Monday, July 31, 2006

i saw you the other day. i saw you through a rain soaked stretch of dirty pavement, that had once been littered with the tools that were used to destroy someones mind. the rain's intentions were to wash the unclean away, but i still saw the past.
sometimes i see you in things that disrupt my smile, and its funny, because sometimes i even see you in the way my name is screamed for everybody to hear and you don't even care. i thought about summer the other day, and how fast good things have to end, and all i could think about was you. and the way you always said my name in a way i thought was special, but you liked the way it sounded because you knew that you had me. i thought about the way you liked to tell me that i was not among this world, but more, and you only said that because you didn't want to look back. then i thought about its rare numbered occurences, but i knew it was you that wanted that. and what hurt the most, was thinking about the way i ran into your standstill, and you didn't seem to mind me disturbing. but then it was too much, too much for you, to handle. and you thought it would be all okay, because it was too much, for me, just in a different way, but i'm stronger then you, darling. i could have handled it. i could have handled it until,
i saw you in that look she gave me before she even knew anything. and then i remembered the way i couldn't look at you the same, even though i wanted it, in anger, so much, but i couldn't, because i wasen't that strong enough and you seemed to think your words were reasurring, even after you had picked up and moved someplace else.
but as piercing as that look was, and how much truth it showed me, it was nothing like the other day when i saw her and i gave her that look back. because, now you should know, we're even now.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

most days, all I feel like I want is butterflies.
When I think about it again, I don't deserve that. How can I deserve that when I can't even stand the thought of caring for someone so much that I trust them? I put up this invisible wall, and only when your coming in do you see it, bump right into it.
But I don't get why you keep going... And everytime, I push you out. But its not only you, it's everyone. And its every one that has tried to keep going.

So why waste the effort? It's not coming down anytime soon.
No matter how much I want the butterflies.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Sometimes I forget that all this time has passed, and things aren't the same as they were then. Sometimes I think that were "those times" and other I feel the opposite. So much as changed, so much changes all the time and it all goes by like scenery does on a long car ride. Sometimes I feel like I favor it, but most of the time I don't.
Sometimes I really miss those people associated with those times, and other times I don't. Some nights, I feel it like it like it was then, and when nothing else seemed better. When the people that had meant so much to me beforehand, the feelings seemed thin. I didn't realy seem to care what fair was, but I didn't think I knew what the hell fair was, if I did. All that passed through my mind was how what had happened had threw me into the opposite corner, leaving me to get up on my own. But it didn't matter, because there was suddenly this new oppertunity to get up and run away with. So I did. And only after it had cooled down, I looked back, and not that that was the mistake, but letting them take me away like they did, to some world that only existed for as long as the deadline let it. And when the deadline ran out, I was thrown out of both worlds, out of that room and into that dark closet where I don't think no one even knew I was in. And although it took more time that i should have, i got myself out and worked myself back in the crowd, the one without the deadline, and found out that sometimes change is whats needed to make sense of things. to make sense of where you are and why you are there in the first place. to determine if where you are is where you should be.

Sometimes I still wish I was there. But most of me is still stuck back in that time before that when it never had happened, stuck behind. But it's okay, I don't mind.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I didn't think, that when, I failed to keep my promise, that you would be so irreplaceable.
I always thought I took things too seriously. I didn't understand how much it meant to you. I thought that things would stay the same, and never change. That i'd wake to your words, and Sigur Ros at night would mean everything that is you to me. That when I saw your eyes, we could escape everything that was destroying me and it didn't even matter that we got lost. That the lights seeemed so much brighter, the coffee so much stronger and the words so much louder. That the future lied so far behind us, and when it didn't, it was etched into our minds as not a worry, because it corresponded. The cold didn't seem so cold, and the path not so far. The words kept getting stronger and enduring longer in my head, and then all that was then got placed behind... us. You were the only person that seemed to make me forget.
But when it was all said and done with, you taught me that the cold is as it feels, and nothing, not even you, can make it warmer. You taught me that even when I thought I could shell out a little trust, I can't. I know it all sounds bad, and it really did seem so at the time. But I don't know what I would do if it was still that way at this moment, becauuse, deep down, I believe that it was too good to be true.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I once had this idea that when the day that independance would arrive on my doorstep, I would be free. I would be free of the chains that had held me back for so long, that had seemed to only pull me closer to pain, and with that pain came tolerance.
I never was good at screaming for help.
As the day grew closer and closer to arriving, I began to want it more and more. This want became the fall. The fall that would give me nothing for all the things I sacrificed. The fall that seemed determined by bad decisions that I had made that I understood were right. The fall that seemed to be the end of... me? Or the end of... the person that was me?
And as the day came, I wanted it no more. I just wanted back all those things I had sacrificed, given up, for the sake of this.
Now i'm here and im not sure I want to pick it up and leave. You know I hardly favored change.
But sometimes it shone its light... and those times I tried my hardest to stay back when all I wanted was to be gone.
But it seems as if, something is keeping me back, pulling on my arms, and pulling on my veins, and pulling on my emotions.
I once thought it was you, but I was wrong. I want you to stay behind that door and don't call my name or chase after me when I leave. Don't you understand that we never existed? Your going to ask me now if understood ... I always did. But I play the part well.
So now you know.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

it was pure sunshine.
it felt like only you and I, although there was others.
The pavement hot to my feet, and the way my toes felt stuck inbetween the sand.
The way I felt when you smiled at me, it was like the whole universe evolved around that.
Just you and I, inbetween the company of two more.
It didn't seem to matter how high you pushed me, or how fast I ran away. Still not fast enough, because this time I didn't mind getting caught.
The sunshines rays seemed to only catch us two, and it felt like all i could see. I could not hear any sounds, except the faint laughter and the way my name sounded when it left your lips. It didn't seem to matter who was watching, who was listening, because they were invisible... to us. And for once, I felt like nothing else mattered... only what was happening in that moment. That moment that I let get away not a long time after.

No matter where you are now, no matter who you are, no matter who you are to me,
I still cherish that day.
Because... I felt different, I felt...
happy

Monday, July 17, 2006

You know when your breathing something in and it feels like the air you should be breathing? Then you walk away, and return to where you were, and you feel like you don't belong?
When I escape into my dreams, I feel like i'm breathing that air. And I awake to reality, to the world that surronds me.
As I sat on a park bench one day, beside an abberently large ten year old or so, as I sat at the dinner table with the "ideal family", as I spoke among the peers at my lunchtable, I found out I was the only one that thought the world was this slowly decaying, like the old clawfoot tub in my musty shed, decreasing more and more as people did uglier and uglier things, abolishing any beauty that lied here.
I didn't always believe this, no child does. Every child grasps onto those ideas that authorized by their parents to feel, to see, to construct. They dream of blues, and greens, and reds and purples and things that are fun, that bring forth smiles and every bit of the world seems like a new inch of a playground to discover. A scrape or a bruise puts you farther down that ladder, and that feeling of spinning only occurs when on the merry-go-round. You don't hit the ground as hard when you fall, and you like being chased after. You hate being called inside, but inside is no cage to you, you just dream of tomorrow and all those colors.
Only now, you wish like hell that you felt even a little bit like that. Growing up means opening up, seeing more then that's just... there. Hope and dreams dont exist the way that they used too. And you can't help but want to escape out of everything that closes you in now, but you don't, and you can't, because you've seen too much... now. Thrown into all this ugliness, with flailing arms, and open mouth, and abousetly no choice.
I had this idea once that if I met someone that felt the same, I could crawl back right back into my skin. I don't believe i've met anybody like that, so I'm starting to doubt its truth. And sometimes I wish I could find my way out of all this doubting. Because in a world that does not believe in truth, where am I left to go? It'd be much easier if I had someone to go with through this path, that seems so absurd to everyone else, but living to me.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

In the time measured by childhood thoughts, aspirations and dreams,
you were always ahead.
I didn't mind being behind, though. I was content in the middle, taking the slow pace. As you and it begin to take place, I inched down towards inadequateness.
Three steps behind, I watched in resentment. I will always have that image of you, in my head. That image of you , your head slightly turned towards me and raising your hand to say "come with me" But I stood still, time stood still, for me. But you had moved on.
I turned around, and I felt like I was sinking deeper into that hole. And I gave in, letting self confidence sink deeper then me into that opening.
Years and years passed, and I looked towards that light, but never found my way out. I hid behind those volumes of beautiful words, or... your shadow. You stood so tall, and admired, but your glances never went my way, anymore.
I peeked beyond my safety net sometimes, to see, to hope. But you never seemed to care.

So one day, they sat down. They taught me about you and all your ways that you had moved on ahead of me. And they told me I could use it for power. They told me I could change the way things were for me with it. And then they walked away like they were never there. And you just looked on, not even meeting my eyes. Looking on with pity, like I was not worth your glance, but you were doing me some favor.

So I learned how to use that power, to change things between them and I. Between every single aquiantence I met in that hall, between things that had always scared me about them. But I endured that fear, because I wanted to meet where you were and had been for so long, before me.

But baby, i'm still hiding behind those books, behind my hair. Behind those words, behind my shame, behind my inadequateness, behind my fear, behind... myself.
And you still haven't cared enough to even take a glance my way, to see if I was caught up.
i remember that time when i believed what you would say. i remember that time when you held the whole world in your hands. i remember that time when i believed you were safe. i remember when you built that independance in me, but kept me at arms length. i remember that time when i believed in that kind of independance, the one where you and me were interconnected. i remember those times when i was smiling and you were smiling back at me. i remember those times when you were so proud of me. i remember that time when i didn't need to worry, when you did it for me.

it started in mass of dream worlds that we visited, together. despite the happiness that was promised, all i could hear was darkness. being it the worst, because i don't remember hearing it before then. she was always crying. her tears turned into my own, and soon all those memories didnt mean a thing. because all i remember now is the way the corner looked, when i was hiding in the darkness from both the light and who you were now. i tried at first, to fight back, through words and sometimes actions. but you and me both know that i am not strong enough. so i stopped fighting, and learned to be strong. strong in that i was a rock. i did not speak words, nor truth, nothing. and when they were exchanged back, i kept them all inside. they still are, there. and everytime you threw at me hurt, it didn't matter. i stood tall, then. but when the lights were off, and the door closed i fell into pieces. i fell into pieces so that you could not hear, because i knew if you did there would be more to come. i've fallen apart so many times that i think all the peices are lying around and i have yet to peice them back together and find out who i am.

i don't regret my destination. no, its all i've ever wanted and its coming true. maybe when i'll be able to put some stuff back together and i hope with all my heart that when i return, you will have learned another way to demonstrate your emotions. because im tired of fighting. and dont you ever forget that you have put me here, where i am now. and i know you are ashamed of that place, but it's really too bad you cant go back into time, yes? yeah.
the air was abundant, ready to take over, anticipating disaster. I crept across the silvery pavement that reflected rays of lights from those windows that let me look into what life was like, what being alive meant, what you had said. but I have always been on the outside.
my hands shaking, i touched the doorknob, but didn't go through with my action. instead, i turned around and stared across the sheets of rain towards the glow of the orange lamplight. tracing my steps over the glow, i climbed the fence and towards my destination. i heard your voice calling, but i kept walking. i kept walking. i heard your footsteps on the wet ground, coming closer and closer but it didn't matter anymore, i had reached it.
i turned around and met your eyes. and then it was like we had shook hands and said goodbye. you turned to go, but didn't move an inch. i turned away, and i am still walking.
I'm Sorry.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

hesitant, and maybe fidgity, that's the way we always were.
glances that meant something, but never words... there were no words.
no, we were never like this.

like this, i mean now.
i still feel it, sometimes though. When those glances mean words... mean more then words.

no, we we never were like this.
and i don't think we'll ever really be.
because i feel like everytime it takes off, the wind will not take it.
and down it goes.
again,
and again.
until one of us... fly away,
the wind will have it then, the wind will have me then.

Friday, July 14, 2006

i hate that feeling when,
you wake up in the morning and you know it's coming... betrayal.
And you were wrong when you thought it was going to be okay, because your just back where your started... Lonely.

And I don't really care how this sounds. Because, it's true.
But don't worry friends, I''ll keep that smile on. I'll keep saying "yes" when thats the last thing I want. When that's the last thing you mean. Two can play this game... just know that I can play it better. If anything, that's what I can do. And will do.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

i've decided...

that although the walls are closing in

im not a spec.
no, not anymore. because someone cared enough to notice more.

Monday, July 10, 2006

and tonight i found that all i had was the
battery life,
and the consistent boom of that thunder.
and that shocking red flash, from time to time.

and it was all,
gone.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

when i think, those thoughts i form into words that would fit so perfectly in the pages of my journal, or in here.
but when it comes down to it, when i get to that point they are gone.

i used to use my words as my saving grace. i used to find writing in this blog, it's own remedy, my own remedy.
but everything looks better on paper.
and...
i just can't give up on this.
because the other day, between mountains and an endless, very winding, road... some came.
and that is a beginning.
and... there is no use turning back now. even if it takes a while. even if it's hard. because, everthing, these days, just is.