being physical or mental.
Mine are mental. My minds on overdrive. Clearly.
And that really has nothing to do with... anything.
I wish we could push aside thoughts and deal with them when we had time to.
A new semester equals Biology30. Which is death. To Me. I just finished our first bio class, and it is pretty clear to me that Im not going to survive. Tests every two weeks, quizzes daily involving a whole new vocabulary of terms each day. Two huge assignments involving things that I really have no interest with. Why? I honestly should be taking physch30, but I didn't get on the ball with that one. I shouldn't be redoing my a30 course, I should be taking a language. I wish I thought ahead... more.
sigh. I feel I have a common topic on these blog entries- the future. I am looking to enhance it... I guess. AS pathetic as I am. Im not that optimistic about it right now. It just... scares me. right now. right now at 2:34 pm, in the school computer lab.
Right now I kind of scare me. Right now I realize how antisocial I have become. And not become. Hm.
I think this has been the longest entry I have ever written here at school. I blame it because of the privacy. But really... anywhere... I don't feel like I have enough. Im hiding within myself. I know that. But i have nothing to say to it. Is just the way it.is. I'm not going to justify it either.
Work tonight. Lots of homework tonight. Get over it, Brooke. It's just. life...

My World Still Turns When Your Not Around. Does It Have To be This Way?

this blog is neglected.
this homework, that homework. is neglected.
these friends have been neglected.
this God that loves me, is neglected.
by me.
now they are all:
lost lost lost lost lost...

that. is on my mind.... the only reason for this loss is: me. sometimes im determined that life is just a really bad connection. We are so preoccupied on things that we think are so big {the connection. focusing on whats said and not what isent} ... that we neglect the other things. the simple... yet so complex things. find beauty. find importance. make that... see: the beauty. the importance.
now on: im going to put 1 (or 2. or maybe three. or more...) things i appreciate about the day, no matter the mood of the blog...
today::
aa] morning! the idea of it. We completely new day, untouched. potential
bb] mailed the applications away
cc] radiohead. "the bends" blows my mind away... blows everything away. escaping to somewhere. else. Im trying to figure out where else is but it dosen't matter. its escaping. its neglecting the world... being ignorant. but only for a while.

gone now. the potential of this blog is somewhat gone now.
the potential of this night is somewhat gone. now.

on a completely different note: do this:
] read lyrics. they're mine. not mine but you know... :)
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/underoath/theyreonlychasingsafety.html#10

] watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/?v=cauOKgQidVg

] listen to this:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000002TQV/002-2197389-8305626?v=glance&n=5174

good. night...

It Keeps Me Listening For Your Voice Around Each Corner...

The thing is, I've figured out a bit of my sleeping problems.
and it's... music.
It keeps me up at night! I convince myself that I can't sleep until I listen to this one song... and then theres another song... and another... and before I know it, the night is almost gone.
:).
I don't know how i've grown such a love to music, when I pretty much poscess(sp) no talent whatsoever at music. I mean I sing a bit... in some choirs, and groups and teams and stuff but it's not something that overpowers alot of my other priorities.
And i've almost convinced myself to go out and buy an new iPod when I know I shoudln't. The money needs to be for next year. Next year, next year, next year (sigh)
I like to say im a music fan, but so does everybody else. Does music move you enough that sometimes it steers emotions or memories that you've put away for so long? does it make the buisness and everything else going on in a room seem invisible? Does it bring out emotions that you wish you didn't feel? Does it bring out emotions you wish you did feel? Do you appreciate all kinds of music because simply that person is doing their own way of showing emotion through what they feel is theirs? hm... thats al i have to say. music... sigh...
Last night a couple of friends and I went to a show featuring some local and not so local bands: A Ghost Cried Murder (hardcore/ metal) sleepinggirl (indie/ accoustic rock) These Hands (experimental/ folk rock) and Julia. which was just her and her piano. overall, the show was really good and defnitely worth my $6, espescially these hands. they were aboustely phenuemonal... i don't think im going to get over that... im not much into metal, but a Ghost Cried Murder was good. i more appreciate then go all out hardcore, but it the guys were excited. ha... so that was nice. Julia was nice. She's really good. Sleepinggirl's music had me in, but not so much the singer. yay for Starbucks, though. I think I need to get another job...
Thinking about the career field I have chosen, and where it has me taking me I think about is it where I want to be? Id defnitely like to have to do something with music. But i wouldn't want to be a stylist. I believe musicians should have their own style, that's just a part of who they are and what there music represents. them. What i'd like to do more so then anything else is create my own magazine. tons of interviews. tons of reviews. and no not on any given celebrity, or a musician who every other magazine on the rack is featuring. Musicians that mean something, their music does. Music that moves me. Moves you. People that make a difference. People who are giving more of themself to others.... and book reviews. because im a dork. and a bit of fashion, because im also a dork for this sore reason, I stay up late loathing over clothes... i need to get over that one.
this has been a long blog. i haven't so in a long time... and the thing is it wasen't really much about anything...
anyways. have a good day okay?!

Just Walk Away. Wait... I just can't. Walk away from this...

this is...

my night. It's the Fray and sad songs. and old flowers. And lamp light only. And... loneliness?

See, heres the problem. You are there and I am just here.

And the problem is: that I'm the problem.

Because: im here. and im not doing anything to get. there.

and.

I just don't know...

please.

get me back home?

i miss it.

i just miss you,

Jesus.

and this night is trying to make things right. And this night is wishing i was making things right. and this night is... almost gone.

and this night is... wasted. on me.

--------------------------------

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage,
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along,
But that's disregard...
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above,
as the canyon comes between...

This is for you, Bryce.
Im sick of arguements.
I know you read all of it, and I'm sorry...
And, well you did drive me to Chrissys at lunch... :)

See, God... I Don't Know If Im Just Speaking Too Quiet. Or Too Loud...?

With a unfinished histiography taking residence beside me, wet hair in which is most uncomfortable to go to bed with, and stacks of a) clean clothes and b) books. essay books. surronding me, I can't help but feel:
a) exhasuted
b) worried
c) stressed out.
d) lazy
A unfinished histiography. A unfinished histiography and it's 12:42 am. I got school, an appointment and plans in the evening. And im blogging...?
And how much sleep did I get last night? uh. 4-5 hours?
And God... he's here admist these piles. Promise... I asked him so.
But...
Why?
Im a mess. so is my room. My mind. And priorties.... they're a mess too.
Im just so far behind thse days. And I don't how to get back... unless...
Is it alright if I ask you for help, Lord?
Can i give you this much?
Brooke: can you give this much... up?
Brooke: can you give this much up to a reciever that seems so distant... these days...
Brooke: are you worth it?

I think he says... yes? I think I say... yes?

Given?

I Don't Get God. Why hasen't he given up on me?
I've given up on me...
.... I think...

This Empty Room Won't Make Anything Right.

People. Just get the best out of me...
So many different kinds of people... and a certain kind, maybe a certain person has got to me.
Where have you got your narrow mind? What is it in you that makes you feel like you know aboustely everything...? Where is it that you think you have the awnsers about everyone, when you base your knowledge on something you've heard from someone else. You don't know me.... you don't know her... you know us but you don't really know us. Different things are right for different people, and if your going to judge us under your standards then do. But don't make a big deal out of it.
And what it is it with you and stereotypes? And have you ever gotten the idea to your mind, that no, we don't need your matchmaking service, and when we tell you something, we'd like it to stay told to you and not the rest of the world. And humiliuation... has that ever happened to you? Because your slightly good at letting everybody else feel that every time something comes out of your mouth.
I just wish a) people wouldn't judge based on something as confining and self demeaning as stereotypes. b) I could trust people. this is exactly why I don't. c) you wouldn't think you know absoutely everything. You don't. Don't even...
Im slightly done my rant.
This friday was a good one. Breakfast, sleeping in... two classes. Lunch date with Alli. Afternoon off. Graham and Zach over... nice signs. Nice conversation over zach's music. niiice. Mini mini mini pool tournaments. arguing.... the thought of getting up early tomorrow morning...
I got a essay due on Tuesday. So scared...

good night.

I Ask "Why You Do These Things That You Do?" He Says "I Do Them For You."

Something that will leave me forever tripping over my own feet and confused, is: Jesus.
I don't get how any one can withstand the ignorance, just all the ways that I can possibly disapoint them I do this to him... to my friend, to my best friend...
I screw up. So much... every day.. it seems so every minute. Lately, it feels like I can't disapoint him any more then I already have, like I've done everything on the list. Lately, it seems as if I have been even more ungrateful for life and the things that he gives me, him handing them over to me without a second thought...
Who can be a better friend then him? Remember that hymn? The words to that music are more so true then anything else I have heard lately. Truth I starve for.
My Mission: To become this friend. Not only (but most importantly) to Jesus but to everyone that is in my life right now. They (all) deserve a little more recognition for the beautiful person they are, and are to me espescially. thank you: all. xo to you. each.

So Simple In The Moonlight...

i don't know how i've gotten "out" of blogging on here. I don't know how i've gotten "out" of my thoughts. I've always been the one for emotion: true and raw... although I think the only person i've been fooling lately is myself. (I've got it bad.)
I was sitting on the bus todays, crouched down by the window with bright eyes "lua" on and my hood pulled right over my hair and I realized somewhat how pathetic i really am. I've kind of have been on fast forward alot lately, and convcing everyone that i am okay, that i am cool with the way things are. i've got it good. but i... me... has got it bad. (because what is so easy in the evening, in the morning is such a drag). every day... (and if you promise to stay conscious i will try to do the same.) promise.
and smiling... what is that? im trying.... oh so much. so much. I like life. I have lots. But i don't really... like it. why? and why are good days (like todays. monday didn't get me) but somehow... i always end up in: this.
and what is: this? i don't know. it's janurary. its november mostly. its feburary and sometimes march and april. and sometimes september and sometimes... its good at taking me over. its good at making everything else: numb. its good at making me very unattractive person. in all ways.
so if you guys are holding out for the truth now: then this is it... this is the way i am. i don't why, or how... its just: me. (im not sure what all this trouble is, that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did)
to end this in maybe somewhat a happy note im posting pictures (if this thing lets me) of a beautiful sunrise i saw this morning (up above). oh so beautiful...
x.

(bright eyes- lua)

Today. Is just Today.

so... my blog has been pushed aside and what has taken place for it?
absoutely nothing.
i sure dont know what i've spent my tme doing lately... i sure don't know what is... going on. with me. anymore.
i feel i've gotten really good at pertending. Pertending that I am okay with something when inside all I want to do is scream and yell "no!" and...
i don't. ever. i jus don't show people how i am with things anymore... theres this line to a song i really like (the rocket summer "around the clock") and he's just "Im not into the idea of being without you... im not into the idea of living without you" i thinkthat's the best love song lyrics i've heard in.. a really long time. I like how he's determined. I wish I was...
a good friend of mine and me were talking last night on the way for chinease. and talking about our biggest struggles, and among them, among mine is doubt. I don't know whether it is my time of life that brings upon these thoughts or particular circumstances. I just am doubting alot. what, you ask? everything... really.
and complaining i sound like i am. i'm not. today was good... and these days have been good. Its weird to look inside of yourself and see who you are during all of this.
So blogging, I did tonight. But i really got nothing done... maybe i'll try again tomorrow...