I know its easy to doubt yourself, your confidence, and espescially your potential. But now I think its at a time where I know where I am, or adleast I think I do, and because of this, I reject. Myself and others. But then I also chose to believe that we are always ten steps behind ourselves. Or I am adleast.
Of the first months of this school year, I felt that I had gotten ahead. Gotten ahead of where I wanted to be, maybe. In a night, and another like it, I realized that the only thing that had moved ahead was the pages on my calender. I had not changed, grown, stretched or stepped ahead. I had fallen back to a familiar place, a place where choosing darkness was just... easier. I thought I had gotten past "easier" Don't you feel that the idea of picking another choice rather then the one that is "easier" just feels like it is growth?
But. Its funny because I never have picked the hard way, before.

I've been looking alot at stuff of the past. The ultimate theme was being broken down until there was none of me left. And i've realized the significance, I could not exist the way I do today without that breaking time. Without that time where life seemed like it had no end, and everything seemed grey and I just wanted nothing but to disappear.
I don't mean to say that I'm over it. There are times when life seems grey, when I want to put an end to something that seems like it will go on forever, when I want to disappear. I get it alot, lately. But I understand that it comes with the season. And that, it will pass. And theres something that shines its light down on me (even if its dim sometimes) to find my way in the dark... God.
I want to so much, pursue a life thats anything thats worthy to Him, but I fail, again and again. It seems like all I do is fail lately.
Tomorrow im returning to a place where people don't fail. I don't think I'm ready.

I was suprised by my intentions- lonely, vulenrable, sullen-- desperate. My intentions laced with the glimmer of my bare arm with the moonlights attention, or the lipstick i wore. Small steps and big hopes. A glance there, a wave here, but none of that put brakes upon my destination. A steady but graceful pace, that had never gotten me anywhere before, until now. The dimmness of the moon had escaped and there it was- Bright and romantic and stood with protection and trust, and I realized that it had me there. And that was all.


Push Rewind...

Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep. don't make promises you can't keep. Don't make promises you can't keep. DONT MAKE PROMISES YOU CANT KEEP... It echoes in my head with disapointment and grief. Over and over again.
It's real easy to let another thing slip and fall beyond your reach. After a while, you don't reach for anything because your sick of trying and you just let it fall.
That what has has done to me. Towards me. Forever.


"i'd rather give the world away, then wake up lonely..."