Race That Needs To Be Finished

So:
A little bit of heart beating never did anyone wrong, did it?
Well, mine is. Fast. I just called the "wrong" number or so i assume, or um, hope. I got the awnser I knew I should have gotten for calling at that time. But: Honestly, I feel gross... and freaked out.
I never seem to get it right. I am always left with a feeling after something that I have not done my best, or I have not made the right decision, or...
Just this whole happiness thing. Like, I've been defeated. Like I couldn't do it on my own so... yeah. I am saying more then I should.
this week has been good, and I appreciate that fact. But i feel like I am not trying hard enough at this: Life. And it's like I am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that I put off making any decision. I just... I want to get next year right. I want to get this year right. I just... want to get everything right, you know?
My Mom says im a perfectionist. If i don't get things right the first time, then I give up. I think it's something like that. I've given up, because I couldn't get it right. But I need or needed to try again.
Sometimes it's harder getting up after we have fallen. But, there is a race to finish... one I need to finish as well. And i took the easy way out...
God's there. He'll help me.
I can do this.

You Said It Was Like Christmas. But You Were Wrong, It Wasn't Like Christmas At All.

So. It's been snowing these past two days, and I can't lie and say that i don't like it. Because i do... I like when it it's lightly snowing. It's pretty. And promising. And guess what? Tomorrow is December! I just hate November. There are various reasons which I will not go into but it's done. tomorrow. so.
Now that i've sat through two group discussion/ lecture things over the past 2 days I have some to say: Teen Challenge was really good. Those presentations get old, they really, really do. But today was good, he had our attention. There is nothing better then having someone speak that has gone through something like that, and they come out of it and end up inspiring other people with their own story. And the two other guys, just older then us were really good. I was impressed. Life is about choices.... whether you make a good one or not is your... choice. ha. Im big on this choice thing: these next months bring alot of choices.
so let me tell you about my awkward art class todays: well. So... the guy I went out with, for, um, a week maybe two? and my Andy and this other guy are usually like the "unstoppable four" in art class. And it was fun. But then I broke up with him. And things got... awkard. So today Andy was gone. And for some reaon, Julian wasen't showing up. So: we sat. Quietly. And then Julian came. finally.. but it was really... um. bad. I wasen't sitting beside him in the first place, but my teacher made me because I was not in a good spot for the people that were presenting.
I am anticipating EVERYTHING after work tonight. Yay! Movies and supper with the girls tomorrow! Chrissy and I are going on a thrift shop/ camera crazy spree on friday and then I get to work with Curtis. and our history test somehow got moved to next week, through Mr. Cross's excellent organizing.
:), :).
we also got our pictures today. Lucky me, got no indivitual one of myself... but I did get my class picture. Interesting, that one...
so. im going to go and eat peanut butter pittas and then off to work!
goodbye.

listening: "Swing Life Away" Rise Against "A Warning Sign" Coldplay

I've Made Myself The Fool, Who Is Falling For You...

3:00 tuesday. anticipating getting out of here once again.
snow outside. pretty....
more laundry to do, some english as well. but.
good day.
I love good days.
So far.

Am I loud and clear, or am i breaking up?
Am i still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine, if you show yours first.
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

We live on front porches, and swing life away.
We'll get by just fine here with minimum wage.
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long, I think it's time to move
The winter's too cold, and summer is over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that i hardly know
But we've had some times, that I wouldn't trade for the world
We'll chase these days down with the talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here with minimum wage
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets.... until you hold my hand.
(Rise Against)

It's Cold As You Fade Into The Sun, Where'd You Go? To Me?

look, it's snowing.
this day has been bizarre. more then bizarre. just.
so many things in life come and go... and it's hard when they do. go. I just... I woke up this morning with the effects of something i wish I hadn't even taken. In taking this I feel like I have given up on something that I could have tried harder to get. I feel... defeated.
And. my cat died this morning.
And vinny's grandma's funeral was this morning. We went and I cried. a bit. he will always be a hero in my eyes, and I just worry about what's going on now. Where will he live? Will be okay? He dosen't seem. okay.
but I don't think really anyone feels that way todays.
First class spare I went to the post service to mail a letter. I came back to school, and found out that that reciever of that letter had arrived in Waldheim at 12 last night, and had disappeared sometime early this morning.
I feel sick. I did yesterday. I missed Justin's birthday for that.
I tried sleeping last night. but i didn't much suceed.
i havent suceeded at much of anything lately.
I guess just today I need redirection, a bit. And it's just one day. It's just today.
I just feel a little lost.

listening: remy Zero "Fair" Gregory and the Hawk "The Bolder Thing To Do"

Sing Again For Me That Long Forgotten Song.

There is no reason not to smile when you wake up on a Saturday morning, at whatever time you desire, and you open the curtains... and there's sunshine.
And you can just sit in your bed and listen to good music and write in your journal and just have time.... time. Time to do what you would desire to do with it. If anyone thinks about it, we waste so much time worrying about the next day and what comes that we waste yet another day doing that. I guess i'm just trying to relax myself with the thoughts of what next year brings, and well, my future, ha.
I know there is lots to do todays: work, finally finish that letter, chores, english essay, math, clean my room, do laundry, work on my alto parts for 2 choirs, a worship team and another group for church. But. That is okay. It's sunny outside and God just feels, so real. Todays.
How does this work, exactly? Why do we feel him when we are happy, but not so when we are alone. and miserable. We watched this video yesterday at a friend's youth group and there was a point brought up in it about how we ask "Where is God?" but instead we should ask "Where isen't he?" He's defnitely there. Everywhere. We just need to look a little harder...?
I am in love with a song. It's "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's and if you have not heard it already then you really should. There is nothing better. Well, almost. And Cat Power. And John Mayer. And the song below. This morning.
I realized I have not posted a entry up in quite some while, somewhat. I guess my thoughts have been kind of lost between the worrying i've done about school and other stuff, But Christmas will be here soon enough (one month) and i am loving the weather quite honestly. I think I am defnitely going to Sabines today to hang out, the journal and some coffee seem quite appealing. If you want to do something tonight, i work 5 through 9 but you can call me at work, although I know most of you are at guys provincials (I would like to know how they are doing!)
Anyways. Have a good day.

Tired but I ain't sleeping
Thinking about some sad affair
And why i should be leaving
Cause some of these thoughts only seem to take me out of here
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
Thinking about tomorrow tired form all the time I spare
On what I still believe in When none of my talk ever seems to get me anywhere
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long bye my friend so long
So long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long Tired but I ain't dreaming falling into solid air
And why I must be leaving or one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long, bye my friend so long so long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you so long
(Beth Orton)

New Life Break Away... Tonight, I Feel Like More Tonight, I...

I don't really exactly know where I am anymore. It seems as if, I have not one moment to spare with all the stuff that I should be doing, but I waste away it (msn and this blog...). I feel a little closed in, suffocated in a mess items on my "to-do" list. I used to live for going out. Not anymore, this girl goes out once or twice a week maybe, and going out is feeling guilty for the extent of it of what i should be doing, and finds herself signed up for something as stupid as a dodgeball team, another item on a list that feels so... hard. Work is good, better then ever probably, and the grades at school are going well. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we run ourself to we cannot take it not anymore? And what makes us hit that wall and realize, where have I been? I really don't know where i've been, or what's really going on with me, until a doctor has to tell me what really is, going on. My biggest worry is still, next year. I have been applying for information like a crazy person for schools, and more schools and yet more schools. I get nerveracking phone interviews, and packages of information that I don't really "feel" I have the time to go through.
and where is God? I don't really know. I know i've pushed him aside on the priorties list, and that is eating away at me but yet I don't do much about it. How are we so.... lazy? I've been lazy. And im sick of it, im sick of procastinating assignments (cough, couch.... um, art!) and running myself dry in those last moments, and i am sick of feeling i have not enough time to go out with a friend for coffee, who needs me more and who I really need., make a simple call to my grandparnets to say a happy birthday, sit down and hang out with my siblings, sit down with some books and some Christmas music and... I just... i think i've lost myself?
So, underneath all those piles of things is God. I know he's still there, and I think maybe i'm going to go and try to clean that up right now.

Carefree is what we claim we want to be, free to live this life that we have found, and it is living when we our laying our lives down for someone not of ourself. I think it's time to close my eyes, forget this mess. Tried to fix this but how can I forget these things that I have never done?

Lately It Seems As If I'm Chasing What Time Has Already Resolved.

we are just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, there is no relief for this beating heart...

So: I so told myself I shouldn't go on msn tonight but here I am. I am ever so bad with that... Im working on english right now, or trying. We have to come up with something that we fear most, and different words we associate with that fear. and tomorrow we will write a in-class essay on it, so I am kind of fed up with my english teacher but i will deal with it. it's school and that is almost done, so.
I went to the doctor todays. and that was a long and be-patient experience. Alot of what went on was a little bit scary, and a little new for me but I am learning that I have to deal with this, and that as much as I really think I hate my doctor, she's trying to help me out. But. That's all im going to say about it, a decision I made with myself and with my parents.
My Mom dropped me off at the library and I had myself a good time. I am ever such a geek: wow. I got the coolest photography book, and tons of cds and some novels for actual reading. This might sound weird, but you want to know where the actual knowledgeble people in our world are? In the library. They all come in, and they look not like they have much of a homelife, or lots of money (maybe they do and they just chose to not appear like it), but they are walking out with books on everything and everything. I sat outside with my iPod and waited... and watched people. There was tons of people out todays: it was beautiful. Kind of cold, but the sun and the crowds made me happy.
Then we went and my Mom bought me starbucks: a peppermint mocha, mhhmm. and I looked for some hair dye, but I couldn't quite figure it out with the time i had. and we talked and I flipped through my new teenvogue (guilty obsession:Yes) and listened to Tori Amos as we drove home. and we figured out quite exactly what i wanted for Christmas. and she dropped me off at work with my curtis and we ever had so much fun. ha. You know, not exactly. But... it was good. and i got the most beautiful note from Alli todays. lol, and the funny thing is i have this major huge art assignment tomorrow due and im not even near done: but that is okay because i am like 3rd last at presenting. But i am defnitely going to have to get on that: honestly.
Tomorrow I have choir, an english assignment due, work and among other things to do like figure out what im doing with my life, work on that art, and i owe letters. to numerous people. so. i am going to go: now.

xx.

listening to: Rilo Kiley's "more Adventerous"

It Seems Like Just Yesterday We Had The World Our Way...

Random.... yes:

Brooke's favorite things: as of: Todays: Nov. 20th! 3:30 pm.
- brocolli
- alli's hugs!
- glitter
- being bossy. to kate, ha.
- smelling like forever strawberries with Chrissy (soo the beatles.)
-Angel food cake that we didn't get any of
- pertending to do my homework (going to get me no where)
- mhm! starbucks! i could go for a hot chocolate. or two.
- traffic patrollers with Chrissy and Alex! with the lack of big orange costumes- justin, you need to work on that- next year!
- Last night. and trains. sometime shall we? :).
- Steph forgetting my name. Oh yeah, we've been friiiennds forrever
- awkwardly dropping cups. or plates.
- worrying. wait, cut that ONE! ugh.
- talking to Terri last night!
- cute boys.
- laughing so hard there is tears in those eyes of yours. of mine actually.
- curtis's brownies
- coming up with ways to get out of going to the doctors tomorrow
- Rilo Kiley
- dancing in my yard of sunshine, Rachel Yamagata in my head
- trying to be happy and suceeding.
and she could go on...

3 things she wishes she could just Figure Out:
- how to be happy forever. and all ever.
- next year
- myspace. html

5 Things She Would Like To Do Right Now:
- be somewhere else
- not have any homework
- hold hands
- wear a dress. because the weather would be perfect enough, it just would.
- see Rilo Kiley. live and in concert.

4 Things she Needs to get done before tomorrow:
- her english assignment
- adleast the questions for art
- go to alex's
- renew her library books

2 Songs she's been listening to non stop this afternoon:
- "Absence ofGod" Rilo Kiley
- "Spiders" Lovedrug

1... i cannot think of one.

Lists. I Love lists.
I heart you: all.

Well I Waited I Was Wasting Away...

its late, 12 possibly. only second class beginning tomorrow: she's smiling. about that. maybe only.
Death cab's "Brothers on A Hotel Bed" and myspace are keeping her busy. She knows she should finish the english and get some sleep, but...
sigh.
what's sleep anyways? what's lieing in bed for hours trying? because afterall, she dosen't go to sleep to dream. she can do that fine on her own.

Life, is.... hard. It's going to keep on being hard, because that's just the way it is. There are forever going to be people in my life who continue to totally piss me off, and situations that leave me hurting, and where my physical self isen't doing too great, whether it be in a doctor or a therapists office. I just... wish. That. I could just let it go. you know? Stop worrying. Stop worrying about everything that's going on. Because it's tearing me: apart. I wish I could just escape to somewhere where people need me, off to Africa to give flu shots and feed starving children with the money from all the stupid things that I own, that will mean nothing forever and ever. and ever. And then I wish that people in my school would be alot less stupid, and just things.. at home and, and it could just be as easy as it once was. wait, when was that? hm.
Deep breath.

She knows that it won't change with her complaining about it. Deep breath. Just let it go...

How is it we let go of so many days, of so many moments, minutes...? I hate that feeling of the day being slipped away. Why didn't I grab it? Live it? Why did I just let it drown? You see, i'll never get it back. I let those go. Why can't I let this go?

sleep? mhm....
yes, sleep.
good night.

I Guess No One Said This Would Be Easy.

Brooke is: eating a sandwich
pertending she is happy
listening to Rilo Kiley (because she knows no other way of making things better)
dreading work
should be doing english
in need of a hug or two
sick of people asking if she's okay
thinking of skipping choir tonight
really, really cold
sick of people telling her to eat more
Wishing maybe that tomorrow will be okay.
Wishes she was somewhere else.
Wishes that people would stop asking about the bruises
Wishes she could just close her eyes until things were better again.

{ listening intently } I feel the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees. And maybe ours, is the cause of all mankind. Give love to make more, try to stay alive.

At Such A Great Height.

Mood.... look, look! It's... happy. :)

Beautiful Things about Todays:
* No Math Teacher
* Chad: Not Laughing. (and no. i don't believe you.)
* Keeping Andy
* Two notes.
* Dressing dorky and not even feeling it. (a dress and cut up tights is so the way to go. oh and flats.)
* Hugs
* Lunchtime.
* Grapefruit pop
* good hair days
* An Adventure.
* Broken Social Scene
*Dancing in the empty classroom (almost. :) ) all by myself (or so i thought)
* Yet another "song for me" from Bryce
* Laughing with Kate
* Not doing art and not breaking a pencil
* Metric!
* Writing letters
* Mr. Hinz stories
* Hanging out with Chrissy tonight!
* Curtis is out to get Jay and Chris for being perverted boys to me and andy. and to that test lab for sticking that needle in my arm for 5 minutes!
* Yes. My awesome dodgeball team is going to rule tomorrow, that is right. :).
* Two new bands to like

Ha. And the afternoon song is: (Oh So Postal Service)

'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suitLike a perfect gentlemenI'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick Where you will sit and contemplate your day I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink I'll be the photograph that plays your favorite Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...You won't have to strain to look into my eyes I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat With the collar up so you won't catch a coldI want to take you far from the cynics int his town And kiss you on the mouth We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,Start a brand new colony Where everything will change,We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)The sun will heat the grounds Under our bare feet in this brand new colony, Everything will change...

let's do something crazy, k?

:).

xx.

Deeper.

Jesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heart
Lord my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord...

Tonight. Tomorrow. And the next day...
I believe you.
That brings a smile to my heart. Because, for tonight, things are alright.

I Know You're There But I Can't Feel You

please excuse this blog, it's just my feelings tonight, feelings that I want to be okay again,

One thing I want so bad at the moment: Is to feel God. I know he' s there, but I don't feel him. I doubt so much, I complain so much, and yet he's here, he is.
Let's amend this classic story; close it so beautifully. I'll let amionsity unwind, steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully, i'll still feel the violence of the lines: God Called In Sick Todays.
Why can't I just take that into hand and.... I do my devotions, I go to church, I talk to him, but it's just... not... right. You know? And i don't know how to change that. I don't get know to get back to him, is it that I make things right with myself before I go back to him? Sure, I talk to him and ask him about it, but how am I supposed to know the awnsers? Sure, i'll say I need an experience, something like camp, but. I don't think that's what I need. I mean, it'd be nice but... I don't know, does anyone understand? Sorry. I'm a little broken tonight. Well, I guess it started....
Take this as you like, but please, please don't judge, please don't take "me" differently:
I went to the doctors this morning. I don't know, if you've been reading my blog anytime then you probably knew the syptoms I was suffering with. Well, bascially she cut down everything and quetsioned me like only a therapist should be doing. She told me I need to cut down things from my life, first on the list, working. She says I am underweight and I need to gain weight. She asked me quetsions about my eating appetites and my concern for my weight, and things that have been bothering me and... She says i need to go on meds. Like, what kind of meds? Well. Let's not go into this. then she made me get my blood taken at this other lab, and on my way there my truck spun out and that's where I was sick. I was sick of everything. But I was angry. I was angry at her because the way she talked to me as if she knew what was going on with me. And my Mom flipped and now she's onto this whole big thing about asking me quetsions and counscellors and...
I don't want to feel like this. I really didn't need it. I thought i was good, and things were fine but. I don't know where I am now. right now, no. I just want to live life the way I have been. I mean, with God. but.
the whole day wasen't bad, I promise. I am in a fine mood I guess, I just don't really feel like I should be. I spent the afternoon at the library: just me and Eva Casidy and my art books and my notebook. And that was fine, I got some stuff done. I wandered the mall for a while, and ate a bagel AND soup for lunch just to prove her wrong, even though I felt really sick after. and wandered some more. Then Zach came and, well. I know he'll be reading this soon enough, so just thanks. You get me and you let me talk and I don't know how to explain it, but thanks.
The ride home was okay, although kinda icy. And when I got home Chad called for coffee, but I wasn't allowed. Which is quite fine, although I was happy to be invited. Mhm. Man, I just sound horrible, I realy need to get ontop of this whole negative thing, I really do.
Thanks for reading. Really. That in itself means much.

You Hold The Universe, You Hold Everyone On Earth, You Hold the Universe. Hold me tonight, please.

I See It.

what is it that helps us get back on the track again? Life is a long, long road and getting on and off track seems to be totally all of it that it is. But you have to have the lows to be on top. Staying on top is something so perfect, so perfect that we never really will...? I see: a ray of light. It is far off, but it is there, and there is enough comfort in that fact. So: I am smiling, even though my feet hurt and my eyes as well, and what I really could go for right now is a coffee. I love rides. Any kind. It's dorky, but tis is true enough. There is something so pretty about something so simple. For a second there, the excitement in it is thrilling enough, to forget. It is closing your eyes and escaping from the world. I am one so scared of reality, but not the unknown. Escaping is nice. This is what this weekend has been, escaping from the reality of all that is home. I love the fact that a Chapters and a Starbucks (heading there as soon as Mom returns) are only blocks away, and high speed internet at my fingertips, and sometimes, all those crowds of people make me excited: that is why I am destined to be a city girl: even if it is only for a bit of my life. Althoguh sometimes those crowds makes me lonely, but who can help that? I mean, you are surronded by groups of friends, and lots of couples, and you just wish you had someone with you, even if it's quiet. Even if it's quiet. Returning home will be my reality: how i handle it is my choice. So: Im trying to figure out how this will be done. But i miss people. I am more then thankful for friends. I had so many gorgeous conversations last night, ones that will not be forgotten. There is nothing better. There is nothing better then people that accept you through and through, and care enough to listen when your troubled, or feel comfortable enough to share with you what is going on with them. I could go on, but all i really want to say is: Thanks. It's funny because my thoughts seem to be more together and much more substantial in my mind, but is when I write in this blog that they are lost and so mixed up, but I guess it is the way that it is supposed to be, I guess? Anyways. Leave me a comment or two, an e-mail, anything! xx. Listening: Copeland: In Motion (guess who picked that one up?)

To The Extent That It's Absurd.

So, this is going to be an entry consisting of a mix of thoughts from both days that I've been gone. I started one last night, but I got distracted by wonderful coversations with beautiful people whom I am privledged to know, :) I apologize for the layout of this entry, it's not letting me move the previous stuff up, so it's kinda annoying but I think it is still readable, yes? :: Thursday, November 10/ 05

long drives make everything else seem so clear. We, I, take advantage of what we have around us... there is so much beauty in a simple tree, a simple sky, in a stranger we see walking down the street. Long drives make me appreciate my surronding. We are oh so blind. It's funny when we talk about a scenic point, for example, Niagera Falls and saying it is truely amazing. I mean, oh yes that it is, but have we stopped to see what we have in our own hometown/ home area? Hm. that is just something that i have realized. I would like a walk right now. A walk in the rain. With the lights shining pretty and the noise in the way, but not really, wish I had a companion... So this is has been a good night for conversation. It's one of those nights where everybody seems to be kind of maybe going through the same thing, and so it is alot easier to relate, you know? It's been good, anyway, Well. I have so much more to say but I am a bit busy, so I decided not to post this entry up, because it is lacking in... well. Words. And defnitely substance. Friday, November 11/ 05 It is the end of the day (nearly) when we become aware of how worn out we really are. So my so called sickness, is heading the direction of being from stress. And, its easy to deny that when I feel like I spend so much time doing aboustely nothing (you know... long hours on msn, etc) But then I look back on the events that have happened the past few weeks and it makes somewhat more sense. The question "What is new?" is asked so often in conversations, that we find ourself saying "Nothing" even if we really do have something going on: We are afraid of what they will think, or if the subject is not important enough to be brought up: But yet we have to realize how much people really do care, and really are willing to hear you out: This is something that is being made clear. I have so many real, real awesome friends and I take advantage of that fact. So thank you. All of you. You do not know how much of me you make up, ha. I am a bit overwhelmed. By people and crowds and more people. And tired. And my feet hurt. I have changed. I used to love big malls full of lots of people and big stores full of clothes that were to like and buy: and now i am the opposite. I am sick of tons of people, and walking and the oppertunity to spend money. My favorite thing about today was Starbucks, some cool new shoes and people watching. I love to people watch. Dream up their situations, and dream up their personality and wonder am I missing out? Not knowing them. Them being strangers? Hm. I guess I will never know.... ? I want life in every word to the extent that it is absurd:: I've been thinking alot about this lately. What I make life out to be, and how I should. I take for granted what I have, what I can have, what I can see, what I should see; etc. etc. So: this is my forever goal. Each and every aspect of my day means something... yes, whether good or bad. But it's beautiful. Because it's life, it's living. and that's all I Really have to do right now. :). I am going to include some lyrics of a song by a wonderful band named Copeland. I've been listening to them all night here. These lyrics make more sense, then well... sense? Smiles to all, I love you each. Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. But somehow, I hear your song resound: A little bit softer each day. And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. You have my attention, like you've had all the while. Since the first day you made my heart smile, with loving eyes and tired sighs that flow. You have my attention, like a shout through a empty sanctuary. Speak but a whisper, i'll hear a sermon. I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. I'll sing along, the whole night through. While you sleep safely, i'm thinking about you. You Have My Attention.

It is Okay.

Sleep. I think the thing I dislike most is trying to get into that, and never getting there. I. Well, let's just say I didn't get much sleep last night, two hours at the most? Why? I do not know. All I know was that I was still up at 5:15. What is going on with me? Well. Things are going on, but you think that sleeping would come good and fine. To pass the time I faintly remember a poem or two that I wrote, looking at stars, watched Breakfast at Tiffanys on the laptop and endless amounts of music, and reading a little, as well. I don't know how I will ever catch up, but I think i am feeling okay this afternoon. I mean, I tried to sleep but there are people here replacing the shingles on the roof and this is the afternoon my Mom's piano practicing afternoon. I think I am okay. Scars defnitely heal, there is the point where you just have to forget about it and look it at as it's life, and things will get better, even if that is not in the near time. God is good, and as much as all of this hurts, he's still with me, and I always have him by my side. As well, thank you guys for the comments, it means alot to me (!)
So for my sickness it seems to be getting worse. I have lost my appetite so much where it as I eat a meal a day, and a little bit of coffee and am sick to my stomach full at the end of it. The sleeping thing, well last night was bad, that has never happened. And the hair situation? As bad, I think. And the headaches are more frequent, and the dizziness as well. So, im going to the doctor on monday, and I am sure looking forward to that, get this checked out and over with.
Tonight, I work once again. But for that, I am okay with. Work is life, and I am thankful that I have a job adleast, espesically a job where my friends are my coworkers and my bosses are like real cool versions of my parents. I am off to Edmonton tomrorow, through sunday. Which i am not looking forward to, as much as I should be. Sure, it'll be fun and good but that sounds like a long time. Anyways, feel free to leave beautiful messages on my cellphone (all expenses paid, by myself, :) ) and I am going to find out where I can get some internet access, I am defnitely bringing the laptop along. I'll get some reading and writing done, and Starbucks all the time, and i'll make my dad ride the roller coastor 4 times in a row with me, but only in the front row, because you defnitely don't get the full experience then.
Love. xx.

What has become of this? Its near 2 a.m and I sleeping is impossible. I've got you on the top of my head, and I don't think you will ever fall from there. Getting away is on my mind. Can you come now? Can we lose ourselves now? Can we just push the doubts and the worries aside, and you just take my hand. I just don't think I know where I am now, I think that has slipped away. Why can't it be right? Why can't this be okay? Nothings right. Nothing is right without you.

So Much That It Hurt.

What is it, life? What is that it seems to throw so much trouble in our lives when it's going tough? Why it is when we feel we cannot take anymore, it throws more tough stuff. I just... I am sick of feeling like I wish that I could escape. I am sick of feeling that I am on my own. I feel. Just. Sick. I mean, that probably contribuates to the way I am handling things, but. I just want to crawl into bed and cry, with some Sigur Ros and Damien Rice... but no, work I go, school I go, worship and choir practice, I go, among other things. If you could only push those things aside for a while so you can make things right again. How do we get to "right"? I mean, I know it has something to do with attitude but this has been tough, and I don't really feel like being positive about it. I am being very vague, and that's how I am. Maybe i'll never tell anybody what is really, really bugging me. But i will tell you this:
What is it with people in this freaking town? I will rant about this, cause I do not feel guilt about it. Why don't feelings matter? So. I break up with this guy. Cause I feel unhappy, crowded, cause I feel it is not working out and we were never meant to be, better off friends. I tell this guy, who normally is the happiest-go-lucky kind of guy. And it ruins him. He turns into this totally different guy. And I am the one blamed, the one that suffers for it, I am the one shafted. I mean, not totally shafted, but it's mostly the guys. And sure it's sweet, they all stick up for their friend,and it's cool, but I majorly thought we were friends! i just don't... get it, how my feelings don't seem to matter. Never mind. I will live.
What bascially made the day good today was a tall Pumpkin Spice Latte and Lily on my lap. Lily is the most gorgeous kid you'll ever meet, so much that it hurts. I am currently sitting at a 86 in math, 87 in history, and a 73 in ART- that just angers me hardcore. It's art. But. Whatever, report cards are tomorrow, so I hope everything is good and fine.
If anyone would like to talk tonight, or e-mail or anything. I work 5-9 tonight, so if you want to call around 9:30ish, that would be sweet, but if not, that is cool too. K?
Goodbye.

To Escape.

After sanctification it is difficult to state what your aim in life is, because God has taken you up into his purpose by the Holy Ghost; he is using you now for purposes throughout the world as he used his son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself- God has called me for this and that- you are putting a barrier to God's use of you. As long as you have personal interest in your own character, or any set ambition, you cannot get into identification with God's interests. You can only get there by losing forever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into his purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways. {Oswald Chambers}

Was reading the devotions tonight, and I came across that all. I don't ask God enough what he wants. I tend to get carried away, and as much as dreaming is fun and awesome, do my dreams fit into his plan? I think God can use me in many great ways, can use anyone, whether it be a pro athlete or a teacher; etc. As long as we have faith in and trust in him to put us where he wants us to serve, something like that, anyway.
This has been a hard day. This has been a day where i'd rather not speak of anything, where I wish I could just escape, escape to something that is quiet and where I can be alone. I'm kind of a freak. I love being alone. I hope I don't push people away, because I know I am so capable of that. I wish to close my eyes and escape, yes. Escape to somewhere that it not so unreal that it has to be found through medication, or anything like that. Just escape. This has been a day where as much as I wish people would just leave me alone, I wish they wouldn't, you know? Like, maybe my crys are loud enough to be heard. by someone who cares and would just want to talk, although maybe I am not the best companion. Tomorrow will be better, or more so I like to think...
Thanks for reading.
Love.

listening: Shadowlands, Ryan Adams.

Don't…ohh (smash)
Please don't…ohh (I do, please, another one)
Don't…ohh (smash)Please don't…ohh (I do, please, another one)
You're gonna throw it all away, with no hesitation (Smash)

Lie In The Sound.

dreams. I am not a girl of reality, and not that practical. I like to spend hours "Away" within myself dreaming of experiences and places i have never been, but would give anything too. I have always been in another world, and it is somewhat silly, I have realized. But there is truely nothing better then getting lost in a world that you have designed for yourself, perfect. Like, sometimes I wish I could just escape.. to that world, to that commune. Where the scenery is crazy perfect, and there will defnitely be a Starbucks. And a big, big library. And music: Always. And weather being like -1- +10. Sweater and boots weather. There is something more romantic about that. And the sky is always clear, so there is lots of stars. I love Stars. and there has to be some mountains, and a beach... because the beach is nice when it's cold- just the stars and the sounds and a blanket or three. And lots of lights to light up that water. And lots of big buildings, and a polaroid camera. And that music has to be live. And travelling. And Mountains. And lots of snow on those mountains... and. I don't know. I get lost.
I wish every night was as simple as to be perfect enough with conversation, and maybe a coffee. I live for those kinds of people, that can find that beautiful. That is my goal for life: to find beauty in the simple things and just... live. We get caught up in so many little things, and so many little worries. I have been caught up in this lately, and I've just decided to give this to God, let him figure it out, because I can't do it on my own. Obviously.
So. Hold me up to this, kay? Because I'd really like to see where I am going with that.

For a lack of better words to say, All I said was goodnight. I won’t sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you.

Things, change. Oh so fast.
It has been something that has consuming my thoughts lately. How we are with someone, and then we're not. We are friends with someone, and then suddenly are not. We are close with God, and suddenly not. Circumstances in are life seem to move so quickly from one place to the next, and all we can do is stand back and watch it happen...? I used to hate change. I remember once crying when we got a new truck. Say, don't laugh, I was like 7, but. I hate how we have no control over it. If I could keep some things in my life the same, I would have, grab onto them and put them in my pocket, without no quetsion of "Can I keep you?" It's funny because all this change has affected who we are and who are we are going to be. I will not get it, and I find it hard to let go of memories, to not let them consume me when times are bad. And good.
"What If..." What if this hadn't happened... man alive, I hate that. Defnitely do. I have to stop thinking that, it'll ruin me, I am quite possibly sure. This topic remains the way it is until I think of someway to continue it, which will not come to me tonight. Ah. Its 12:30 already.
So.... it snowed! The first snowfall. and I am... physched. It's magic outside. I promise you. Go make a snow angel for me, i'll remember it forever. Baby, it's cold outside! Ha, can you tell i've been listening to Ella Fitzgerald? I think yes. And... Norah Jones. And songs about winter by matt pond PA. So I did that whole Father- Daughter banquet thing tonight. Kinda awkward, but our thing turned out okay, and for that I am totally glad. Ha Brian was the funniest MC Ever! Aw man, I so miss being a ballerina with Claire...! And Angie (double yay!) and me went to sabines after, and I had a tall mocha and that totally made me happy. And we cut my hair a little, and added some bangs which is pretty sweet.. and now i am tired. Tired of typing, and tired of things being rather blurry. So sweet dreams, allll.
p.s. the title came from... well I can't quite remember at the moment, but I liked it.

I Just Need This To Be Alright.

So. It is done. It's over with.
Relief? Defnitely. The weight of my heart feels slightly less, and the whole thing seemed 200 times easier then I stressed about. I mean... the thing was eating away at my heart for basically, the whole week, and I was just so unhappy with it. And it's funny because it probably took more courage doing that then breaking up with a boyfriend of ten months! And I'm... happy? I am in computer lab, wishing I could check the e-mail, right now, listening to some Iron and Wine and typing away with the risk of a whole bunch of 6th graders reading this... but. And I can't believe it. .... wow. So I should probably let Alex know as I said I would, and get on this speech for tonight, but. I feel more like blogging now.
So. I am the biggest geek, and today I feel it. Ha, the fact that I just walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror at my hair, which I left for school this morning, it being wet and somewhat scrunched into waves... and it is messy. No one, I repeat no one would walk around school with their hair like that, But me... hey. The fact that I spend almost all my spares in this computer lab blogging, reading real long music interviews and listening to music that no one in this school does. The fact that I sit at the coffee shop alone, studying or doing homework... and the fact that I actually do my homework, that is pretty geeky, or so someone said to me todays. The fact that I enjoy coloring little kids coloring books and swings and defnitely playing spy, and the fact that I yell at little kids (no worries.. only junior high ones) if they are in my way, and enjoy it. The fact that I was so excited the other day about going to the library, and then leaving the library without about 200 items... among other things. So... what?
But I am done now, because writing in here seems to take the point out of all of this, it feels as if everyone is watching, and well, they proabably are.
I will write tonight, possibly. Good night all

Right.

Tonight things just don't feel right with me. I feel... tired. And sick. And the fact that I haven't ate anything nourishing since sunday makes me wonder... and the fact that I am horribly tired each and every minute in the day, although I lie in bed for endless hours. And my hair! my dear hair... it is falling out. Ok, not in real scary big clumps or anything but more then usual, enough to notice. And Im not supposed to go off caffeine now, because I might be addicted. And well, my Mom dosen't have time to take me to the doctor... not till Saturday, anyway. So. All is not right with me, I guess physically then. Mentally? Heck no. I am into something bigger then me. I've tryed to do this thing alone, but i gave up... this one is God's. Tonight, I got lost. Yes. sounds stupid. On my way home, I can do the route in my sleep. But apparently not, no. The fog screwed me over and before I knew it I was on my phone crying to my Mom. Crying. Gosh. To my Mom... who I came in and told her the whole story about this whole thing.. I tryed it, but we don't work. I like this person, but this isen't working! And it won't work... tomorrow, or the next day or for a long while, until I somehow get my act together I guess. So. Have I done anything to end it? No! I play along with it, as if his prescence makes me forget everyhing that I am saying. It's bad enough to get hurt in result of another person, but then hurting somebody else! I can't stand it! I can't stand... this. I'm unhappy. Can't he see it? Can't he see that we don't work? I cherish his friendship, we are better off friends.. we are. Ugh.
So I found out that a old friend (ish?) of mine was angry at me. Wonderful, because she never makes an effort to talk to me, so I usually just ignore her, thinking that will make her happier, me not in her way. But. She dosen't know me. And she is angry with me about something that she has NOTHING to do with. I can't stand it. I know she is as lost as I am but this hurts. I hate the fact that I ticked her off, without even being in her prescence, and that the decisions I make effect her enough to make her angry with me. This one's God's, as well.
The season has changed, and that makes it more sad, and the reasoning will remain anyanmous. (sp?) Just yesterday I was walking downtown in fishnets. Today I was scraping ice off my windsheild. Funny how it goes, so fast, oh so fast. and then it's gone. Am I doing a good job? Am i making the most? I don't know. I really doubt it. November is my worst month, and here I am entering it not headstrong at all, I am feeling... the opposite.. and that scares me.
Choir tonight. Alto notes are hard, but I'm enjoying the songs. Work was good too. School was... fine. My iPod's broken. And guess what? The last thing to trigger anger tonight, is the fact that I have to speak with my sister on Friday at a "Father- Daughter Banquet" about my Dad. Gosh, that makes me so freaking mad... and it shouldn't. What should we talk about? The fact that...
Never mind. I have to remember the fact that people read this, ha.
Tonight, I am sad. But I pray for tomorrow... for a new day. A new day to wake up happy, even if life isen't agreeing with me. Something like that.

More.

I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

Perfect. Days like these are the days that make life what it is. These are the days where I am happy- a coffee in my hand, music in my ears, fishnets, my vans,messy rockabily hair... ; me. I want oh so much more from life. I want each and every day and each and every moment, and soak it all up. I want to find beauty in each person I encounter, in each circumstance that I experience, in.... all.
It's hard to find inspiration when your walking in the mall, and everything seems the same, and each and everyone does seem the same. But each are different, although appearence may decieve. It's easy to pinpoint a person you've never met and judge, because you don't understand them. Understanding people is like understanding life-- you may never, but you begin too each and every day. Today I am inspired to be MORE. And see .... MORE.
I left at noon for the S'toon. I took a walk downtown, with my camera and my iPod. That was good... how I love cities, lots of people... different people, strangers. Went into the library and ended up picking up more then a few awesome cds, and some books... photography ones too. I hung out at Starbucks for a while, mainly writing and just watching people, and writing some more. Found a nice pair of boots, and bought em. Bought Love is Hell, Ryan Adams, Destination: Beautiful, Mae -- and not regretting either. Value Village offered me nothing, but that I am okay with. Hung out at Mcnally for a while, but it was kind of crowded so I left fast. Been watching a movie with my parents for the past while and waiting for Bryce and Chirssy to call again. Waiting... for.... oh, I don't know. For me to make up my mind. Because in not doing so, I am hurting others, and I know that, but it's just so hard.
Good night guys... Love you all, each and every one of you is a peice of inspiration, and that I mean.


Listening to: Mae " Skyline Drive", "Sun". Ryan Adams "Political Scientist" "Avalanche"