My Merry Christmas.

So... Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is the day of all days.... the day that we have all been so anxiously awaiting, and with joyful hearts and a house full of family and food, supposed to be celebrating. His birth.
Christmas has become more and more less like Christmas, as time goes by and each year passes. To me, Christmas has become a hallmark holiday in which I would be much happier skipping, a holiday that has been stolen by a whole bunch of "materialistic jerks" who think 24 hour shopping hours and doing anything in their will to make more money during the holidays. Through my anger towards this, I will not ever forget the gifts I recieve every day, and espescially learn to appreciate during the holidays... a warm house, food in my stomach, a Grandma's house to go to over the holidays, wonderful friends.... etc. And I don't want to make this entry sound like I am not appreciating this. I just don't feel it this year. I just don't think I've ever felt it.
Working in a grocery store, in which hours change for one day of the year, closing at 4 instead of 9 have kind of made my eyes even more open to how much I hate it. People rely on these hours, apparently. Its like "OH NO! The store is closing for two days, what will we do?!" What will you do? Im sure you have just enough food in your houses, and not renting movies for two days will do you some good. The things I have enjoyed most over the holidays include wonderful friends to hang out, and a great time at my Grandparents todays, and some wonderful gifts in which I have been having fun giving... and some I have had recieved. And... It's Christ's birthday. Tomorrow is a day for me to relax.... Sometimes I just feel like the meaning has been buried underneath a materalistic world, and the stress of the Christmas season makes my grudgery towards Christmas even more worse.
A friend gave me this, except where I will put spaces, she put my name. Try it with yours. It's my Christmas present to you.... a beautiful one at that:

Father, __ is my personal glory.... I glow when I think of __. That's because I love __ as if __ were the only one in all the world to love. I believe in __ potential. I see so much in __ life. Im excited about all you have in store for __.
Keep __close to you father. Help ___ realize that you and I dream BIG dreams for __. I ask you to take extra good care of __. Those days when __ feels like the world is against __, and no one understands, let __ sit in your lap-- just like a child. Wrap your strong arms around __ and wipe __ tears away.
Sometimes, Father, __ dosen't show __ tears. Sometimes __ does all __ crying on the inside. Help __ feel comfortable enough around you to ACT on what __ FEELING.
__ so hard on _self... times when __ __ own worst enemy- beating __self up over not meeting someone's expectations. Teach __ that YOUR expectations are what's really important in life.
__ so much fun. Lord, I love laughing with ___. SOmetimes we just talk about daily stuff- like who's spreading rumors about __, __ latest grade in math class, trying to get so-and-so to notice __. And you know what? I love it! Im glad __ knows theres absoutely NOTHING too big or too small to pray about. Im thrilled __ knows that we care about everything.
Im concerned about unity, Father. I want __ to live in harmony and peace with those around __. Help __ to get over this feeling of having to be right all the time. Help me teach __ humility and geniune concern for others. I crave unity between my children... I want them to have the same kind of oneness that you and I have. Keep __ safe. Protect __. We'll walk by __ side together, Father. We'll take each step that __ takes, and we'll feel everything __ feels. the good AND the bad. The laughter, the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the joy. I want to experience all of that with __.
Ive told __ a lot- even wrote it all down with __... a personal collection of letters. I hope __ listens. Im going to keep talking to __- leading __ and guiding __- through that Spirit that i'll pour inside of __, and through my letters. Im concerned that __ hears and understands my voice. If __ just read my letters, everything will make sense. Help __ do that, Father. ANd assist __ in being consisent to getting to know us.
the world hates ___. They hate her because __ dosen't really fit in. ANd im glad __ not fitting in, because __ no more a part of this world then I am. But __ wants to fit in- forgetting that __ real home is with us... and that it's far beyond __ wildest imagination. I wish we could give __ a little taste of heaven, Father. But, I know.
That's where faith comes in. Help me to increase __ faith. I want nothing more for __ then to bcome all we dream of her to be.
I'll be joining you soon. And together, we'll work on getting __ house ready. In my place, though, i'll leave my very own personality- my Spirit- full of everything that I am, for __ fufillment and success.
I love __ so much, im giving my very own life for __ growth in holiness and truth and understanding. My life for __. It's worth it, Father. We have a genuine treasure when we have __.

Isen't that beautiful?
I hope you guys all feel more of Christmas then I do. To say the least, I have much more then I should and deserve to have. But God is good that way, hey?
Merry Christmas!
Love: to each and all of you. You change my life in oh so very many different ways each and every day.

Look Up, The Snow Is Falling And It Looks Like Love. Wait...

So... I just woke up. I haven't been at my best todays: im real tired, and somewhat sore and a little heartbroken. Mhm. I hate that feeling when you get up and you realize that you have to go somewhere. I have a Christmas concert to go to tonight and a mini family gathering. My eyes hurt. And look, I'm already overthinking.... :!
I find it my most easiest flaw is to find out how truely beautiful something is, when I have lost it. I really, more then anything, like to think things through until I have made sure it is something I like and something I can trust. I take for granted too often, to easy, and I don't hold tight enough grip on these things. So. We're going to work on that, we're being me. Because I think I am sometimes a bit of a too logical thinker. That's what I think... and it's funny because I think logical but I am not practical at all in any sense. I live in my dreams, and they get the best of me.
People get to me todays. Espescially todays. Honestly, what has Christmas become? Each new advertisement makes me sick. We've truely forgotten the purpose of Christmas under all the lights, 24 hour shopping, chocolates; etc. And what is "Happy Holidays" instead of "merry Christmas?" and what is it that a average person spends more then $1000 on Christmas? Makes sense, yes. But is it necessary? Giving is all nice and fun. I love it. But everybody just sit back and RELAX. There's something much more important then wrapping all your gifts on time, and having the perfect light display and the house perfect for company. It's Jesus. Have we forgotten the meaning of this season? This is supposed to be a celebration. I think everybody is just too stressed out to remember that. Including me. So. And gossip. I hate gossip. Too sit and listen to people gossip drives me THROUGH THE WALL and it's somewhat dumb, because I am too good at it myself. Enough of this. We should boycott it. Sound good? Yep, I think so.
This morning I had the privledge to see two of my relatves get baptized this morning at Forest Grove. It was a real nice service, and it's defnitely real cool to see someone that you know take that step. For anybody to take that step. And i forget about my own experience. I got baptized once! I was on that high once! Wow. Im working on it. I am. :)
But i need to go now to go to church. So, I hope you guys all have a good night and remember: the reason. I'm trying to too.

Someday I Will Ask You If I Was A Disapointment. I Will Ask You If You Put Your Heart and Money Into A Bad Investment.

I have made todays wonderful.
Mhm. My life has I knew it, changed so much over these past few months. And to have something... "normal" again todays made it wonderful.
I guess I have got caught up in myself and my problems these last few months. I've made, more then enough, mistakes and I haven't been the best to react to current or past situations. I'll admit it here, I am a sullen girl. I like living somewhat in the dark ( :) emo. i don't think so. :$) I like to think and worry about things until I have gotten them worked out... and during that time period I find myself horrible uninviting, unfriendly, loner... you know. im sorry. im quite good at that: i have to admit. but i'd rather it be wonderful. i'd rather share good times. i'd rather make the most of what i have. even if people tend to get you down alot. and life is good at that as well.
so: todays. 8 i was up. I love ponytail days. and peanut butter and jam for breakfast days. at church by 9:15. we did a runthrough of the songs we were singing, which was nice because i missed two practices that week and the practice that i did get to we were thinking that the whole thing was a lost cause. or i was. :). um... had some good sunday school discussion going on: as always. Ed is defnitely on my hero lists. He's so incredibly down to earth, but yet he is so wise, and he never, ever judges. ever. i love sunday school. i sometimes wish that it could go through the church service. i don't much enjoy services, i'll say that much... I just don't like the fact that there is special music and the way people clap after everything. ok, i know i am not going to probably get the best response here: but honestly, if your singing in church or something, your doing it for God. not for an audience. I mean, you had the audience and all, but... anyone get me? I get me. And worship is just not worship for me at my church. I mean, it is selfish to say that much because worship is worship wherever you are and whoever is singing, but i can never really get into it. you know? but we sang. and i did my solo. and apparently made a ridicilous face after which i got ridicueled for. but we laughed alot during the service. And wow: the message today was ever so amazing. It just woke me up to who I am and my priorties and the way I handle things. I mean, God is that light. And he will shine brighter and longer then any of these other things we desire here on earth.
I then headed into the city. I defnitely am too awesome at christmas shopping. lol... um. not exactly, but almost! Starbucks... mhm: for lunch. And the stupid esculator stopped and it got all over me. Oh well, it is a story to tell. :D:D. We did the Toys R Us thing. that was fun. I love that place... then we had a candy picnic and it was ever so nice. and nice out. thank you graham. i headed over to the library, to find those books that i had on request were gone. oh well. headed home and found out that i am awesome at getting ready fast. I dressed up tonight: A dress and all. It was quite fun. Sat up with the cool people on the balcony, at Salem. Listened to some awesome music the whole night... really. I espescially enjoyed Lee and Jeremy's "My First Noel" Then! my turn! I sang in the mass choir, 5 songs including the Hallejuah chorus and it was one of my favorite experiences. Phil is the best director ever, there is no one better. And to hear all those voices behind you and around you and it's just.... incredible. All these people singing to the same God, for the same reason, with the same purpose. It's just really neat. Then we took some nice pictures, and Bryce and Chrissy came over for a couple of hours. We hung out in my kitchen, and ate toast (chrissy is best at it) and talked lots. Which is always nice... and now I am wasting my night away on here. So, good night all! I hope you had a wonderful day as well!

Tired Of Walking This Alone.

i can't do this on my own.
and i am sick of thinking that i can. and trying too.
I don't ask God for his guidance enough. I realize that every day that I don't is a day wasted. Really and truely.
Walking this road alone has been my most stupid decision. and always will be.
Life has a way of throwing so many things at us. But to find purpose in these things is what means most.
I am not one to go into specifics. You know that all, already. But I will say this much: things just seem to get worse and worse... one thing after another: these days adleast. But... (!) i am okay. I am okay with this. I realize that he has a purpose for it all, and I am beginning to learn that. Maybe not learning that purpose, and maybe I never will, but.
I am at peace. promise.
the thing I will say i am not proud of learning is that, you cannot trust quite anyone. My walls have been put back up... and they will proabably continue to climb.
and I am hungry: for you love. and im starving for: better times. and I really don't get how this happened. i don't get it but i am okay: trust me. just remember that i don't think i can do this again. i don't think i can but i know i will. so: find comfort in that much. and maybe someday it will fly. maybe. Seasons change: they change when you don't seem to notice. All of a sudden, wind grows cold and the snowflakes start to fall. It's kind of like when I fell in love with you, I, didn't even notice, when you didn't love me anymore.
and that's it. I miss all my friends and I can't wait till this over. i really can't.
susie suh tonight for me. mostly "recognition" and. missing you. and... a walk outside. and dreaming of a train bridge stroll: thats it. some more hot chocolate (4th cup. :p) as well. but i have taken your hand,God. and I thank you for being there. always. i thank you for being okay. i thank you for christmas decorating with alex, and e-mails, and hero stories handset by curtis, and hot chocolate, and plans... i miss my deathcab, i really do.

good night. sleep tight, and all that other nice stuff....

Too Many Times I've Wanted To Turn Around And Walk Away.

I am happy todays because I chose to be.
So what if disappearing seems to be the most desirable thing right now... Let's, just for once, forget all the traits and tragedies of life. It's just too much to feel sometimes. Sometimes, forgetting is all we have. And can do. So, let's disappear in a ray of sunshine to some unforgettable unknown world and dance in sense that we don't have to think about... anything. Let's forget about time, and the fact that we don't have much of it... until infinity ends (ha)
I am a tragedy in the sense that i am too sullen. This perfect mold of whom I have created for myself through my image is fake... all fake. Don't take note of that. I am a mess. I have no remedies for myself or for life and i am too set on happiness. Im either looking all the wrong places, or I am looking too hard. that's it. I exagerate too much on my trust issues, but let my guard down to someone in whom I thought I could bring it down. I think the awnser to all my problems here is in leaving. The awnsers to these problems are reconciliation... before leaving. The awnser to my happiness is faith in God that I shall be content with what I have... and with life. I was given a chance to be something different, and im basking in a deep hole of darkness because I don't have things right. What is... right? Logic is a bunch of bull. Life isen't logic. It's... living. I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I shouldn't worry so much. I should focus on the fact that this is short, and there is so much else that needs to be done for others, and not for myself. The one thing I will worry about is: i've been the fool. and i'm deep in this. and i will do anything to make it right again. i will. just promise me you'll give it another chance. Maybe it was fading and is fading away.... but i'll grab hold to it before it's gone if you help me. please?

so i have closed my eyes now. and i am disappearing....
but no worries. i will be back tomorrow.
and tomorrow I will be doing my best to catch this slow fade of love. and life. because i am letting it slip away....

I Fear That Was My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake.
How can we be in surronded with so much people, so much noise and light and.... anxiety? It slips in, overtakes us with the trace of bad memories.
I don't know myself anymore. I was so content with the thought of finally finding it.... but it has slipped away again. How do I let it? Isen't that all I want....?
I'm. Clueless.
Im stuck contimplating whether I make everyone else happy and lose myself or find it and...
Tonight. i just don't feel right. Because I may have let my guard down, and trusted to much. I thought it was right, but I take that back. I don't know what I am anymore.
a poem. tonight.... for: life. I just don't know how tonight took place, or why. I just know that tomorrow I will open my blinds and pertend there is sunshine. okay?
I just need to disappear, even if it's just tonight.


I will remember you as the artist or two that tried to screw me over, because it's the bolder thing to do. I've made myself the fool, who is falling for you. So let me down softly this time, so I won't have to come back crying. I've just made myself look bad, your the one that should be mad. It'd be better to forget you, but I don't really want to.
and what am i, darling? a whisper in your ear, a piece of your cake? Here's to you and your love. I've got years to wait around for you...