I almost had one of those feelings. Those 10 year old feelings.
Jumping on the trampoline, the sun shining bright. With unwashed hair, and no makeup, dancing around in a pokka dotted dress.


almost.
Because when I looked at my toes they were painted red.

Lately, life is alot of growing up. So much wants to jump back in time, where the end of my childhood wasen't coming up so soon. Even a week ago, because things didn't hit me like they do now.
This is my summer, the end, my last summer to be free of responsability and change and...
growing up.

theletdown.
i didn't get the job.

thegoodnews.
exams are over.

Needless to say, my day didn't go too great. I am tired, really tired. I was at school 9-11 cramming for math. 11-11:30 at a very unsuccesful interview. 12:30-2:30 a horrid math departmental.

but im done. the school aspect of it anyway. Tomorrow is grad. That means like +382y4372y43732t872 things to do. And I have to wake up early to be in Saskatoon for the appointments. I want to go to bed early tonight, but I have to make this big collage thing for my Mother. And like 40 other things else.

So, if we haven't hung out in a while and you want too, then call me up this weekend. or next week. Because, I don't hae a job and I sure don't have school or physchology to use as an excuse. you can always get me on my cell.


dhbfjhsbjfifeellikecrying.
but i'm relieved.

The rain comes down like a victory,

In sheets of shining memory,

Over and over, Circling around.

Oh my love i can't let go,

Somethings wrong i can`t let go.

When it rains, Oh tears my soul apart.

Yesterday was one of those days, where instead of realizing everything had changed, it was suddenly realizing that everything had changed and i was stuck behind.

I like to grasp onto things. I can't say I favor change. Well last night I realized I hadn't held on enough.
Yesterday was the day I turned 18.
Yesterday was the day after the last day of my high school career.

I have this incredible feeling of homesickness and I haven't even left.

I have this homesickness for the smell of summer, and roof climbing and looking at stars and then running away when we got caught, and past relationships, and past circle of friends. Before things actually mattered. When school was all there was to complain about. Where we had endless amounts of freedom, and none at all at the same time. Those times when we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Those times when we were.... together.

I have this homesickness and I haven't even left.
I have this homesickness and I never have before.

I am oficially done Physchology 30.
I don't even know how to feel. Well, other then relieved, excited.... more like extremely stoked.
This has been something that has been hanging over my head for such a long time. I was supposed to recieve the package (it's a correspondence class) by the end of March (adleast) but instead I recieved it mid April. That gave me two months to finish a package (more work then I ever bargained for) all by myself, on my free time. If you know me, you know I don't really enjoy school. And I like to procastinate... I really do. At first I was notified that the deadline for it was May the 26th. Actually, the main reason I quit my job at the store was because of this (pretty much), a job I had obtained for over a year and a half. That was devastating, I know it's just a job but to me it meant a whole different part of my life. A huge History essay was also assigned for the end of May, leaving me even more stressed. Two weeks before the May 26th deadline, I was notified that I had more time to finish my package... till the time of school ending (next week) And I must let you guys know that I need this credit to graduate. The teacher that found this out, said that I could write my exam in August. Well, around June the 6th I checked into that. I found out that I would have to write the exam in December. I'm in Colorado in September. A teacher figured out that if I submitted the assignments by June the 16th at 9:00 am, that I could write here on the June 20th date. So, that gave me on week to complete the course. So let's just say this last week has been horrid. I'm so much in need of sleep, it's not even funny. I look horrible too, and im sick, and we have grad candids tomorrow.
I'm free of a burden that was overwhelming to carry.

Other then that, every other aspect of my life has been not- great. I may be looking upon it on a dark attitude because I don't have much sleep in me and my body isen't functioning to well lately health-wise. But, I am sick of school and every one in it. Everyone. It's horrible... I hate that I feel that way but really there is nothing that it offers. And... well, let's just say every single one of my friends have been paired up (relationship- wise). I feel like i'm the bad end of this all. (look at me... pessimistic as usual) ... but I feel so lonely. I haven't talked to someone that was my strength in such a long time. I just feel really betrayed, and that's drastic, but yeah, I do. Things just seem to be getting worse. And it's not good since Graduation is next week and that's the time I'm supposed to be crying and sad. I really don't care... about anything. I just want to get a job and have my summer to read and pursue hobbies and spend time doing things that I want to do. I felt like I was getting somewhere in my relationship with God, but I am stupid enough to let it go. I feel bitter... towards everyone.
So beware.

Summer has never brought me loneliness. Summer is supposed to be "my time"
ifyouknowwhatimean.
You probably don't.

Friggin Griff Rhys offered me his beer.
ahah! No, tonight was spectacular! Graham, Zach and I went to see Bright Eyes (yes i know) at Prarie Land Park, and Griff Rhys (lead of Super Furry Animals) opened.

At first, we couldn't figure out why there was more people there. Griff Rhys, in company with his two guitars, and other endless amount of random (and i mean random) insturments, not to mention his two "birds", started the night out excellently! I was rather impressed! He was good. He brought about a couple of laughs as well.

Then... Bright Eyes. So, if you know me some, then you must know that Bright Eyes are... well, their my band. Not my band like I own them.. but those lyrics are locked tight within me. If I could meet any two musicians, first off, Conor Oberst... and then Jenny Lewis. (but Chan Marshall comes pretty close up there) He opened up with a new song that no one could recognize with a entourage of muscians... AND Maria Taylor (Azure Ray, etc) was his drummer! Gosh, you hear it on the cd and its that good but then you see it live. It's incredible. It was so weird to see someone that is on my walls, in my head (the music :) ), right up there in front of me. He left without singing "Lua" and I hardly cared, because the rest was oh so AMAZING. "Poison Oak" was one of my favorites.. and my "Lover I don't Have To Love" which was neat that he included that, because I didn't think he would. I loved when Maria and him sang together... or the song with the whole Bright Eyes band and Griff Rhys!

After, Zach was just like "Want to go walk around the back?" So us three did... and well, we eventually came across some windows. And what was inside.... was well, their tour bus but all of them were hanging out there. Aha, us 3 and some other girls stood by the door and eventually a member of security came out and started chatting. Since the girls were their first, he asked them whom woud they like to say. Well, they said Griff Rhys, but they thought he was just joking. Sure enough, the security guy and him... yes, a little drunk... or, uh, alot, show up at the door to talk! I could hardly understand what he was saying but he chatted for a while and gave out autographs. Then he offered us his beer... lol, after spilling it all over himself. But WOW: im so glad we didn't leave, ha we were major creeps and stayed out there in the rain for like 25 minutes or something. Oh well, it was worth it. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

the coffees never strong enough anymore.