How Do You Keep Love Alive?

Say maybe, you're going to be the one that saves me.

I was trying to do the english, but I got sidetracked with my thoughts, so I am blogging...
What risk we put in relationships .... How do we find ourselves relying on love to find us happiness? To keep that constant, happiness. And when it ends... what are we supposed to do with that sorrow? Are we to find another one to fill that empty space? What if there is no one. What if there is heartache when you find another. What if you find another and are attracted to the person, and when your with them it's fun and good but they're not like something... else. It's not, "Wow, it hurts to be without you" How do we cross that line, find ourself, from friends to... more. I know these relationships were supposed to be based on friends, but what if you can't just be friends with the person... then what will you do? What if it hurts to even talk to the person because you know it'll never be the same? What is life even for? (I mean... if you are not a Christian) Why do you go on each and every day and not have something to really look forward to? Is that what they base life on? Falling in love, then falling out of love, and in again... I mean, there's love, but love is... that love is, worldly. It's not meant to last. Do we try something out, but knowing that it's not what you want? Does it grow...? Is trying worth it, or are we to wait? I am. Tonight I am... not myself. I am pondering thoughts that I usually pick not too. It's hard to believe in love, such a thing when the relationships in your life are not based like that. It's hard to believe that there is someone out there... not for everybody, but someone you are meant to be with, for... life. Does love find itself again? Does it have to do with time? Are there times in your life when you're not meant to be with that person, but other times you are? Oh. I sound pathetic tonight, i'm sorry.
I am confused. At where I am and where I want to be. This is hard, really hard. and i'm finding it hard to ask God for help with this one, because i'm scared he'll give me the awnser I think he'll give.
Anyways. I am going to go now, because my thoughts in writing make me sound like a 13 year old.

I'm letting it go. Going to tear it apart, go back to the start. Pull the strings in my heart, little heart. Going to build it right back, to a castle not a shack. With a sun across my back. Are you ready?
Stay with your lady... just come back and save me. So slow with me, honey. Oh, how sweet, how sweet life could be. Time falls like snow, on the tip of my tongue, when it's gone.. it's gone. Where did you go? Did you tear it apart? Now you're back at the start. Now there is nothing here left, of my broken heart. So.
What does it mean to be this sad? When someone you love is supposed to keep you happy. How do you keep love alive?

The Beauty In Joy.

Current mood: Happy
Current thoughts: Why? and... Why Not?

A little bit of coffee in the morning. A little bit of Imogen Heap, and maybe Mae. A little bit of more sleeping in instead of getting ready. A little bit of looking outside instead of in the mirror. A little bit of sun shining through instead of the curtains closed when you get up.
Something like that. I don't really know. All I know is that i am happy, and the true kind of happy. Ha. A little weird todays, maybe. I Don't know... maybe it's overtiredness. Not sure. Anyways.
The only thing I really want right now is a camera. Anyone will do. Just... I want to see things in a different light, todays... through different eyes then my own. I think we all need that sometimes.
Hm. So: my weekend: was overall pretty good. Friday... was the last time I wrote? Oh yes. Sabines. So that was quite interesting... kinda neat to see some people from camp and BBI there, although Angie was missing from that crowd.. :(. So it turned out to be 11 guys and me out for coffee, which was quite interesting and not interesting at all, if you know what I mean. Um. Yeah... and then the majority of the guys and Kate came over. And Kate and I made invitations (that is right.. that was fun) and I kept my promise, and I didn't let anyone watch movies/ tv. But i let them play Xbox. Ha. Or Operation. Or Air Hockey... man, that sucked. Daniel I was leading for forever... and you ruined it! Opps: Bryce and Jared, I have your sweatshirts here. Kinda forgot about that.. i'll bring them to you tomorrow or maybe todays when we go for coffee... or did Nate call you? 3:30. Uh... yeah. Saturday morning I hung around and did some chores... oh wait! Gosh i have english homework... just remembered! better get on that! ha.. Sautrday afternoon I went to band practice with the guys, critiqued the music, took some pictures... then we all went out for coffee, and that was good. Work With Alex. Slowest night ever. We went to Dalmey to her friend Lance's house to some "Pre- Preview of their band, No Innocent Blood" Almost hit a person on the way there... lol Alex. Um. Found his house. I was overall impressed with the music, although i'm not sure where my votes go yet. It was actually pretty sweet, met some new people and some old people. Ha. Then in S'toon we hit this red light... and it didn't change for like, 5 minutes (not joking) and Evan and Zach were running around outside, that was funny.Alex and I ate some toast and cereal back at her house, and listened to some Emery and Sigur Ros... my sleep was decent. Got ready for church in the mornin, Imogen Heap and Copeland, and coffee of course. Then Church. Which was actually quite funny. Some little kid was making funny faces and Joel started laughing and he had to leave, which made Andy and I laugh harder. Alex was drawing some cute cartoons, and the pastor made a joke about my current relationship, so if not the whole world knows already, my church all knows now. Wonderful. Andy and I wrote notes, and I came home. And look! My family is home! Lol I was kind of happy to see them, have to say. But now, I am sorry for blogging about not very interesting things. But I need to go do english, and then coffee! So. Have a good day all, I mean it.
Love.

Listening to: Copeland "Coffee", "Don't I Hold You" Wheat

5:30 Thoughts

I am: Cold. And for some reason... tired. It's as if everytime I go to sleep, to dream, I am disapointed. As if sleeping isen't enough anymore. Like slowing down is necessary... I don't know. I hate the thought that I will have to go on medication to sleep, But i just don't know anymore. I lie in bed for so many hours, wishing that I would be asleep. But it dosen't happen. And then the next day is 10 times more hard.
I have decided that this blogging thing is rather pointless. I mean, who cares enough to read like 5 minutes of random thoughts about me and my bleak life? Oh well. It feels better. Like my journal does. But my journal hasen't been used much for thoughts lately. I hate getting behind with that thing... all that seems to come out of my head into that thing is poems. And, wow. I am not good at that... how i wish i was. Because, "realtiy is privy" and love is reality and .... ;etc
I went and worked for Rhonda todays, 1-5. It was a rather interesting shift, long and quite boring. I scrubbed pans for an hour, which reminded me of good old camp. Getting out of there to go the bank and the mail for faith cleared my head a little, the computer seemed to be acting dumb and the people that came in bothered me. Ha. Ivy let me go home early, so that was sweet. I am home now, yes.
I heard a country song todays... "Good Life" or something like that, by Brad Johnner. I don't know what it was called. But the lyrics were good. Of course, real simple like any other country song. But i don't know... it made me think a little more about what I have and the things that I want, and it's pointless. I have a good life. And still I complain. I don't get it. I don't get me, sometimes.
It's funny because someone I have come to realize who some of the people in my life are. Now. Or somewhat. I mean, you can never know a person of that kind of relationship to that kind of extent, but I think i'm getting it. and im glad, it made me realize some things about myself as well.
Aw. the girls are gone this weekend for volleyball, leaves me rather sorta lonely.. but not really. It's guy's company this weekend. Sabines tonight, Curtis Braun covering Jack Johnson. That's pretty sweet. Tomorrow I am taking the pictures, instead of todays. My family is in Edmonton, and my Mom just called to ask me what I wanted from Urban Outiftters.. that made me smile. Don't know about tomorrow... really. I am undecided. I'm not sure where to draw the line, I guess. Ha. that was vague. But that's just me.
So. I think that is all i can think of right now. Except, call me if you would like. That's all.

W hen they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Steal my records
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When youre walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Steal my records
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish youd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe youll rest sometime
I wish I could...

- Ryan Adams, Come Pick Me Up

Strangers.

Oh. What comfort there is in... strangers.
What beauty there is in... in a stranger. How i long sometimes to be in that crowd of people, once again, no one knowing my name, no one knowing me... the mistakes i've made, the decisions that i have made, my flaws, the scars... The scars.
I feel so inclosed sometimes. I feel like... everyone is watching me, crowding me into an opinion of who they think I am... or who they thought I was. I can't help it. I can't help everybodys opinons, I can't help there judgement... I Can just help... myself. And the thought of getting out of here helps me breathe again.
Did you ever walk down the street and someone caught your eye? Not, maybe someone of the opposite sex but of someone that you felt for. Immediately. Like you could relate to them, like their own flaws were of your own? If you could just take that chance, go talk to them... that you're life would be altered forever? But you don't, because you are afraid. Of what they will think of you, although the beauty in it is that they know nothing of you, pre-concieved gossip and rumors... I've made that mistake. Too many times.
Strangers. To be explored. There is a whole world of people, and these years of living in this is not the end. But the beginning. It is the beginning of something... new. There is a whole world to be explored... strangers to be met... an infinite abyss (yes. it is garden state) And this is my adventure.
Alli and I had our own adventure (off roading.. yess) to Shekinah todays. When you see scenery like that you remember it why you continue, each and day. The picture is something she took herself, so kudos to her (yeah i didn't even ask permission.. silly me. she sent it though) I guess my life changed once again.... as of yesterday. It's funny. Chances people take. That that one sentence could alter your life so dramatically, but I guess that's how it goes. And I guess I let go. And now it is something... new. So. Wow.
It is the weekend once again... and that fact is beautiful. I got my stuff from the Art Institute todays and I spent second class spare at Sabines with my tall- medium- roast coffee-with- one packet of sugar, looking over it. Nicki told me that a friend of her's had just graduated from there so that is kinda neat.
Our Worship night was tonight. I think it went okay... i was actually impressed with us. For Amber suddenly taking up electric on the first song, Nathan drums, Evan solo, Alistar electric, and Derek Bass.. lol, that is way to change it up. It went really fast though. Wow. The kids were... well normal Junior high kids, but i'm sure it'll improve by each time we do it. My vocals could have been more smoother, and I blew some of my alto parts.. but hey. That's life.
I think I am going to leave though... this whole not watching tv/ movies as week (because I promised Ed) kind of drives me crazy on nights like this where there is nothing else. Although.. my parents will be gone onfriday again and i'll have the house to myself. So maybe I can do more socializing then movie watching. Ha. We're going to Josh Braun covering Jack Johnson on Friday. And Andy and I might be taking a trip to the library/ dress shopping and chinease food on friday. So. I am good. Today was good.
God Bless.

Things I Am Going To Miss

I think this has been the best day of school in the history of well, best days at school...? :).
This has been good... these past 2 days. The helped me figure things out a little, figured out what the future may hold... am I in? I think yes.
How was inner-city, you ask? Amazing! It was so awesome to be back there... it was cool to see the kids even remember me after how many months of me being gone... Stella and Morgan crowded around me... and Becca, the cutest 5 year old ever came and sat down on my lap. She is my favorite... lol, you should see her when you tickle her. I was tickling her on the bus, on her stomache and she would scream when she laughed... it was so cute. Oh, and she's going to draw me a picture of clouds.. I am so stoked for that. Stella wrapped up in my jacket right always and gosh, it was sad. She was telling me about her Mom and I don't know... that's when reality hits. That's when you realize what home these kids come from, the families, the area they live in... and then here I am. Wow. But The best part is taking the kids home on the bus, defnitely. Um. Yeah... I went home, made Jas and Matt some pizza. Chrissy and Ashten came over, lol! Funniest prank call ever (no worries Nate... or alli!) and then Beth joined us. A movie not to watch... house of Wax, although it was kinda funny to see Ashten squirm after, and Chrissy try to scare her.
So... for todays. First, was English. It twas okay, although we only sold two yearbooks.. that was defnitely not cool. but hey! Michael is going to help us tomorrow. :). Oh and Joel (the Foth one.. my little brother :) ) gave me the best gingersnap cookie ever. Um. Oh! second class spare. We headed over to Sabines and Nicki made me the best Carmel Mochiatto I have ever tasted (im serious- better then Starbucks) I think that is pretty much the coolest part about Waldheim. Other then Merchants. If you lie in the middle of the baseball field, you can see the stars perfectly... and the sky just stretches on forever... it's beautiful. Everything just seems more real... there. At night.
Oh! so i decided im going to make a list of things that I like about Waldheim: (a brief one)
- The lack of people in our school. Everyone knowing your name... and getting away with too much, with the teachers
- Sabines Coffee Shop.
- The store. Since working there, you get to memorize everybodys phone numbers and everything about everyone! LOl and being part of "that family"
- Merchants. Golfing backwards and fakely with Brittani, all those nights of lying there looking at the stars, turning on the stadium lights and running away, fireworks, magic flowers, roof climbing the clubhouse... cuz it's way too easy.
- Rolf climbing. Salem is the best... you can see everything. Dan, I miss you and you're intensity. So much for our plan to go serious roof climbing this summer.
- The graveyard. Brings back fond memories of grade 10.
- The bunkhouse. Man, Andy... those were the days! Or not the days. :). ha: Bryce and the Swiss Family Robinson, walks in the rain, Lily, bonfires... and the guys dancing around them, chasing Jay and Chris.
- All my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you.
- When something like a new stop sign can get as this excited
- Stealing costumes from the figure skating room at the areana.
- It's so small you can call a person's name across town and you'll get a hold of em (Or Chad can) Logan: "Guys! I hear voices!"
- Grad night. Actually. Open houses, and late night parties. Waskeisu for the weekend. Sad though :(
- The fact that co-ed sleepovers weren't a problem until last year. ha.
- Sports. In being a provincial champion, you get regonized for the next 6 months!
- Only in Waldheim do you call your teachers up in the Summer time, get invited over there for movies and bonfires
- The arcade was pretty cool. When it closed, and we went there and played pool.
So. I am not finished. Well, I am. For now.

Third class was history. Lol. That was sure a funny class... Andy, Chad and I, love you both. Oh! and a 91% on my history test... kinda sweet. I got full marks on my long awnser, and my essay almost did. Kinda blew the multiple choice, but meh. lunch was good... hanging with Kate, and my new vogue. yess. Art was fun, of course. Then spare. Which was okay... kinda lonely. but guess what?! takin the creative writing class through correspondence.. as of tomorrow. So that is defnitely good news! We had worship practice... didn't go over as well as it should have, so that kinda sucked since our Worship Night is wed. Hm. Oh well. I'm sure God we'll help us with that one. So im home now... im going to work on my sketchbook tonight and clean my room.. i've let that go to far. So! You guys have a good night, k?!

The Becoming.

Before reading this... read the post before it. It makes more sense...

Things have never made more sense. This had only been a chapter of my life... this is the start of something new, something fresh, a beginning... and all it is is beautiful. So, let's just say.. i've pertended that things are okay these past few weeks. And now it has caught up to me. This is the breakdown.
The story of life is quicker then a blink of an eye. Love is hello and goodbye... until we meet again...
I don't want to hold things inside anymore. "In lies we can never be what we wanted to be... in truth we are bound to limitations. We are limited birds... and I am in my becoming" I am sick of living in a lie. I am sick of people not knowing "me" what is real, what is true... the raw stuff. So. this is my beginning... this is my chapter. I am ready.

( All my thanks goes to Logan tonight. He helped me sort through my mess and offered only words of wisdom, of that he always does. He said something to me tonight that made even more sense, and although I don't have his permisson i am going to post it:
"you dont understand how important this conversation and you are too me, we are a rarity, when something this honest and real can happen i feel a bit more excited for the next day. im not one too get all that excited, but understanding the beauty of this conversation makes me joyous." and he left with "This is fate. This is the way it is supposed to be."
I am ever thankful for what a great friend he truely his. He is the kind of guy that changes your life with just a word. That is what I miss in him. )

Just One Of Those Nights.

what i am feeling tonight:
- Lonely (my family is all gone)
- Cold (shaking cold)
- Left out (.. thanks Bryce! friends since when? Just because you've been stalking me all week for that one reply and I still haven't told you dosen't mean I hate you! :) )

in need of:
- inspiration
- company
- proper food
- a hug
- probably sleep... and maybe a good cry

so. I finally gave in. I got myself a myspace -- lol. I told myself I never would, but the idea of those thing's are way to fun (add me! myspace.com/beautifulbreakdown_) that is, when i get everything figured out. but this is my blog... i hate the fact that i have 3 of em now. lol.
but Life is sure different lately. It always take this kind of turn at this time of year. I don't really know why. but it's depressing, in a way. I get flashbacks of grade 10's november, that one particular night and it makes me cringe. How could I ever be that far deep? How?
Metric is done. I don't really have money for it anyways, so it's good. I'm still hoping in the back of my mind that someone will want to accompany me and still go but. ha. I was trying to think of someone but I realli couldn't... Metric. hm...
ha. this sounds weird but I really, really want to cry. I hate it. I'm the person that hates to cry, as if i'm giving in. That's what it's like for me. So i've held all thesse feelings lately back and i'm just waiting for the breakdown. Just waiting...
I think that maybe this is what maybe God is showing me. This is nothingness, because he wants me to slow down. He wants me to slow down and maybe listen to him and what he wants for me... Maybe?
Sorry if this thing is depressing, I don't want to come across as that. Just... it's one of those nights. you know?
It's kinda cool to see the people that have just popped up on msn and started talking... A Thank-You to the people, my friends, that are so precious to me. You guy's are the sunshine in my life. I mean it.
I guess I am looking forward to tomorrow... a new day, new oppertunites, new people... and we get to go to Innercity (Chrissy, Joel, Justin, youth pastor- justin so that should be fun in itself) I've really missed those kids.
But guys. Honestly, if you are lonely... really, really feel free to call me up to talk, or go out for coffee, or take a walk.. anything. I am SO up for it. k? I might even be as selfish to say that I need it. :).
So. leave me a comment if ya want. I am going to... well.... do more nothing. or...
Love.

listening to tonight:
- Damien Rice
- accoustic Death Cab
- Trespassers William (esp. "Love You More" and "Different Stars")

Lost.

I am so excited about telling you about are a little adventure down 20th. (lol darned people who gave me directions... :) ) So. Left at the Mcdonalds started our journey to the unknown. So. we kept on going down it... and we turned somewhere, and I get out of my truck to ask this nice older lady ( or i thought so) with groceries for directions. but no, she was high. ... and then we somehow ended up near confed. and had to turn around in the parking lot, well Ashten is cracking jokes and me and Alli are nearly in tears. ("So Thomas and his friends are going to this party tonight." "Oh? wait.. shoot, Ashten. We didn't get money" "Why, you think there will be strippers there?" "Funny, Ashten. Wait... we are so lost") and we phone chrissy's mom and ask her for directions. she has ave. p. but we are so in the wrong lane (directions sooner, guys!) so we turn right, turn around at the hospital.. and keep on going north until we realized that mount royal is nowhere. and neither was that road. so we park. phone chrissys and her mom's cell's. no awnser. Phone Thomas... go back to avenue w (where we were at the start! except we turned left... instead of right) so we are going back to 22nd and we realized that the road we were supposed to turn on is right there. so sure enough. there is mount royal. and we just missed the guy's game. Ha. So.. we pick up Chrissy and then we headed over to Ozzie's for some supper... good food. Then we went to Midtown. And "met"/ overheard Ms. Lucky at Gap... uh, awkward. defnitely. we meet thomas and ashten leaves. I buy the new Broken Social Scene (wow! words cannot explain. I am overly impressed... except for the fact that there is a scratch on it now) and leave. no trouble getting back to mount royal... yess. watch some volleyball... hang out with some of the guys beforehand... and the whole Joel-Erin thing is confusing, still. :). they lose. we leave... after ashten call's us to meet her and thomas at Tim Hortons. He didn't bring friends. We met. We left. We get home. And i find out that Metric is coming! (wow!) and chrissy's going to pick up the tickets tomorrow. I still cannot believe it.. lol, we were just complaining about the lack of shows lately. So this blog has been weird... so i am going to leave. Maybe i'm overtired? maybe.

Random's.

Bored. but driven with something... energy, perhaps? A little bit of a sarcastic tone to me too. Man, I love fridays. I love the fact that there is a weekend.. a wide open space for aboustely nothing. Where, you don't have to go to school... back to routine, face those people, face the teachers, face the work... Just you. And well, of course... chores and work but hey. And friends! :) (physched for "girls" (ha..) night out tonight. Although, school wasen't so bad.. probably because i only had two classes :). Lol in class essay in eng. but i think i did okay.. lol, not every sound is Amber's stomach! that was funny. We're going to watch volleyball at Mount Royal and then Thoma's football.. and then who knows where we'll go from there.. :) ) . So, I am so-in-deep with new Metric. I love it. Funny, because most of the music usually depresses me... that electronic pop sound with the tricky guitars that sound's a little too happy. How can you do that everyday? Well.. I like this better. It has a little more depth to it, I think.. it illustrates Emily and her band's musical talent. Been dancing to "Empty"... and "Police and the Private" is well done as well. "Handshakes" is bound for a commerical. Oh! I heard A Postal Service song todays. On a car ad. I was disapointed. It's cool to see that some of these bands, with the real hard work and talent, finally get their chance to shine... but I hate it. It's my music. I don't what this stuff to play over the airwaves, and make me hate it. I saw Feist's "Inside and Out" on some countdown yesterday and i was nearly outraged... :).
My parents are leaving us three alone for the weekend as well as the next. That's the best part about winter, probably. Anyways.. I am going to dance (ha!) to some more metric and you know, get ready or something. :). out.

A Dead End.

So i've hit a dead end. I think I am at the point where I am sitting here, clueless. I don't know what God wants for me, and I sure don't know what I want for me. It seems as life hits it high for a while.. and that is where things are going on in your life, and then it gets slow again and you sit there, a little anxious on your seat, just waiting. Well, what am I waiting for?...
hm, what exactly is going on with me? Today was one of those days that turned out good because you made it good. :). i got to sleep in.. and my Mom made me french toast.. and I got to listen to Jack Johnson (that's a way to start the day) and the good ended about there. My dad came in... lol, and stupid me.. I opened my mouth. "I don't have time for you" is what i got for a response. Wonderful. So, time to put on the headphones and listen to "angry" music as he madly drives you to school at 160 so i don't waste any more of "his time" Ha.
So. I got to school... hung out with with some random people in the hallways until it was time to sell yearbooks.. which took pretty much the whole history class except for the last 5 minutes in which Chad and I had a conversation about his eraser... yes, tis is true. :). Then assembley, which we told on the grade 11s for sitting on our wall, mocked out the grade 9's and some anyonomous other people :)... oh! and were the target for that kid in grade 9's paper airplane! That was creepy. Ha. Then we went to lunch... Chrissy, Ashten, Beth and I. Then... me and Andy had a good conversation well doing history... and then Trevor and Chad joined us. And then... Math. In which I did... 2 questions? Hm. yeah. that was pretty much my day. Oh! work. of course. Crazy night. Crazy list... and the interac broke down, and Andy sat on the phone for hours with the people.. actually, on hold. They told her they couldn't do anything. So, that was awesome. Man, i love when people get grumpy at us. Oh, but cash out was timeless. I love laughing with you Andy... and you dodging big boxes of meat in the freezer, that's right. Then sure enough, Chrissy and Ashten are hanging out outside of the store, so we talked for a while.. and look now im home! That's right.
So. I am so excited for the weekend...! I need to get out of this week. I am sick of routine, and school and work, and mainly routine. ha. 'Nite.

Who Knows Where It Will Take Us...

So. I said i would come back when I had more things to say. But I don't really. I guess all i'm saying is more on a happier note. I love those days... where everything just feels so wrong, and then you end the day with an experience that makes it all worthwile. To cherish the little things, each and every moment with these people that have been my friends through high school... but who knows how long we will be friends, after I am gone? It's funny... because which will be the ones I will keep in touch with? I remember last winter... it was one of those days where our midterm was cancelled because it was too cold. And we were at Jared's. Making cookies. And we were sitting around his kitchen table making bets too eachother that we would stay friends after high school. Ha. I like to think of it that way... but who knows where life will take each of us?
Well tonight... Alli and I drove to Dalmney to watch some guys volleyball... which was kind of a cool experience. Lol, everyone in Dalmney was there, everyone. Ha.. Brooke and Alli are here! Let's all look up and ignore Mr. Zach's coaching techniques and stare and wave at them... uh, awkward. lol. "Who wants to go to the city?!" "No one?" Alli and I begin to leave "What, you're going to the city? Of course we want to come" lol.. the best was Joel's lecture to Michael and Derek about not touching or making any moves on me well he was gone. We went to Wendy's and ate some good food ("I'm about the only gangster in my class"... lol Alli!) and I got some red hair dye... it's only one box so i'll just do a touch of it, nothing too harsh.
Something encouraging about today was my parents postivity towards the idea of me going to Capernwray in Australia next year. It is something I am again, really getting excited about. My Aunt Char told us that she knows of someone that went there last year and really, really enjoyed it... and the music program as well, which is the best part. So.. tomorrow. Pancake b'fast, and no first class... yess! Anyways. Love you all... better get back to that english stuff. oh.. and that note to ashten...

I Give Up.

Someday's I do not feel like being happy. Sometimes, I just want to drown in my my own sorrow, and not have to feel like I should be happy (although I should... ha. I'm contradicting my own self) Someday's I don't feel like forgiving, just staying angry. Someday's I don't feel like giving my 100% to my schoolwork. And believe me, today was one of them. lol it's funny because I suddenly picked a random song in my library, and the first verse of it went like this: It Takes Alot, to be always on form. It Takes alot... Maybe not, all the time all i've got, maybe not. It's been one of those days...
We sold a grand total of 9 yearbooks today! I am getting ever so frustrated with people... it sounds stupid, and Mr Pauls tells me again and again each day to get harsher with people, but I just don't have it in my heart. Art was okay, although I'm not liking the idea of using those ugly watercolor paints for my picture. and I hate the fact that she expects us to reproduce things to the exact... what's wrong with making it our own? Isen't that what it is all about?
English turned out kinda funny actually... I actually am beginning to enjoy that class, except for that essay due. Lol. I forgot about the fact that I said i'd go for coffee with both Joel and Andy.. so I went with both.. right beside eachother, ha, and that was okay. ~ Just thinking about how things could be.. I guess ~. Beth and Lindsay and I had a good talk on the way home, I'm beginning to enjoy them alot. and now i'm home. Calling Alli in a couple mins or so, we'll probably go watch some guys vollleyball, if it works out. lol, Friday i'm accompanying Ashten to Thomas's football game, and meeting up with Chrissy and Beth later for a girls night.. yess!
Anyways. I have rambled long enough. Maybe i'l write later. when I can talk about more then the details of my day and weekend.

We Might As Well Be Strangers.

I Don't Want to Feel Like This! (screaming, pleading, tears bleeding...)

Today's been good... I think. A mixed verdict, I guess. Art was my favorite... yet again. lol. trying to win Joel back... ha... no worries, my art class isen't complete without you, remember? So, a grand total of 4 yearbooks were bought todays--- thatts right! :). Worship practice turned out fine, but not great. The studying for history was short, but i think i mighta made some progress.
Something that's been evident to me lately, is change. Change in me, my friends, my school, my family... the change good? I'm not real sure. I just know that i've been a little blind, too numb to all of this. I need to start opening my eyes a little... maybe?
To say i'm unsatisfied with my life is an understatement (sad, i know) maybe... bored, is a better word? I just see something... hear a song, see a picture, the stars at night... and is it bad to want something more out of it? That's where I am in life right now. The road is long though... and something will pop up to satisfy my interest soon enough, ha. Or let's hope so. I'm thinking of things to occupy me... some art classes, or liaeture classes (yess.. finally got to the library on sunday) and going to start sewing clothes again, keep myself busy and maybe those other things will fade away.
So. I listened to Imogen Heaps (finally got both cds) "The Moment I Said It" last night and it overwhelms me, one of those songs that leave a chill right through you. The last few verses relate to something so constant in my life, although that is something I will never share. anyways, i will defnitely leave a link to the lyics on the bottom.
Oh, checked out tickets for Broken Social Scene in November in Winnipeg on Ticketmaster and they're only $22. I better get my soon, and my bus ticket (the parents haven't made their verdict) but they said they needed someone to accompany me to the actual show. So.. anyone interested? Ha. Accomodations and food are free: courtsey of my grandparents.. :). I dunno yet.
My last peice of uninteresting information is that i'm going as Audrey Hepburn for Grad. Sure. Maybe it's been done before... but not in my school. So im thinking big sunglasses, big hat, black dresses, gloves, the whole deal. It'll be fun. and different. hopefully.
Anyways. God Bless, and good night.

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Moment-I-Said-It-lyrics-Imogen-Heap/D27190CC3F3C552848257044004BA362

"Good" Turns Up

... Just when you think that life offers nothing, something pops up and suprises you. God show's his goodness in so many different ways, and I think I fail to see it sometimes. Life is... Life. But he is still good, and he is still with me. (!) Today, I got a phonecall from The Art Institute of Toronto (wow!) from a lady named Suzette concerning Fashion Merchandising and Marketing Courses. We talked for over twenty minutes, a one-on-one interview. So, the totally awesome thing about it is that they're going to follow up my interest in the next year about going to their school, but continue to send me information and phone me. So, the Art Institute of Toronto is located downton Toronto (So downtown that is infact, across from CN tower). A big city setting, real big city setting. I am so ready. I also asked her Job Placement, and that is something they do offer. And the classes I get to take to get there are amazing.. photography, store planning, styling, retail management.. classes that I could use to any enterapeneur (sp?) related job. And, the best part of it that it's Toronto.. and shows. After I saw Feist, Jason Collett and New Buffalo live I knew it was something I really do love. Wow. There's also one in Vancouver and New York (ha!), both places I'd love to live. It's funny how I can be so city-orientated, and I've lived in a farm in rural Saskatchewan for 5 years. I guess I get it from my Mom... she lived in Winnipeg until she married my Dad, big city dreams of being an artist.. and. Now, look at her life. Different... But her outlook on it is not that negative. She misses it sometimes though, that I know. She yearns for culture and people, something that I have always. anyways. So, we'll see what happens!
Today has been a up-and-down kind of day. The sunshine brought a smile to my face, and coffee at Sabines with Kate, Chad and Vinny was good. I have grown to love that place... I could sit in there for hours, probably. But there has been times in this day, where I wish things weren't the way they were. I hate that feeling... and the feeling of being cold. So cold you cannot warm up, possibly ever. I hate that that is beginning already.
Something was mentioned about going and watching the hockey game tonight, but I guess we'll see. Maybe i'll watch one of those movies I rented, or maybe some more of the Food Channel... gosh, i'm a dork. Or study for history, that would be a good thing. I also decided im dying my hair auburn, as soon as I get my hands on some dye. That was pointless.
So... I think i'm going to go out for a run. But have a good night, all.
oh. and these song lyrics... http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Walk-lyrics-Imogen-Heap/14AF875B33D83E7148257044004BAA22

Uh, Awkward... :)

So.
Tonight was...
hm...
Okay, my day at school was okay. Got to go home early, and only two classes of actual working. Lunch was fun. Andy and Kate. I miss grade ten alot.. sometimes. I think those actually were the days. lol. And not the days... wow. Come to think of it, that was a real hard winter. I regret alot of it, but I thank God that he let me get through it.
Chrissy and I ventured out to Value Village... (yess) after school... pretty cool. Lots of nice stuff, but everything is always not the right size. Got some jewelry though and this really cool bright purple belt... We ate bagels with Alex, before our twenty minute adventure to West Portal in which Alex drove down an alley with a dead end, and we hit that stupid yellow light in which was key to stay behind.... oh well. we got there. and home.
The concert was good, actually. Whittaker was the most anticipated, but I probably was most impressed with The Reception (...?) lol... moshing was kinda out of the picture with chrissy and her crutches and my shoes. Wasn't much impressed with Captain, Means probably had the most "professional" , practiced sound... it was good. I really like them. Chrissy and I decided to go to Earls after... so we're walking to the door, and got hit on by two groups of guys that were probably in late 20s, "yes we're in high school, and no we don't want to go to Baileys". Ha. But good conversation and a good dessert... and on the way home we just sat quiet and listened to new Death Cab... I'm in love with music like that... that tells a story.
So im aware of the fact that I can be soo mean, and each and every time I regret it after, but get way too much satisfaction. ... so sorry. Anyways, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Tom and Joel mentioned volleyball in PA but im not sure about that. Maybe i'll sleep. Something like that...
anyways. good night.

get me out of here...

I Wish Upon...

this week has been full of a lot of "Wishes" I wish I hadn't said that... I wish that hadn't happened.... I wish I was nicer to that person... I wish I hadn't slept in that day(and missed out on U of S tour... aww!) I wish... I think sometimes that we get caught up in what could have happened instead of focusing on what is happening at that moment. I know I do, anyways. I know i don't make enough out of things, live now... all that.
I'm currently aware that there are a ton of grade tens in here just waiting to read my intermost thoughts as i write on here.. but hey. Intermost thoughts... ha.
This week has been okay, when I think about it. It's best to learn from experiences, and hey, that's life. I'm ready to let go and just let new things happen... I know i've been a little dramatic, but aren't we all, sometimes.
Tonight is that concert... concerts are my favorite, so I am pumped about that. Looking forward to Whittaker, alot. Think i will be going home early tonight, though, although "home" isn't best for me sometimes because it's just gives me way too much time to think and you've probably figuted out that thinking makes me insane and crazy and .... :)
I am in need of something to keep me busy with tomorrow. No work for once. So kinda weird... but it'll be good. I get to sleep in! Call me up if you're bored..

to begin again... to begin again...

http://lyrics.duble.com/lyrics/L/leona-naess-lyrics/leona-naess-how-sweet-lyrics.htm

This Time, This Place...

so, just kind of going through a run down of my day... Life has taken it's twist and turns lately, but luckily I haven't crashed...
Today I woke up totally pysched about last night's concert... Feist on the laptop, I got to sleep in some this morning, so I actually maybe spent some time getting ready this morning.. I get so lazy when it comes to getting ready for school... i mean, it's just school.. im not trying to impress anybody there anyways, ha.
My Dad, who i haven't talked to in weeks, agreed to drive me to school. I said one word, and he picked up his cellphone and completely ignored me. And what was the one thing he said to me in weeks... "Make Good choices" as he sped away... what the hell. (sorry.. i've tried to kick that habit) Have i been making bad choices? Do you even know if I have since you're never home, and when you are it dosen't matter? I don't get it. (sorry for the rant...) First stop-- history. The class went okay, lucky me I wasn't bored out of my mind... taking notes is quite easy, although I miss Mr. Hinz and i miss history being my favorite class. English was fine. Lunch was... well, boring. I went into the computer lab and checked out some schools, contacted some for info... so on. Crazy that it's happening now, but I'm ready to get out of here. Fourth class we attempted to motivate some classes into buying some yearbooks... good salespeople we are. lol. Then... I went to Sabines with Evan, Kendra and Jeana... people I hardly know or have hung out with, but yet people that have been in my class since elementary.. so crazy. I think i've been a little too comfortable in my own group... but that tends to happen. Last class I suffered through a long and quiet math class with only Ms. Hodgson and Trevor and his headphones to keep me company. Then, I went home and sat around thinking about stuff... that get's me in trouble. And then work. Which was alot of fun, actually. Then as we were locking up, Bryce, jared and Joel showed up and asked me if I wanted to go for coffee... so we all did. Bryce only managed to set one napkin on fire... gosh. Then we went to Bryces and watched some Futurama. The thing that has left me most excited todays is the fact that I will be returning to the Chinease Alliance Church on Sundays! I miss those kids, oh so much! I miss riding the city bus with those kids home and them sitting on my lap, and doing the puppet show on a moments notice. I miss stealing the guys slurpee's on the way home, and aw... I just miss it, everything. I miss feeling like maybe i'm giving a little more back. So im going to leave... we have to be at the school for quarter to eight tomorrow, so i should probably go make my lunch and get some sleep. excited to go to U Of S... defnitely. Excited for... life.

One dark night, I saw the light. It shone with more desire then i'd seen before. The leaves begin to fall, I smell the air, and hear a voice saying...

Only Anticipation

Overcoming difficult situations... and still have joy. Overcoming...
I am at peace todays. With everything. Kinda numb, but that i always am. Trust issues. It is always a topic of conversation with me... why don't I trust people more, why don't I tell people this? Well, I have become way to leanient. I'm sorry guy's, but I am putting that wall back up, once again. I can't stand it no longer.
It's weird to wake up and realize who a person actually is. A wake up call. And relief. Something like that, yes.... But a friendship is something I will always cherish. And I am okay with that.
This morning was good. Math got me a little frustrated, but that is the way it always is. Ha... Joel's the best. People that encourage you, and make you smile, time and time again are the best. I still love Art... although reproducing a tacky picture of fruit isen't my idea of it. English was, funny? Smiles. I love pertending to work in the back of the class... and Chad and I talked about music, and he gave me a new band, so I am anticipating that. Music helps me breathe sometimes. All that chem talk at lunch got me bored, so I came home to clean up a little, load some more music and maybe even rest. Tonight... is.... Feist! (8:00 at Louis Pub on U of S... with Jason Collett and New Buffalo..) I cannot wait. And we're going to see Angie beforehand... smile there. Chrissy on crutches will be interesting, but i'm sure it'll work out fine. "I'm probably going on and on... I seem to be doing more and more of that these days"
I guess I love to see what God is doing in my life. Because, things have changed so rapidly over these past few weeks with everybody... and he's helped me overcome these days. And i'm sure he'll continue to do it. It's good to know that someone cares. I'm anticipating to see what he has in store for me next.
So... i've come across some excellent music these past few days, which I thought i'd share with you. Trespassers William has easily become my new favorite band... it might even be one of my classics, someday. Mazzy Stars "Into Dust" Slipknots "Circle" "Breathe" Leaves and "Far Away" by Nickelback are the highlights right now.
Im going to go now.

What I Am. And What You Are. Some thing's just don't hold the way the night has trapped a star. Alone. Alone dosen't feel so cold...

Thanks.

I got my wish. I got Thanksgiving... that I very much did.
I wish that I could take all that complaining back, what for? Why do I feel the need to complain when I have far more then I should... and more? Things were clear again todays... again I saw it when I was outside (Isen't fall gorgeous?) in bright sunshine and in his voice, whispering in my ear... Thank-you, God. Thank you for the good things you bring me each and every day, and the way you have kept your hand on my shoulder, letting me know that you're there.
The message in church today's was mainly overcoming difficult situations... and still having joy... People blow me away. To have thing's like that happen, and still have a smile on their face and joy in their heart inspires me... This is what I want for myself. I don't want to complain anymore. Sure, there is going to be hard times along the way, but for now I am trying my best.

Now I am sitting here wondering why I didn't get to Praise and Worship (or anywhere for that matter), other then the fact that I would have been a little late... A little of that probably would have done me some good. Yes, probably. I took a chance on my writing tonight though, haven't done that in a long while, It turned out okay, not to my potential, but okay. I am looking forward to tomorrow, some different company.
Well, this was bascially all I have in my heart to write tonight. But please, if you are in feeling lonely, then call me... I defnitely would like that. :). { Listening to Mazzy Star's "Into Dust"... gorgeous song...}

Mistakes Never Fixed

Hm...
"I" make myself angry... why do I do these things? Why can't I get the idea of "Learning from my mistakes" in my head... Because, all of this will only end in hurt and I hate that...
Anyways. I am okay todays. Better then the time of my rant yesterday in school.. ha. I finally got my iPod... pretty happy about that, got it all figured out now (with a little help.. thanks, btw) the idea of having so many songs in my pocket blows me away.. not blows me away, just makes me happy... how convienient. Filled it up with lots of Death Cab ("Debate Exposes Doubt" and "Brothers on A Hotel Bed" are probably my fav.) already, getting back into them (probably considering the fact that all i've been listening to these past few days/ weeks are Damien Rice and Feist) This weekend has been decent. Different though... A homecoming of a certain anyonomous person dosen't bring a smile to my face... ha, things are really awkward, yes. The senior guys won the Alumini tourny... that was pretty sweet. Headed over to Collin's tonight after... haven't been over there in a while. It 'was okay... fun. But...
Anyways, I really should be heading to bed... so goodnight. Happy thanksgiving!

Thanks?

so, here i am in a completely empty computer lab upon finishing two math assignments in less then an hour (yess) Today is a different kind of day, then the rest of the days this week... i've fallen back into a unhappy mode... Rain outside, two long classes ahead of me... some more work this week... Yesterday was a bad day as well. It was one of those days where you just want to crawl into bed and feel sorry for yourself, and not acknowledge anyone... yet that is hard when you work at a store and you deal with people all shift long ... so once I snapped out of that, it was okay. I feel awkward being at school and writing in this thing but I guess no one is here... except the fact, that people can walk in any second from now... ha. I found something out last night, that normally would be anyone's good news, would be my bad news. It just makes thing's weird... although last night was fun... "watching" hockey and lots of good laugh's. Alumini is tonight, and I said i'd go with Alli but I feel like joining my Mom in the city, so we'll see.
The thing I have been thinking about is thanksgiving. How selfish Am i to complain on here, when the celebration to celebrate all the great things in my life (and yes there are many) and thank God for that is coming up in two days or so, and i'm sitting here feeling mighty sorry for myself. My family is not thanksgiving kind of family. Nor is my extended, over the past few years. Ha, well eveyrone is sitting down to dinner with their families and watching football, I'll be sitting at home babysitting my siblings, most likely... I kind have missed out on that, Thanksgiving. But for now I am done complaining. I got history class (sigh) in five minutes or so. But if you would like to talk or do something on the weekend, please call me. I will snap out of this, I promise :).

hey...
cold and defnitely tired... but happy... a little bit of windburn, yes... a little bit of country in my head, yes... but hey... oh, and english homework.
I'm not really writing in here tonight for any specific reason... mainly a prayer request, yes, again for Chrissy... she hurt herself bad todays in Cross Country and it's all really disapointing and it's so frustrating for her... and just pray that everything all heals well... that is my concern today.
Ha, today was fun. Hilareous too. Ashten and I's codes for our non-existent (but so promised) walkie- talkie's... asking if we were interested in joining a gang... laughing for no apparent reason, Nate and the bananna.. ha. Very inside.
This week has flown by. I was kind of disapointed about the work sceduele but now that i've worked two shifts, i only got two left (/ three... cause saturday is a double...) and my weekend is not looking good, but hey, I will live. I'm really in the mood for coffee right now. Coffee and someone to laugh with. Hm. Im going to go listen to The Frames and do my english... so ttyl, call me anytime...

Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this. Sunshine, I'm beginning to like it...

Hi,
So, on a brighter note... these past few days have looked up... I've been trying to have a better attitude about stuff (how lame this sounds) but maybe I believe that things are better if you look at it with a different aspect. I came home todays liking school... so, you've probably determined your idea of me... a total dork, yes i know. That might change tomorrow... or next month or next semester, but for now it's been okay. Mr. Cross was half an hour late for history class this morning... (it was good, because i slept in) so me and Andy (secret spys... yess) went and jumped in the leaves... I think Fall is my favorite season. We also sorted through all those gross bottles todays... but whatever, it's over with.
I've been thinking alot about graduating and what i'm going to do next year... and how i'm going to miss all my friends, and the people in my class... I really forget that i've been with alot of these kids since elementary, and how much fun times we've actually had... sometimes I just roll my eyes at some of them, and think about how much fun leaving would actually be... but i stop to forget to appreciate each and every one of them, because it's been good.. and I only wish the best for all of them.
The bands going to find out a set date for their concert tonight, so that means beginning the posters, but that I am okay with... something to keep me more busy then having an excuse to write on this thing everyday. School's got a little more work then it was before, but that I am mostly okay with as well... yearbook is finished, (right now it's selling one for next year.. sigh) Cross country is on Wednesday, and my whole goal to not do it... Chrissy and Mr. Zac came up with this evil scheme to sign me up behind my back... ugh. 5K being a race is not fun, i don't care what you think! My grandparents from Winnipeg are here right now... times with them make me realize how important time actually is... I don't know when they'll be gone, Maybe i'll see them again, maybe I won't? Things happen so fast, so unexpected, I guess...
Feist, in 8 days! I've been listening to nonstop Feist and New Buffalo.. so I am looking forward to that concert lots, a more relaxed scene then the ones i am used to going too, pumped about that.. defnitely. Anyways, I need to get ready for worship practice.. so I will talk to you all later... smiles.

For todays. And tomorrow.. and the next day, and the next I am not sure. I guess what i've learned is to take God's hand and let him guide me... be sure to follow the path he wants me to take, and not my own. My future is undecided, yes. But for right now I guess i need to live a little more "in the moment" What was I watching last night? Something sticked out " We live thinking we have so much time... and then it's gone" Something like that. I think I need to do a little more "living"
Last night was good. A different kind of group of people, but I think that's what I needed. I think that's what I need maybe, a little. Some change.
It's funny how things can be going not too great, and then something turns up and changes all of that... I guess that's what last night was. The details I am not going to include, but let's just say it was good... :).
I am out for the days. My cell, of course, is always on. So call me if you would like.
Have a good day.