Love Dosen't Live Here Anymore. Or...

Do I let hurt, caused by someone else, define who I am and my mood?
Let it go, let it go, let it go...
He said that sometimes we need to walk away from someone who is hurting us, because sometimes that just makes them aware of the consquences of what they did. But how do I walk away...? I still got time left.
I want to be free
I don't want grudges and unforgiven situations to weigh me down, and make this road even harder. I don't want here to be a place I no longer return when I leave.
I don't want to be fearful of a look, an action, a word. I don't want to sit in the dark because the light is not safe enough.
God, how is it that you forgive me every time I do wrong? And how is that I try to do this? I don't think i can. not without you... thank you for church this morning. thank you(!!!)
It just hurts more when I see them. Or when I see something that reminds me of them. Anyone, really.
Let go.
The strength in the consquence is more overwhelming then the reasoning for the consquence itself. God, help me to forgive...

Am I making something worthwile out this place?
Am I making something worhwile out of this chase?
I am displaced.
I am displaced.

it's just a simple line, I can still hear it all the time.
If i can just hold on tonight, I know that noone will survive
No one survives...

my intention tonight was to write a really good blog entry. but intentions decieve, and my mind has lost whatever it had been holding onto. And, I got caught up on the phone for uh, 2 hours? opps!
on the stereo: "Seal Beach EP" by the Album Leaf.

* Everything is too close for comfort right now. What is it about situations that define breathing room?
I honestly have just missed "home" It was an accomplished destination. I missed the idea of it, my bed, the opperunity to spend some time alone, the people that make it, a room with a computer alone to write blogs, my other journals, my books, my pictures; etc. I missed the security of it.
Airports are only good at bringing people together. They are not good at getting people to their places, and if they do, not on time. I had a rather interesting experience. We were supposed to fly out of LA yesterday morning, 11:40 AM. They got us through security (barely on time) and we boarded the plane. We sat there for about 20 minutes, and they said it'd be another 45 minutes or so. They worked for a while, and decided that we culd leave the plane but be back at 1 pm. So we did. We sat there for a long time, they moved us through into a different gate. Waitied there, they finally announced that they were cancelling the flight, and therefore we would miss our connection from Vancouver to Saskatoon. So, everyone panicked and rushed downstairs for bags, because we could not buy new tickets, without the baggage. So my parents waited in a ticket line for over a good hour. (Waiting brings lots of new friends. It really does) We went through security, and they annouced our flight would be leaving at 6:40 pm. Then we had to go through the trouble of finding out how exactly we would get from Vancouver to Saskatoon, because there were no flights going there for a good 3 days. So we hung around at the airport, and then they were late boarding our plane. Really late. So we got out of there late, and then rushed to a ticket booth where we got tickets to Edmonton (by chance there were no shows) but we had to run through the airport, and the plane was basically waiting for us. They were late getting our plane up there because there was something on the runway. We got into Edmonton, at about 2 am and then found out that the ticket booth didn't open until 4:30am. So we took residence in a bunch of "comfy" chairs beside another gazillion people who were sleeping. I tried to fall asleep with a bunnyhug over my head, and Sigur Ros on the iPod but i didn;t much succeed. I maybe got 15 minutes? Maybe. Anyways. We luckily got some cancelled tickets to Saskatoon, and took a flight in where we arrived home at about 9:30am. I slept all day until about 4:30pm. Im tired, to say the least.
And i got a bunch of math homework to do. I really do. Im going to go do that...

i wait for my eyes to close

countdown!
mhm... ahem. keep to myself.

oh wait. wait until I get out of this crowd. Breathing is terribly hard when everything arounds you seem fine.
i don't get drama. im honestly the most opposed to it. Im just fine sitting in the corner by myself with a book, a coffee and my iPod as my best friend.
Why is it that I get so angry when someone judges something when I am just as bad?
Why is it I feel so stuck? Is it that i am ? My head hurts. My feet hurt. End of story. goodnight.

oh yeah... merry valentines day. (yep, i said that. going to bed NOW... )

:)
currently in my ears = "Dice" William Orbit/ Finley Quaye/ Beth Orton.

opps! i've lost myself. Under... society?

im convinced (at the moment) that our whole world is going to fall apart. Cali is superficial. But so is everywhere...?
there's something about this place that makes you feel really sorry for everybody. it's like a whole mass of population that is convincing themselves everyday that they have to be like every other person on the street. No indivituality needed. As long as you have the right bag, the right haircut, the right shoes, your IN. So... where is IN really? What makes trends? Why do we confine ourselves to trends, stereotypes when we can be free to be who we are. Does that really matter anymore? I'm convinced that it is full of a bunch of really beautiful, but terribly miserable (and well dressed) people.
But then I'm convinced that our world is full of really beautiful, but terribly miserable people.
But then let's get into me. I'm as guilty as anybody.
Sometimes it feel's really nice to blend in. Sometimes it feels really nice to be accepted. but is that the kind of acceptance we need? Why do we fear different?
Challenge.
Im sick of cycles. Im sick of everyday striving to be something that I will never ever be. And im sick of watching everbody else try to do it too.
it's too hard. Give yourself a break.

So. This is a cliched blog entry, but it's on my mind. really.
May your week be truely wonderful.

you mean the least, but you take the most.

approximently 14 hours until sunshine.
approximently...

tonights dark. inside and out. tonight is away but not too. tonight is unpatient for a destination. tonight hurts. planes hurt. ears, head, and nose espescially. contential whatt-ever.
Cali: 14 hours.
Home: 24 hours times um. 10 days? something like that.

Happy Valentines Day.

It's Your LIttle Red Wagon and You Gotta Pull It.

I honestly take for granted how easy life is when your not sick.
I can sit here and complain as much as I want too, but its not really going to change anything.
I mean, yes, sometimes sick is nice... get to catch up on sleep, and spend some time at home, but right now, to me it just feels like another thing to do. I honestly probably have like ten years of homework to do... including some homework from last term that i (apprently?) never handed in. Sooooo...
How easy it is go by life and not really think about it? I do it everydays. This stuff has been said before, but what is the point? I think of so many people... mainly people without God and what keeps them going? Is it to achieve popularity status by their perfect myspace friends, or they're perfect looks? Is it for success in their box jobs? Who has the biggest house? The nicest car? Is it to... just survive? Sometimes i feel like that's what life is. Surviving. But then I look around, and realize how good I have it. Yeah, things defnitely aren't perfect. There's alot of stuff people don't know that goes on with me. But as far as i'm concerened, I have a house to go to at the end of the day, I have a church full of people that will support my decisions, I have a job that earns a nice little paycheck that I can take home all to myself, to buy whatever I desire. I have more then enough friends who are wonderful in their own ways, I have a God who loves me no matter what i do. That's more then anyone could ask for. and I... have it.
I think I let alot of stuff... slide. I mean, I take the fact that I have all of this slide. I let a inncident a couple of weeks ago slide, but I guesss thats being dealt with now. Or trying to be dealt with. ANyways, all in all, I just think that I... hm... should care more? Yeah- care more.

Stars was wonderfulll. and phenuemonal. and all the other words that have those same meanings. I loved it, loved it, loved it! I love shows in general, really no matter what the music is, but to see one of your favorite bands, up close (front row baby!) It was just a really good time. I defnitely got in trouble for being home the time I did though. Oh well, it was worth it! There are lots of shows coming up. i checked out some band on myspace called, um... In Flight Safety. They're really good, and they're defnitely going to be at Louis in March. So is that battle of the bands thing... Metric soon. Stars/ Apostle of Hustle and Montag if its an all- ages show. Lovely. I love shows. (!)

Listening to lately? Alot of Anberlin, still. Because im that cool.:p. Alot of Jenny Lewis because she has a way of telling stories in music that no one else does. Except like Sufjan Stevens. And bonus, Conor Oberst and Ben Gibbard defnitely appear on that cd... Azure Ray is probably my favorite. Um.. lots more. New, everyday. It keeps me sane. I think...

anyways. This blog entry is pointlesss (as usual) but i thought i'd stop by well I did some history homework (sigh) Have a wonderful evening.