Its like the vcr is broken and its on fast forward and I can't push pause. My mind is ten million different places, and im tired. Just really tired.
Its like the brakes are broken on my car, and I can't stop and get the map out and figure out where im going. Im just really undecided.

Let me know when my version of reality decides to put itself back together.

I desire acknowledgment.
To not have to know how to act, instead of react.

How can such an obvious mistake be made by two indivituals?
Im thinking about turning my face away, my name away. It'll be easy to forget.

Big bottle of water. Empty stomach. Cold coffee. Too much cold coffee. Crave it. A couple of paragraphs that I cannot concentrate on. Close it. In the car. Red light. Close your eyes. Rest your head against the seat. Green light. Speed. Danger. Close your eyes a little. Snap them back open. Watch it spin before you. Without you.
Say the right things. Make the right move. Anything to feel less lonely.
Something to satisfy. A look in the mirror. Get rid of it. Over and over again.
Wake up. Spend too much time getting ready for the world. Be on time. Do your job. Look good doing it. Make a call. Meet expectations. Always left wondering if you met them. Say goodnight. Take your day off.
And lie in bed wondering what it is that your doing. What you have to call your own at the end of the day. What you have to put in place of an excuse for why. Why do you keep getting out of your bed in the morning?

She leaves before they even have time to turn around and look at all the feelings that come forth from what has happened.
She leaves before they even have a chance to see past all that emotional weakness into the person she really is.
She leaves before they even have a chance to see that who she is, has nothing to do with who they are, and it was her fault.

And she still walk away and portray herself (behind those big black sunglasses) that she cares none of what she has destroyed.


Meanwhile, where you might forget, I won't.

I write on the basis of loneliness.


Car window; train tracks, passing cars, lonesome populations, and its canvas... the sky stretching past and beyond all comprehension.
Look twice and see the person beyond. The lady who's only fufillment comes in the salary she recieves mounthly. The little boy who has seen neglect before he was old enough to comprehend what it meant. The couple who has lost the love that once sat between them, not enough strength left to endure through it.

I look and I find so many people who probably concieve hope to be nonexistent. I get so frustrated with myself so much of the time that I hold the definiton in my hands, and in my heart but do not share more. I yearn to take that bluriness sitting between them and... life. I yearn and I take no action, because I am only beginning to figure this all out. Its hard to figure something like that out when every inch of this life seems to be dealing with despair.
I've come to find a lot of darkness lurking around not only the shadows, but on the open road.

Life has landed, fallen, came out of its hiding place.
I define life in so many ways, until now, now its fallen. Its came to place, a definiton where I do not determine my favor.

My tired eyes, and lonely heart, and... indirection.
I have no idea where Im going these days, whereas...
in past it would have been the end of me.

I drown myself in memories, and hide the reality of me behind a coffee cup. I read books to stray away company. I don't return calls to keep the idea of trusting... out. But I never pick up my pen or my paintbrush anymore.
Just read the magazines.

I know its easy to doubt yourself, your confidence, and espescially your potential. But now I think its at a time where I know where I am, or adleast I think I do, and because of this, I reject. Myself and others. But then I also chose to believe that we are always ten steps behind ourselves. Or I am adleast.
Of the first months of this school year, I felt that I had gotten ahead. Gotten ahead of where I wanted to be, maybe. In a night, and another like it, I realized that the only thing that had moved ahead was the pages on my calender. I had not changed, grown, stretched or stepped ahead. I had fallen back to a familiar place, a place where choosing darkness was just... easier. I thought I had gotten past "easier" Don't you feel that the idea of picking another choice rather then the one that is "easier" just feels like it is growth?
But. Its funny because I never have picked the hard way, before.

I've been looking alot at stuff of the past. The ultimate theme was being broken down until there was none of me left. And i've realized the significance, I could not exist the way I do today without that breaking time. Without that time where life seemed like it had no end, and everything seemed grey and I just wanted nothing but to disappear.
I don't mean to say that I'm over it. There are times when life seems grey, when I want to put an end to something that seems like it will go on forever, when I want to disappear. I get it alot, lately. But I understand that it comes with the season. And that, it will pass. And theres something that shines its light down on me (even if its dim sometimes) to find my way in the dark... God.
I want to so much, pursue a life thats anything thats worthy to Him, but I fail, again and again. It seems like all I do is fail lately.
Tomorrow im returning to a place where people don't fail. I don't think I'm ready.

I was suprised by my intentions- lonely, vulenrable, sullen-- desperate. My intentions laced with the glimmer of my bare arm with the moonlights attention, or the lipstick i wore. Small steps and big hopes. A glance there, a wave here, but none of that put brakes upon my destination. A steady but graceful pace, that had never gotten me anywhere before, until now. The dimmness of the moon had escaped and there it was- Bright and romantic and stood with protection and trust, and I realized that it had me there. And that was all.


Push Rewind...

Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep. don't make promises you can't keep. Don't make promises you can't keep. DONT MAKE PROMISES YOU CANT KEEP... It echoes in my head with disapointment and grief. Over and over again.
It's real easy to let another thing slip and fall beyond your reach. After a while, you don't reach for anything because your sick of trying and you just let it fall.
That what has has done to me. Towards me. Forever.


"i'd rather give the world away, then wake up lonely..."