This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellingsand every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?",
I think "You're right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."
So one last touch
and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
i feel this way upon me. not of me. not really...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Are There No Shadows Where You Are?
Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are, I don't wanna be here even now. I don't wanna be by your side, If something isn't right... If something isn't right.
I don't want to be by anybodys side. Not todays.
Right now, right then I just want to go to sleep and not come back. For a while.
I think its real easy to stereotype these words as suicial and/or depressing thoughts, but I am speaking clearly and they are not.
Sometimes... I just need to be alone. And that alone not being in my room at home, not being on a walk by myself. Being alone in another world.
Sometimes thoughts of something are just overpowering. All situations have consquences. Whether those consquences being physical or mental.
Mine are mental. My minds on overdrive. Clearly.
And that really has nothing to do with... anything.
I wish we could push aside thoughts and deal with them when we had time to.
A new semester equals Biology30. Which is death. To Me. I just finished our first bio class, and it is pretty clear to me that Im not going to survive. Tests every two weeks, quizzes daily involving a whole new vocabulary of terms each day. Two huge assignments involving things that I really have no interest with. Why? I honestly should be taking physch30, but I didn't get on the ball with that one. I shouldn't be redoing my a30 course, I should be taking a language. I wish I thought ahead... more.
sigh. I feel I have a common topic on these blog entries- the future. I am looking to enhance it... I guess. AS pathetic as I am. Im not that optimistic about it right now. It just... scares me. right now. right now at 2:34 pm, in the school computer lab.
Right now I kind of scare me. Right now I realize how antisocial I have become. And not become. Hm.
I think this has been the longest entry I have ever written here at school. I blame it because of the privacy. But really... anywhere... I don't feel like I have enough. Im hiding within myself. I know that. But i have nothing to say to it. Is just the way it.is. I'm not going to justify it either.
Work tonight. Lots of homework tonight. Get over it, Brooke. It's just. life...
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are, I don't wanna be here even now. I don't wanna be by your side, If something isn't right... If something isn't right.
I don't want to be by anybodys side. Not todays.
Right now, right then I just want to go to sleep and not come back. For a while.
I think its real easy to stereotype these words as suicial and/or depressing thoughts, but I am speaking clearly and they are not.
Sometimes... I just need to be alone. And that alone not being in my room at home, not being on a walk by myself. Being alone in another world.
Sometimes thoughts of something are just overpowering. All situations have consquences. Whether those consquences being physical or mental.
Mine are mental. My minds on overdrive. Clearly.
And that really has nothing to do with... anything.
I wish we could push aside thoughts and deal with them when we had time to.
A new semester equals Biology30. Which is death. To Me. I just finished our first bio class, and it is pretty clear to me that Im not going to survive. Tests every two weeks, quizzes daily involving a whole new vocabulary of terms each day. Two huge assignments involving things that I really have no interest with. Why? I honestly should be taking physch30, but I didn't get on the ball with that one. I shouldn't be redoing my a30 course, I should be taking a language. I wish I thought ahead... more.
sigh. I feel I have a common topic on these blog entries- the future. I am looking to enhance it... I guess. AS pathetic as I am. Im not that optimistic about it right now. It just... scares me. right now. right now at 2:34 pm, in the school computer lab.
Right now I kind of scare me. Right now I realize how antisocial I have become. And not become. Hm.
I think this has been the longest entry I have ever written here at school. I blame it because of the privacy. But really... anywhere... I don't feel like I have enough. Im hiding within myself. I know that. But i have nothing to say to it. Is just the way it.is. I'm not going to justify it either.
Work tonight. Lots of homework tonight. Get over it, Brooke. It's just. life...
Friday, January 27, 2006
My World Still Turns When Your Not Around. Does It Have To be This Way?
this blog is neglected.
this homework, that homework. is neglected.
these friends have been neglected.
this God that loves me, is neglected.
by me.
now they are all:
lost lost lost lost lost...
that. is on my mind.... the only reason for this loss is: me. sometimes im determined that life is just a really bad connection. We are so preoccupied on things that we think are so big {the connection. focusing on whats said and not what isent} ... that we neglect the other things. the simple... yet so complex things. find beauty. find importance. make that... see: the beauty. the importance.
now on: im going to put 1 (or 2. or maybe three. or more...) things i appreciate about the day, no matter the mood of the blog...
today::
aa] morning! the idea of it. We completely new day, untouched. potential
bb] mailed the applications away
cc] radiohead. "the bends" blows my mind away... blows everything away. escaping to somewhere. else. Im trying to figure out where else is but it dosen't matter. its escaping. its neglecting the world... being ignorant. but only for a while.
gone now. the potential of this blog is somewhat gone now.
the potential of this night is somewhat gone. now.
on a completely different note: do this:
] read lyrics. they're mine. not mine but you know... :)
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/underoath/theyreonlychasingsafety.html#10
] watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/?v=cauOKgQidVg
] listen to this:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000002TQV/002-2197389-8305626?v=glance&n=5174
good. night...
this homework, that homework. is neglected.
these friends have been neglected.
this God that loves me, is neglected.
by me.
now they are all:
lost lost lost lost lost...
that. is on my mind.... the only reason for this loss is: me. sometimes im determined that life is just a really bad connection. We are so preoccupied on things that we think are so big {the connection. focusing on whats said and not what isent} ... that we neglect the other things. the simple... yet so complex things. find beauty. find importance. make that... see: the beauty. the importance.
now on: im going to put 1 (or 2. or maybe three. or more...) things i appreciate about the day, no matter the mood of the blog...
today::
aa] morning! the idea of it. We completely new day, untouched. potential
bb] mailed the applications away
cc] radiohead. "the bends" blows my mind away... blows everything away. escaping to somewhere. else. Im trying to figure out where else is but it dosen't matter. its escaping. its neglecting the world... being ignorant. but only for a while.
gone now. the potential of this blog is somewhat gone now.
the potential of this night is somewhat gone. now.
on a completely different note: do this:
] read lyrics. they're mine. not mine but you know... :)
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/underoath/theyreonlychasingsafety.html#10
] watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/?v=cauOKgQidVg
] listen to this:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000002TQV/002-2197389-8305626?v=glance&n=5174
good. night...
Saturday, January 21, 2006
It Keeps Me Listening For Your Voice Around Each Corner...
The thing is, I've figured out a bit of my sleeping problems.
and it's... music.
It keeps me up at night! I convince myself that I can't sleep until I listen to this one song... and then theres another song... and another... and before I know it, the night is almost gone.
:).
I don't know how i've grown such a love to music, when I pretty much poscess(sp) no talent whatsoever at music. I mean I sing a bit... in some choirs, and groups and teams and stuff but it's not something that overpowers alot of my other priorities.
And i've almost convinced myself to go out and buy an new iPod when I know I shoudln't. The money needs to be for next year. Next year, next year, next year (sigh)
I like to say im a music fan, but so does everybody else. Does music move you enough that sometimes it steers emotions or memories that you've put away for so long? does it make the buisness and everything else going on in a room seem invisible? Does it bring out emotions that you wish you didn't feel? Does it bring out emotions you wish you did feel? Do you appreciate all kinds of music because simply that person is doing their own way of showing emotion through what they feel is theirs? hm... thats al i have to say. music... sigh...
Last night a couple of friends and I went to a show featuring some local and not so local bands: A Ghost Cried Murder (hardcore/ metal) sleepinggirl (indie/ accoustic rock) These Hands (experimental/ folk rock) and Julia. which was just her and her piano. overall, the show was really good and defnitely worth my $6, espescially these hands. they were aboustely phenuemonal... i don't think im going to get over that... im not much into metal, but a Ghost Cried Murder was good. i more appreciate then go all out hardcore, but it the guys were excited. ha... so that was nice. Julia was nice. She's really good. Sleepinggirl's music had me in, but not so much the singer. yay for Starbucks, though. I think I need to get another job...
Thinking about the career field I have chosen, and where it has me taking me I think about is it where I want to be? Id defnitely like to have to do something with music. But i wouldn't want to be a stylist. I believe musicians should have their own style, that's just a part of who they are and what there music represents. them. What i'd like to do more so then anything else is create my own magazine. tons of interviews. tons of reviews. and no not on any given celebrity, or a musician who every other magazine on the rack is featuring. Musicians that mean something, their music does. Music that moves me. Moves you. People that make a difference. People who are giving more of themself to others.... and book reviews. because im a dork. and a bit of fashion, because im also a dork for this sore reason, I stay up late loathing over clothes... i need to get over that one.
this has been a long blog. i haven't so in a long time... and the thing is it wasen't really much about anything...
anyways. have a good day okay?!
and it's... music.
It keeps me up at night! I convince myself that I can't sleep until I listen to this one song... and then theres another song... and another... and before I know it, the night is almost gone.
:).
I don't know how i've grown such a love to music, when I pretty much poscess(sp) no talent whatsoever at music. I mean I sing a bit... in some choirs, and groups and teams and stuff but it's not something that overpowers alot of my other priorities.
And i've almost convinced myself to go out and buy an new iPod when I know I shoudln't. The money needs to be for next year. Next year, next year, next year (sigh)
I like to say im a music fan, but so does everybody else. Does music move you enough that sometimes it steers emotions or memories that you've put away for so long? does it make the buisness and everything else going on in a room seem invisible? Does it bring out emotions that you wish you didn't feel? Does it bring out emotions you wish you did feel? Do you appreciate all kinds of music because simply that person is doing their own way of showing emotion through what they feel is theirs? hm... thats al i have to say. music... sigh...
Last night a couple of friends and I went to a show featuring some local and not so local bands: A Ghost Cried Murder (hardcore/ metal) sleepinggirl (indie/ accoustic rock) These Hands (experimental/ folk rock) and Julia. which was just her and her piano. overall, the show was really good and defnitely worth my $6, espescially these hands. they were aboustely phenuemonal... i don't think im going to get over that... im not much into metal, but a Ghost Cried Murder was good. i more appreciate then go all out hardcore, but it the guys were excited. ha... so that was nice. Julia was nice. She's really good. Sleepinggirl's music had me in, but not so much the singer. yay for Starbucks, though. I think I need to get another job...
Thinking about the career field I have chosen, and where it has me taking me I think about is it where I want to be? Id defnitely like to have to do something with music. But i wouldn't want to be a stylist. I believe musicians should have their own style, that's just a part of who they are and what there music represents. them. What i'd like to do more so then anything else is create my own magazine. tons of interviews. tons of reviews. and no not on any given celebrity, or a musician who every other magazine on the rack is featuring. Musicians that mean something, their music does. Music that moves me. Moves you. People that make a difference. People who are giving more of themself to others.... and book reviews. because im a dork. and a bit of fashion, because im also a dork for this sore reason, I stay up late loathing over clothes... i need to get over that one.
this has been a long blog. i haven't so in a long time... and the thing is it wasen't really much about anything...
anyways. have a good day okay?!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Just Walk Away. Wait... I just can't. Walk away from this...
this is...
my night. It's the Fray and sad songs. and old flowers. And lamp light only. And... loneliness?
See, heres the problem. You are there and I am just here.
And the problem is: that I'm the problem.
Because: im here. and im not doing anything to get. there.
and.
I just don't know...
please.
get me back home?
i miss it.
i just miss you,
Jesus.
and this night is trying to make things right. And this night is wishing i was making things right. and this night is... almost gone.
and this night is... wasted. on me.
--------------------------------
Let's rearrangeI wish you were a stranger I could disengage,
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along,
But that's disregard...
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above,
as the canyon comes between...
This is for you, Bryce.
Im sick of arguements.
I know you read all of it, and I'm sorry...
And, well you did drive me to Chrissys at lunch... :)
Monday, January 16, 2006
See, God... I Don't Know If Im Just Speaking Too Quiet. Or Too Loud...?
With a unfinished histiography taking residence beside me, wet hair in which is most uncomfortable to go to bed with, and stacks of a) clean clothes and b) books. essay books. surronding me, I can't help but feel:
a) exhasuted
b) worried
c) stressed out.
d) lazy
A unfinished histiography. A unfinished histiography and it's 12:42 am. I got school, an appointment and plans in the evening. And im blogging...?
And how much sleep did I get last night? uh. 4-5 hours?
And God... he's here admist these piles. Promise... I asked him so.
But...
Why?
Im a mess. so is my room. My mind. And priorties.... they're a mess too.
Im just so far behind thse days. And I don't how to get back... unless...
Is it alright if I ask you for help, Lord?
Can i give you this much?
Brooke: can you give this much... up?
Brooke: can you give this much up to a reciever that seems so distant... these days...
Brooke: are you worth it?
I think he says... yes? I think I say... yes?
a) exhasuted
b) worried
c) stressed out.
d) lazy
A unfinished histiography. A unfinished histiography and it's 12:42 am. I got school, an appointment and plans in the evening. And im blogging...?
And how much sleep did I get last night? uh. 4-5 hours?
And God... he's here admist these piles. Promise... I asked him so.
But...
Why?
Im a mess. so is my room. My mind. And priorties.... they're a mess too.
Im just so far behind thse days. And I don't how to get back... unless...
Is it alright if I ask you for help, Lord?
Can i give you this much?
Brooke: can you give this much... up?
Brooke: can you give this much up to a reciever that seems so distant... these days...
Brooke: are you worth it?
I think he says... yes? I think I say... yes?
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
This Empty Room Won't Make Anything Right.
People. Just get the best out of me...
So many different kinds of people... and a certain kind, maybe a certain person has got to me.
Where have you got your narrow mind? What is it in you that makes you feel like you know aboustely everything...? Where is it that you think you have the awnsers about everyone, when you base your knowledge on something you've heard from someone else. You don't know me.... you don't know her... you know us but you don't really know us. Different things are right for different people, and if your going to judge us under your standards then do. But don't make a big deal out of it.
And what it is it with you and stereotypes? And have you ever gotten the idea to your mind, that no, we don't need your matchmaking service, and when we tell you something, we'd like it to stay told to you and not the rest of the world. And humiliuation... has that ever happened to you? Because your slightly good at letting everybody else feel that every time something comes out of your mouth.
I just wish a) people wouldn't judge based on something as confining and self demeaning as stereotypes. b) I could trust people. this is exactly why I don't. c) you wouldn't think you know absoutely everything. You don't. Don't even...
Im slightly done my rant.
This friday was a good one. Breakfast, sleeping in... two classes. Lunch date with Alli. Afternoon off. Graham and Zach over... nice signs. Nice conversation over zach's music. niiice. Mini mini mini pool tournaments. arguing.... the thought of getting up early tomorrow morning...
I got a essay due on Tuesday. So scared...
good night.
So many different kinds of people... and a certain kind, maybe a certain person has got to me.
Where have you got your narrow mind? What is it in you that makes you feel like you know aboustely everything...? Where is it that you think you have the awnsers about everyone, when you base your knowledge on something you've heard from someone else. You don't know me.... you don't know her... you know us but you don't really know us. Different things are right for different people, and if your going to judge us under your standards then do. But don't make a big deal out of it.
And what it is it with you and stereotypes? And have you ever gotten the idea to your mind, that no, we don't need your matchmaking service, and when we tell you something, we'd like it to stay told to you and not the rest of the world. And humiliuation... has that ever happened to you? Because your slightly good at letting everybody else feel that every time something comes out of your mouth.
I just wish a) people wouldn't judge based on something as confining and self demeaning as stereotypes. b) I could trust people. this is exactly why I don't. c) you wouldn't think you know absoutely everything. You don't. Don't even...
Im slightly done my rant.
This friday was a good one. Breakfast, sleeping in... two classes. Lunch date with Alli. Afternoon off. Graham and Zach over... nice signs. Nice conversation over zach's music. niiice. Mini mini mini pool tournaments. arguing.... the thought of getting up early tomorrow morning...
I got a essay due on Tuesday. So scared...
good night.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I Ask "Why You Do These Things That You Do?" He Says "I Do Them For You."
Something that will leave me forever tripping over my own feet and confused, is: Jesus.
I don't get how any one can withstand the ignorance, just all the ways that I can possibly disapoint them I do this to him... to my friend, to my best friend...
I screw up. So much... every day.. it seems so every minute. Lately, it feels like I can't disapoint him any more then I already have, like I've done everything on the list. Lately, it seems as if I have been even more ungrateful for life and the things that he gives me, him handing them over to me without a second thought...
Who can be a better friend then him? Remember that hymn? The words to that music are more so true then anything else I have heard lately. Truth I starve for.
My Mission: To become this friend. Not only (but most importantly) to Jesus but to everyone that is in my life right now. They (all) deserve a little more recognition for the beautiful person they are, and are to me espescially. thank you: all. xo to you. each.
I don't get how any one can withstand the ignorance, just all the ways that I can possibly disapoint them I do this to him... to my friend, to my best friend...
I screw up. So much... every day.. it seems so every minute. Lately, it feels like I can't disapoint him any more then I already have, like I've done everything on the list. Lately, it seems as if I have been even more ungrateful for life and the things that he gives me, him handing them over to me without a second thought...
Who can be a better friend then him? Remember that hymn? The words to that music are more so true then anything else I have heard lately. Truth I starve for.
My Mission: To become this friend. Not only (but most importantly) to Jesus but to everyone that is in my life right now. They (all) deserve a little more recognition for the beautiful person they are, and are to me espescially. thank you: all. xo to you. each.
Monday, January 09, 2006
So Simple In The Moonlight...
i don't know how i've gotten "out" of blogging on here. I don't know how i've gotten "out" of my thoughts. I've always been the one for emotion: true and raw... although I think the only person i've been fooling lately is myself. (I've got it bad.)
I was sitting on the bus todays, crouched down by the window with bright eyes "lua" on and my hood pulled right over my hair and I realized somewhat how pathetic i really am. I've kind of have been on fast forward alot lately, and convcing everyone that i am okay, that i am cool with the way things are. i've got it good. but i... me... has got it bad. (because what is so easy in the evening, in the morning is such a drag). every day... (and if you promise to stay conscious i will try to do the same.) promise.
and smiling... what is that? im trying.... oh so much. so much. I like life. I have lots. But i don't really... like it. why? and why are good days (like todays. monday didn't get me) but somehow... i always end up in: this.
and what is: this? i don't know. it's janurary. its november mostly. its feburary and sometimes march and april. and sometimes september and sometimes... its good at taking me over. its good at making everything else: numb. its good at making me very unattractive person. in all ways.
so if you guys are holding out for the truth now: then this is it... this is the way i am. i don't why, or how... its just: me. (im not sure what all this trouble is, that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did)
to end this in maybe somewhat a happy note im posting pictures (if this thing lets me) of a beautiful sunrise i saw this morning (up above). oh so beautiful...
x.
(bright eyes- lua)
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Today. Is just Today.
so... my blog has been pushed aside and what has taken place for it?
absoutely nothing.
i sure dont know what i've spent my tme doing lately... i sure don't know what is... going on. with me. anymore.
i feel i've gotten really good at pertending. Pertending that I am okay with something when inside all I want to do is scream and yell "no!" and...
i don't. ever. i jus don't show people how i am with things anymore... theres this line to a song i really like (the rocket summer "around the clock") and he's just "Im not into the idea of being without you... im not into the idea of living without you" i thinkthat's the best love song lyrics i've heard in.. a really long time. I like how he's determined. I wish I was...
a good friend of mine and me were talking last night on the way for chinease. and talking about our biggest struggles, and among them, among mine is doubt. I don't know whether it is my time of life that brings upon these thoughts or particular circumstances. I just am doubting alot. what, you ask? everything... really.
and complaining i sound like i am. i'm not. today was good... and these days have been good. Its weird to look inside of yourself and see who you are during all of this.
So blogging, I did tonight. But i really got nothing done... maybe i'll try again tomorrow...
absoutely nothing.
i sure dont know what i've spent my tme doing lately... i sure don't know what is... going on. with me. anymore.
i feel i've gotten really good at pertending. Pertending that I am okay with something when inside all I want to do is scream and yell "no!" and...
i don't. ever. i jus don't show people how i am with things anymore... theres this line to a song i really like (the rocket summer "around the clock") and he's just "Im not into the idea of being without you... im not into the idea of living without you" i thinkthat's the best love song lyrics i've heard in.. a really long time. I like how he's determined. I wish I was...
a good friend of mine and me were talking last night on the way for chinease. and talking about our biggest struggles, and among them, among mine is doubt. I don't know whether it is my time of life that brings upon these thoughts or particular circumstances. I just am doubting alot. what, you ask? everything... really.
and complaining i sound like i am. i'm not. today was good... and these days have been good. Its weird to look inside of yourself and see who you are during all of this.
So blogging, I did tonight. But i really got nothing done... maybe i'll try again tomorrow...
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