Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Love, Do You Need Me Now?
Because I've let you down because i've already let you go.
And you don't even know.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Don't Take That Too.

Why would you ask me to discuss reality vs. dreams?

Dreaming is the only thing I have.

It's the reason I get out of bed in the morning...
You can't take that away from me too.

Theres a reason reality has nothing to do with dreams. Because... in dreams, anything can happen. It's so much better then reality... because reality confines. Anything can't happen in reality. Reality is...
disapointing.
There's nothing disapointing about a make believe world. Nothing.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Take Me Back To The Stars.

I want to badly to be wrong about people. I want more anything, to Love someone. In loving, that means I would trust.
But I remember why I never did in the first place, days like today. So maybe i'm nothing but a tragedy.

Don't think you know me.
Only like me for who I am.
doyouhearme?

Ohyeah... and I quit my job todays.

Do you know what these walls have done to me? No, you don't get it. Don't think you get it. My nights are a trace of bad dreams... I don't sleep anymore.

This is the ninth day. Im just royally sick of this. The speaks truer then anything else.

And don't keep memories if you don't value them. Adleast give them to someone who does. I havent forgotten.

I wish I had, though.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I Want A Lover I Don't Have to Love.

I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a guy who's too sad to give a care.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sureI got the money if you've got the time

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you..But you...you write
such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
then hurt me..then hurt me...then hurt me...

Not all these words ring true for me, but alot of them speak louder then I could ever. Leave it to Conor Oberst to write another song that screams everything I've been trying to say.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I Cant Remember What Friday Was Like.

I don't like waking up in a hospital bed. I don't like being in bed for 4 days straight. Im sick of popsicles, jello, gingerale and chicken noddle soup, I'd rather eat nothing. I hate needles, I hate having tons of needles even more. I don't like missing school and schoolwork and bottle drive and hockey games and my Grandma's birthday, and so on. I don't like not being able to get up. I don't like coughing until it hurts.

yeah... so this is where i'm at right now. Im kinda honestly questioning this winter. I think i've been sick the majority of it. And i have another doctors appointment tomorrow morning but I don't really have the strength to drive myself, since today was the first day I had strength to go wash my hair. I know it's gross. But... i feel horrid.
So, if you could keep me in your prayers, that'd be lovely. I honestly don't have all that much more to say except I hope your all doing great. :)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I Need YOU So Much Closer

Friday, March 17, 2006

It Wasen't 3 Hours, 11 Minutes Now, Was It?

Highways help you remember that life goes on.
Bridges help to remind you that there is a connection.
Blue skies and sunshine remind you of hope.
Old friends help you remember that there was good times.
Bright Eyes helps me remember every single broken peice of this year.
Loosing helps to remind you to be humble.
Almost accidents remind you what it feels like to be alive.
Pictures help remind of you memories.
Laughter reminds me that there is sunshine in this darkness. And that... I don't laugh with no one like I do when i'm with Kate.
Mean glances and conversations help you remind you that this world is perfect by no means. And that people just get the best of you.
Roadtrips help to remind you that there is such thing as getting out.
Accidents remind you that death exists, later or not.
Art reminds you that there are some intelligent people left in this world.
Friends help remind you that someone loves you.

So... this is for today, each statement had something to do with it.
Enjoy.

Friday, March 10, 2006

my application for a rescue.

I couldn't remember why I loved you, when the abstraction of that stop sign dominated my view
Tonight, you highlighted every piece of your betrayal,
Tonight, you just made it so much easier to conceal my being in tuesday night's difference.

My steps disappeared in a accumulated disaster. My desire for evasion displayed my strength in the escape, but these steps, they are never abstained. They are always broken. By you.

How can you color me with every backbiting lie and except me to adhere to the belonging you boast?
Well I scream in hopes of advertising every single bit of my heart that's been broken.
And I scream in hopes of my voice being spoken among each mouth that's here to understand me.


It's they that don't understand. That, all of this, just can't be spoken, Among any mouth. These screams, and this hurt is home. And they don't get the reality of the consquence. You just don't get the reality of the consquence.
So, Here it stays.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

You Said Theres Nothing Left For You, Well I Guess You Meant Me Too.

i think alot of things have been blow up to proportion lately.
and i think that sometimes i feel guilty for feeling lonely. that i feel guilty for feeling hurt. that i feel guilty for feeling... sad.
...but there is no use for complaining. No use for me, or for you.
The word "emo' has been blown out of proportion these days. There's different kinds. Emo like "Oh that kid cuts his wrists" or they "Dress emo" Get over it. I hate stereotypes. But I hate fakers even more.
Get over the fact that everything isen't good and fine, and sometimes you need to cry about it. Stuff happens, and you react to it. There is nothing worse then feeling numb. Life isen't all fine. And life isen't all darkness. There's a fine line in the middle and your oblivious to it. Sometimes you need to scream about it. That's real. And that's the only thing you have to hold onto right now.
But... move on. There is a light in this tunnel. Your just not looking hard enough.
Im not looking hard enough.

There has to be dark and muddy waters to give the sun something to background it's flasing glory. ("A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith)

Best:
1) snowboarding monday maybemaybe. who wants to come?
2) new photoblog. nothings really posted yet but keep checking: http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com
3) no homework. no work. no work tomorrow. call me, we'll hang out :)

Monday, March 06, 2006

I Won't Forget The Way You Said "Move On. There's no point in waiting"

God has this way of waking you up in ways you never imagined. In subtle ways. Like in another's simple prayer, or the word "lazy" or a line of a old hymn.
its my own fault i keep on falling asleep.

it's like when your alarm goes off, but you just faintly hear it because the tuning on the radio isen't right. It's like you wishng you would have checked that last night, but glad you heard it.

... i heard it.
I'm glad I heard it.
Sometimes I don't wish that it was louder.

But then it's hard to get up.
It's hard to get back into the routine.

trying. im trying...
move on. theres no point in waiting...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

And I Better Wake Up.

the snow has seemed to overwhelm the area, like it's taken enough and it's not sure how much more it can. It's not suited for.
Im not suited for.
School has became a place where dread going. I don't sleep well at night before it, I stress over it minute to minute. I stress over friends, the amount of the day it takes up, the work that goes with it. the activities that go with it.
Winter is always the most hardest.
Summer come? soon? please?

And it's not like i'm even having a bad night. Im just here with "maps" and the album leaf. Im going snowboarding tomorrow...
Priorities come and go, and whether you choose the right one first is i guess, your decision. my decision. my wrong decision.
and im okay... im leaving in september. I guess the final conclusion to next year has came: Capernwray in Colorado. Why is that when we look forward to a decision made, that we dread the decision made after? ANyways... i do.
But i must part.
I have more in my heart, but I'm not sure if my heart is right tonight to tell it's secrets.