Friday, September 30, 2005

what the hell am i doing here? I don't belong here.

Li
fe tends to feel like that sometimes, not belonging is easy to get away with... it's easy to just be meaningless in a sea of people, a background. I'm pretty sure today was something like this, a struggle to belong, yes and no. I've been at home this afternoon, mainly upstairs, working on some art, listening to some damien rice and ray lamontagne... and resting. This week has been different.. not good, not bad, not real stressful but it felt like that. My weekend plans are undecided. Come to think of it, my life is undecided. Ha. Today's another day to think about all of this... my future, I mean. It's hard to know... hard to decide. I'm so undecisive. This weekend is going to be okay, though I think. My brother and sister are at a over night volleyball tournament, my dad is well.. um working, what else! (sigh) So quiet in the house will be nice... for my Mom and for I. My math test went well, this morning, I think. I kinda forgot graphing neg. slope but I guess i'm not too worried. This year i've kinda wiped myself a fresh slate, and it feels good.
So... for tonight. My plans are contradicting eachother. Anyways, if no one awnsers my phone then call the cell {229 0974}
Love.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

writing is strictly for comfort tonight. I feel cold and... alone. Today was the day I didn't think it would be. I woke up at quarter after eight, and getting up then was a big drag... I bascially hopped into the shower and out the door. Those mornings make the rest of the day a little harder. I rushed to two periods of math that left me frustrated and afraid of the test, I thought I had this stuff down... going to take some studying time tonight. History was alright, probably because the fact that Mr. Cross wasen't there, he makes that class untolerable. Lunch was fine... got to catch up on some things with kate... it's so weird, things. One minute you're best friends and then you just drift apart... I guess. That's the way it's been with us two, kinda sad... but I've guess that's the way things work out. English-- our play turned out okay, I guess. I was a little disapointed that i didn't get more credit for all the work done.. but hey, what am i saying? That is such a bad thought, Brooke. Uh. Spare, I wasted my time away in the computer lab, doing more english homework and finding a couple of new bands to check out, so that's kinda exciting. Chrissy got me my Matt Nathanson cd todays... so that was good. Just now, I got back from our Bottle Drive in Laird... ha-- Tom, Nate, Collin and I.. Interesting. Not very successful, in geting bottles or the guy's intentions to get some alcohol.. oh, but we did get cookies. Ha. Um...
So, I guess i'm thinking tonight that I should try a little harder. To be happy, I mean. I mean, things have been going good, but I don't know...
Hm. Going to sign off now.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Today's another reason for living...

Another late night. I am here writing, just upon finishing that english assignment... relief, yes. Still not feeling too great about it, I am hoping things will turn out okay tomorrow, don't know what it has in store for me yet...
I love that line (up there- by olp.) I wish so much that I had that kind of outlook on life... i really, really do. Life just seems so lacking, sometimes. Getting up each day to another day at school, at work... of homework, of people, sometimes strangers... Sometimes it's hard to really see the point of it all. But as life goes by, and my relationship with God grows (i try) I think maybe I am beginning to see...?
I've fallen into the meaningless cliche of "liking someone" I kinda want to hit myself on the back of my head for it... but I guess I can't help it... it's human, and I think it's fair.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. The play in english, maybe even a math test, Bottle drive, pictures and starting the posters for the guy's band, but i'm looking forward to seeing Angie. It's hard at school without her and Terri sometimes... espescially remembering that Terri is two provinces away and having the "time of her life" Ha. Oh! Michelle had her baby today... a baby boy, Aidan James (oh no... correct me if i am wrong) so that was quite a blessing todays... she's been in the hospital for two days in horrible pain, so i am glad that that went well. So now is it almost thursday... and where has this week gone? Kind of lose track of things sometimes.
I guess one thing i've really been struggling with is my family... it is something I always am. It is not something I talk about much to other people, because most of it I'd rather keep to myself and so I am not going to go into details... but that's nothing new. Bryce said to me todays "I don't get why you're so secretive" Neither do I. Maybe a lack of trust, I guess? Something like that.
I've rambled on again... i'm sorry. I am going to go find a costume for that play, and then get some much- needed sleep... xxx.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.. No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... I don't know you any more... (damien rice)

so.. i changed my mind. writing in this thing is addicting... like a new band or a new fetish with something... like coloring (ha! my aunt was making fun of me yesterday) or...
I haven't been sleeping well lately... I never really have, I guess. I'm scared to get on sleeping pills, because my dad's addicted to them... I don't want to get immune to them like I am to Tylenol. So this english thing... ha, guess who's sitting here trying to do it by myself... wish me good luck kay? Another late night. Good thing my math test got moved..
Today left me feeling lonely but happy. Im glad Andy is back at school... I missed her. Lucky me, Mr. Cross booked our lecture over English so we didn't have to make an excuse on why we weren't done. Math was... hm... I got maybe 3 questions done? But I got some of Trevors licoroce.. :). Noon time I hung out with Chrissy... then art, which is probably my favorite class., by far. Then spare, and Kendra, Joel and I folded newsletters and did "homework" for the rest of that class. Wish us all congrats, we finally finished that yearbook (good picture taking this morning, brooke.. ;) ) Have to go to work soon... but it's with Curtis, so it's not all that bad, "Monkey" smiles. Just hoping i'll finish this english... Anyways, if anyone is in lack of something to do on the weekend, then let me know! God bless.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Okay.

So, lately i've noticed i've been posting blogs with a small explanation of my day, and maybe some thoughts when I used to only post when I was having one of those nights where questions ran through my head... and in need of explanation. So, maybe I need to slow it down on here.. because i'm sure you guys don't like hearing about my boring life...
Todays been an okay day. This year, it's easy to find school fun when I have spares everyday and when teachers let us get away with almost everything... but I can't say that the stress of school dosen't get to me, or there are those days where you go and everything is a drag... where you just want to go home and crawl into bed, and not have to think about friends and people, and stupid gossip and... life.
I have a tiny prayer request. My friend Chrissy got rushed into the doctors office this morning, when an injury occuring to her ankle and knee happened (football) Her life is track and volleyball. That is what she is passionate for, and that's the highlights. She's not picking up her cell, so I've burned some cds and drew a nice picture for her and im going to go over there before bible study to see what's going on, but all in all, it's bad news and I cant help feeling major sorry for her! Thank-you God, it's only strained ligaments and no serious damage! (she just "called" now)
My sister somehow blew our stupid computer speakers, so that is some bad news on my part. It was Andy's first day back after being sick for a week... so it was good to have her in school again! My friend and I went out for coffee last class and resolved the whole Sunday issue... so that was good, glad we're friends again.. and things back to normal! I'm looking forward to the weekened too. Joel made Curtis switch Friday with him so I could go to into the city with him and etc so that should be okay.. funny... and watching volleyball at U of S on saturday and so on and so forth... things are looking up. Something I prayed last night was that as much as i'm all out for God when things are going great, I need to be all out for him when it's bad too, because that's when I need him most!
Something else that's been in my prayers is his direction. I thought I knew what I wanted to do next year, but i'm not quite sure that's what he wants, and what I want. As much as I should be applying for places, I am totally clueless on that issue! I'm sure i'll get it worked out though! Anyways, I am out. I need to eat supper and get out of here... so ttyl all!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Such a Dork...

Ha, what is this... the 2nd time im writing in this todays? Gosh... gotta get more of a life... ha. God has proved himself once again. What was I doing worrying about this arguement thing? I just got a explanation in full on how embrassed my friend was for the whole conversation and how stupid he'd been acting.. and all the time I thought i was the one that had set it off... even though that comment or two that i made wasn't necessary... So, tonight Nathan ran all the way to my house (all 10k- Justin was gonna join him) to hang out and play Xbox.. and then Chrissy phoned and told me that her and Alli were coming over, so they did and I had fun hanging out with them... and there was exchange of clothes and cds, so that means I get a little bit of a new wardrobe and music collection.. ha, yes! In other good news, friday I get my iPod.. so im physched about that.. the only thing is this English thing due... as much as I love both Collin and Jared, working with them in a group for SCHOOL sucks.. we don't get anything done, and it's really hard.. aw, enough of this-- im going to bed!
Love
Mondays (Got Me)

Here... so going to warn, first hand that my thoughts are scattered tonight (but what's new) I've been trying to remind myself about Saturday and it's peace, and I can't say that i've been doing the best job. An arguement arose last night about trust issues with a good friend of mine... and I feel so gross about the whole thing. I wish I knew better how to keep my mouth shut. People say i'm too honest, too blunt. And maybe it's true. I really got myself in trouble last night, why do I feel the need to win a stupid arguement? Why can't I let things be? I ignored things this morning, maybe I shouldn't have? I hate arguements. I hate the thought that someone else is angry with me. I sent an apology letter (maybe even two...) I just don't think things will be the same, between him and I.
My day was okay. A complele inventory of my room went on this afternoon, feels good because I've been living in a mess for a while now. My morning was okay... Congrats to Chrissy, on your liscence, hun! She got the Feist tickets todays and I purchased our's for Raise Up (a benefit concert for Dwayne Harms that a friend of mine is putting on... come on guys!) so i'm looking forward to that all.
Today was our first real worship practice, and I can't say it went really well and I can't say it was horrible either. What we need is some confidence (inc. me!) I think we sometimes forget who our audience is and that the main reason we're doing it is for God, and God alone! Elsie said my alto was going good, since I was the only one.. ha, but that was good to hear! Justin and Nathan are supposed to be coming over tonight, so that should be okay. No homework, either. See, im being positive!
So, i've been denying myself of something. I don't get this thing at all, but maybe i'm ready to accept it. I don't know how to bring it up, get it out of system... whatever, but perhaps I will come up with a genius plan soon... ha. No... I really should go... Hava good night!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Peace Once Again...

Last night took it's turn... I have never had such a mood change. After all that thinking and feeling sorry for myself I went out for a much- needed run (Damien Rice on my mp3... very key) God showed his glory, his love last night... that was made clear...so real... in the gorgeous starry sky (you should have seen it) and the quiet in my heart. I spent a real long time outside just basking in that... something had taken me over when I gotten inside. And to my suprise, I got a phone call... and called back, and ended up spending the night over at Chrissys... which was good... my friends defnitely know how to make me smile, the night was defnitely different then other nights/ days that i've spent with my friends this weekend. And this morning, when I had woken up late and was almost late for worship practice, there was peace once again... on the drive there, up on stage when I sang, unsure of my alto parts, up there when I was reading alone... thank you God! That's all I have to say right now. Also, i've changed my mind... i'm not quite ready to give up on that. Something was said last night that changed my opinion... so i'm ready to see what that's going to go on with that!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A Night's Consquences

So.. this whole weekend and it's circumstances have left me only empty and lonely. I hate to say that i've given into these thoughts, but tis is true. Maybe it's even a little refreshing... maybe being happy or content constantly is not real... in fact, I think it these times that make up to the happiness. I think I rely too much on other people, to make me happy... and that is something I need to work on. I am also the sort of the person, that once everything is done and said with... once im "unbusy" I am left with too much time to think... you probably agree that I overthink things... and that is okay. I mean, there it is a good and a bad thing... I think before I say things, and usually don't let things come out that I would regret later... although that happens.. and dosen't it to everyone? But the negative aspect of it is that I should just enjoy life more and stop thinking about what is going to happen and .... and ....
So i thought that maybe I would explain a little of this weekend to you without being too open and using names and particular situations, because it might get me in trouble. But friday was a night that was probably a needed night in me and my friends lives. Things happened that contribuated negatively to our naive thinking... and that is an okay thing... we need that sometimes. I was also left feeling a little disapointed with a friend of mine... Her pledge was to be done with it all (im not going to go into "all) ... but of course, when you have alcohol in your system, you forget those kind of things, ha. A ex of mine also hooked up with my much younger best friend... which made things defnitely different.. but in light of it all, me and him had a good talk and resolved things between us that had been untouched for months... and that I am relieved. I also, gave up on something/ someone that I have been kind of hanging onto for a little while... I have realized that it is foolish to think that they are going to change... not that I do not offer hope or prayers but I think I needed to give that up to breathe freely again.
The last thing I leave you with is a new thing to obsess over. Damien Rice. His messy folk music has got me completely hooked, and I have listened to it day and night lately. His lyrics are inspirational but also very easy to relate too. That is something you need to listen too...
To each and all, Love you...
p.s the title of this blog came from a title of a poem my friend just sent me todays... so it his own.