Wednesday, April 26, 2006

so i've had a xanga for a while.
but it was used only for subscriptions to some pretty crazy photographers in whom i admire.

Im making use of it. I posted a couple of blogs there... I might ditch it. We'll see. I like it so far though... that may change. I think this online thing is driving me over a cliff... all these accounts to all these crazy sites that are bascially the same... except well on Xanga, you can play with code more. Ive become such a html dork. I hate it.

anyways: try it out. You might like it too:
http://www.xanga.com/sheis_justbrooke

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Why Don't the Buildings Cry?

I don't really know how I can be so stressed out about something, but leave it be and completely ignore it and do other pointless things in it's place. I hate the internet. I mean... I love it. But too many distractions.

I was making a collage for my myspace today and stupid photobucket totally screwed my pictures over. But its okay. I mean, it only took 834728 hours. :)

So. I'm really excited for Bright Eyes. I'm still in disbelief with the fact that he is actually going to be in Saskatoon. I love it though. I just don't want to get sold out to some girl who's going to be screaming "I Love Conor Oberst! eeeeeeee!" the whole time. I mean, sure, I love Conor Oberst too. But i'm not going to advertise it.

Not going to work is such a weird feeling to me, still. I'm not sure if I like it. I have WAY too much free time. But I really don't. Because I should be doing my physchology 24/7. And it's hard. It really is.

Im super glad Chrissy is home from California... and Andy from Calgary, and everyone from Timber Bay although I am super jealous I didn't get to go. This spring break flew by way too fast. Winnipeg was good. I spent alot of time here at home. Oh... Alli and I had such a great day yesterday. We went on a mini road trip/ picture taking spree/ picnic. I love laughing with her... when we get stuck in mud, and when gas jockeys crack lame jokes, crazy ladies come out of abandonded houses, and veichiles come out of nowhere, and when we run over roadkill. um. Last night was good. Bryce left for Ottawa today... so Chrissy and him and I went out for coffee and I got this sweet coloring book from Chrissy. Mhm.. coffee. I so miss not having 2 cups a meal like I did at Omas. Oh, Last night was perfect. I swear it was.

Today wasen't so. I napped some. I love taking naps.. I never used to be able but now I always feel tired. I guess it's the little bit left from me being sick. Agh. I don't want to go to the doctors because... well. If you know the situation, then you know why. If you don't know, then I probably don't want you to know. So.

I hate that I haven't wrote about anything particular in here lately. I really don't feel like that lately. I just don't feel like talking any. I just want to take a walk and look at stars and listen to music. Oh... how I love music. mhmmm.

Goodnight, All.
Leave a comment? Heck... you don't have to. But i like them.

(iPod: Shout Out Louds, Badly Drawn Boy, Minus the Bear, Sonya Kitchell)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Here Comes Summer Beaming Through My Bedroom Window...

I have just finished cleaning my room top to bottom, wall to wall. Now, I have to go rake leaves for 2 hours. THEN I get to come in and do physchology.

Sigh. I just love spring break.

minus-- suprise visitors at work, Winnipeg, grandparents, Pacific Art Gallery, my new coat, "campfires" with friennds, Alli Alli, chrissy coming home in a day, Flunk (mhm. listenplease?), and no school.

Todays feels like sunshine. Admist the few dark clouds.

(playing: Flunk and Acceptance. thatsall... lately)
Nothing speaks louder right now then how truely blessed I am.

An abundance of letters, pictures, handmade pictures, crafts, mini books, mixtapes, poems, cards, words of encouragement, memories, awards, certicifates; etc. First it seemed like a pain... them all falling off my closet shelf and onto my floor.

I know it was for a reason. We all need be reminded sometimes how lucky we are.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

i think i want to switch to a xanga.

or a livejournal. i don't know.

Come to Think of It... may this be change?

home.

I think that this weekened was the best thing for me in a long, long time.
I've fallen short of everything I once have been. My last day at work was Thursday. And I don't care? I've fallen short in my relationship with God... not like it once was. I've completely became bored of everything that once interested me. I've lost friendships with people I was once friends with. I turned down grad escort dates, and oppertunties for after Colorado and I don't care?

Sigh. The thing is I do care. But the action in caring I have not yet grabbed ahold of. Im getting closer through... I really am.

My regrets about this weekend is that it wasen't much about Easter itself. Skipping such an important holiday like that sets itself up for a different kind of year. BUT things happened on their own. Two cousins I haven't seen in a couple of years due to a divorce, where they have refused to stop coming to see their dad (my uncle) came for an afternoon to share in their dad's birthday celebrations, as well as my Oma's (grandma) 75th.
The whole weekened we were blessed with +20s weather. Also, my aunt and uncle and cousin, Kris, in whom is a good friend and lots of fun happened to get time off and came out from Kelowna which was good. We mostly just hung around home and took lots of walks down to the river and the bridge nearby... the water is really high. On the way there we saw farms flooded, and the only escape be a speedboat or a canoe. Roads washed over and closed. It was really sad... and made me even more glad to live in the place i live, although I defnitely like to complain/ ridicule it alot. We also went to the Royal Crowne Revolving Resturant... which is kind of a tradition, but a special one. And the Forks. And i got some fabulous new Value Village shoes. And it was SO good to see my Oma and Opa since I haven't seen them since my last last Christmas. or something. And my Aunt offered a place of residence for my schooling years... Kelowna? It's alot. There is just alot to be thankful for.

This week I plan on not much. Well.. some. BUT honestly give me call or something if you bored or in need of a person to accompany you on a walk (its so nice) or for a coffee for conversation, etc.
AND Bright Eyes= here= July! Going?! I must. I will KILL for a ticket.

(on iPod: Cat Power (always), Neko Case, The Elected (I loved that concert), Minus the Bear, Acceptance, Wolf Parade, SUFJAN STEVENS)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I've Been Pushed Aside.

i really wish you could understand the way my words work. Right now everything is contemplative... right now everything is undone. I try so hard to put this all back together as it once was, but i fail. Don't you understand? I just lost everything I once was. I wish with everything I have, that that season would have changed faster.

But.. now... don't do this to me, April. Enough has been taken.




((new photos posted on http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com))

Monday, April 10, 2006

I wish i had time to waste. I wish I could say to you to come and waste my time... but the truth is, whenever you do, it's not that.
You make these days so much easier... and you don't even know.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

And I Believe Nothing Has Changed.

Sometimes I think it would hurt so much less if I was associated with no one.
I think it's too easy to be lonely.

I don't know if anything belongs to me anymore. I can't find an interest in things I used too. In anything.
Why is far away that draws me in? I don't even know how to be here anymore. I've slipped into that place through my dreams and I can't get enough of it. Because there is nothing better.

What if the thing that your supposed to settle for less is reality? How do you go back to a life (your life) and work on living again? And what if... you don't want too...
And i'm really sick of making myself (do anything. Let's just forget.)

Please. Just forget.

Monday, April 03, 2006

And I can't help but ask myself how much i'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.

... Lately i'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.

Loneliness has nothing to do with happiness or circumstances.

I'm not going to take for granted, the fact that life seems to be on track lately, but loneliess always seems to take me in and i give into it's oblivion.
I don't feel like i'll ever rid of that feeling...
And even if I could, I do not even know how. I will never be satisfied, and in saying that I sound ignorant and snobby, but it is just the way it is. Maybe I don't know how to be satisifed... I will always the one looking for something more... something better...

... But its hopeless. I'm just going to run into a wall, trying to look for something better. What is so wrong with being content? I just can't get this one down... disatisifed a friend told me I was. Well... its true. And I always have been. And there's a tiny trace of hope in me that the next place will offer more then this one has. Because... I really can't remember it ever being good.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

If your convinced of who I am...

then think again.
Because I'm a Liar, a Fake, a Mess, a Cheat and...

But Then Again,
aren't we all?