if your looking for me, make sure you look under piles of all things to do. My things to do.

I've lost my words.
Now i've lost my time.

Let these things continually remind me how truely self righteous I am.

Who cares if im having a bad week? It dosen't matter. None of it matters.


Why did we say we would never let this happen again?
It continues to happen. In big and small ways.
Why do we cast hatred on someone who is not much different then ourselves? Why do we feel the need to?

We make this continous game of blood and hate continue. Everyday. By, not doing anything.

Why do we just stand here? We are the guilty ones. We are the ones letting this happen.

And i'm sick to my stomach of myself.

So, this begins. Please check it out:
http:/www.millionvoicesfordarfur.org/

Hopefully this weekend, God will help me begin this process in order to alter myself to someone who he wants me to be, to someone that won't just sit around.
Because, I do it again and again. Day after day.

so God sent an angel for me todays.

I can't even explain it.
Except how thankful I am.

so when you ask if theres something wrong.

your right.
but we can't talk about it right now.

i've had about enough.




i don't even want to explain. I do really good at playing my part. (just so you know)

so i've had a xanga for a while.
but it was used only for subscriptions to some pretty crazy photographers in whom i admire.

Im making use of it. I posted a couple of blogs there... I might ditch it. We'll see. I like it so far though... that may change. I think this online thing is driving me over a cliff... all these accounts to all these crazy sites that are bascially the same... except well on Xanga, you can play with code more. Ive become such a html dork. I hate it.

anyways: try it out. You might like it too:
http://www.xanga.com/sheis_justbrooke

Why Don't the Buildings Cry?

I don't really know how I can be so stressed out about something, but leave it be and completely ignore it and do other pointless things in it's place. I hate the internet. I mean... I love it. But too many distractions.

I was making a collage for my myspace today and stupid photobucket totally screwed my pictures over. But its okay. I mean, it only took 834728 hours. :)

So. I'm really excited for Bright Eyes. I'm still in disbelief with the fact that he is actually going to be in Saskatoon. I love it though. I just don't want to get sold out to some girl who's going to be screaming "I Love Conor Oberst! eeeeeeee!" the whole time. I mean, sure, I love Conor Oberst too. But i'm not going to advertise it.

Not going to work is such a weird feeling to me, still. I'm not sure if I like it. I have WAY too much free time. But I really don't. Because I should be doing my physchology 24/7. And it's hard. It really is.

Im super glad Chrissy is home from California... and Andy from Calgary, and everyone from Timber Bay although I am super jealous I didn't get to go. This spring break flew by way too fast. Winnipeg was good. I spent alot of time here at home. Oh... Alli and I had such a great day yesterday. We went on a mini road trip/ picture taking spree/ picnic. I love laughing with her... when we get stuck in mud, and when gas jockeys crack lame jokes, crazy ladies come out of abandonded houses, and veichiles come out of nowhere, and when we run over roadkill. um. Last night was good. Bryce left for Ottawa today... so Chrissy and him and I went out for coffee and I got this sweet coloring book from Chrissy. Mhm.. coffee. I so miss not having 2 cups a meal like I did at Omas. Oh, Last night was perfect. I swear it was.

Today wasen't so. I napped some. I love taking naps.. I never used to be able but now I always feel tired. I guess it's the little bit left from me being sick. Agh. I don't want to go to the doctors because... well. If you know the situation, then you know why. If you don't know, then I probably don't want you to know. So.

I hate that I haven't wrote about anything particular in here lately. I really don't feel like that lately. I just don't feel like talking any. I just want to take a walk and look at stars and listen to music. Oh... how I love music. mhmmm.

Goodnight, All.
Leave a comment? Heck... you don't have to. But i like them.

(iPod: Shout Out Louds, Badly Drawn Boy, Minus the Bear, Sonya Kitchell)

Here Comes Summer Beaming Through My Bedroom Window...

I have just finished cleaning my room top to bottom, wall to wall. Now, I have to go rake leaves for 2 hours. THEN I get to come in and do physchology.

Sigh. I just love spring break.

minus-- suprise visitors at work, Winnipeg, grandparents, Pacific Art Gallery, my new coat, "campfires" with friennds, Alli Alli, chrissy coming home in a day, Flunk (mhm. listenplease?), and no school.

Todays feels like sunshine. Admist the few dark clouds.

(playing: Flunk and Acceptance. thatsall... lately)

Nothing speaks louder right now then how truely blessed I am.

An abundance of letters, pictures, handmade pictures, crafts, mini books, mixtapes, poems, cards, words of encouragement, memories, awards, certicifates; etc. First it seemed like a pain... them all falling off my closet shelf and onto my floor.

I know it was for a reason. We all need be reminded sometimes how lucky we are.

i think i want to switch to a xanga.

or a livejournal. i don't know.

Come to Think of It... may this be change?

home.

I think that this weekened was the best thing for me in a long, long time.
I've fallen short of everything I once have been. My last day at work was Thursday. And I don't care? I've fallen short in my relationship with God... not like it once was. I've completely became bored of everything that once interested me. I've lost friendships with people I was once friends with. I turned down grad escort dates, and oppertunties for after Colorado and I don't care?

Sigh. The thing is I do care. But the action in caring I have not yet grabbed ahold of. Im getting closer through... I really am.

My regrets about this weekend is that it wasen't much about Easter itself. Skipping such an important holiday like that sets itself up for a different kind of year. BUT things happened on their own. Two cousins I haven't seen in a couple of years due to a divorce, where they have refused to stop coming to see their dad (my uncle) came for an afternoon to share in their dad's birthday celebrations, as well as my Oma's (grandma) 75th.
The whole weekened we were blessed with +20s weather. Also, my aunt and uncle and cousin, Kris, in whom is a good friend and lots of fun happened to get time off and came out from Kelowna which was good. We mostly just hung around home and took lots of walks down to the river and the bridge nearby... the water is really high. On the way there we saw farms flooded, and the only escape be a speedboat or a canoe. Roads washed over and closed. It was really sad... and made me even more glad to live in the place i live, although I defnitely like to complain/ ridicule it alot. We also went to the Royal Crowne Revolving Resturant... which is kind of a tradition, but a special one. And the Forks. And i got some fabulous new Value Village shoes. And it was SO good to see my Oma and Opa since I haven't seen them since my last last Christmas. or something. And my Aunt offered a place of residence for my schooling years... Kelowna? It's alot. There is just alot to be thankful for.

This week I plan on not much. Well.. some. BUT honestly give me call or something if you bored or in need of a person to accompany you on a walk (its so nice) or for a coffee for conversation, etc.
AND Bright Eyes= here= July! Going?! I must. I will KILL for a ticket.

(on iPod: Cat Power (always), Neko Case, The Elected (I loved that concert), Minus the Bear, Acceptance, Wolf Parade, SUFJAN STEVENS)

I've Been Pushed Aside.

i really wish you could understand the way my words work. Right now everything is contemplative... right now everything is undone. I try so hard to put this all back together as it once was, but i fail. Don't you understand? I just lost everything I once was. I wish with everything I have, that that season would have changed faster.

But.. now... don't do this to me, April. Enough has been taken.




((new photos posted on http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com))

I wish i had time to waste. I wish I could say to you to come and waste my time... but the truth is, whenever you do, it's not that.
You make these days so much easier... and you don't even know.

And I Believe Nothing Has Changed.

Sometimes I think it would hurt so much less if I was associated with no one.
I think it's too easy to be lonely.

I don't know if anything belongs to me anymore. I can't find an interest in things I used too. In anything.
Why is far away that draws me in? I don't even know how to be here anymore. I've slipped into that place through my dreams and I can't get enough of it. Because there is nothing better.

What if the thing that your supposed to settle for less is reality? How do you go back to a life (your life) and work on living again? And what if... you don't want too...
And i'm really sick of making myself (do anything. Let's just forget.)

Please. Just forget.

And I can't help but ask myself how much i'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.

... Lately i'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.

Loneliness has nothing to do with happiness or circumstances.

I'm not going to take for granted, the fact that life seems to be on track lately, but loneliess always seems to take me in and i give into it's oblivion.
I don't feel like i'll ever rid of that feeling...
And even if I could, I do not even know how. I will never be satisfied, and in saying that I sound ignorant and snobby, but it is just the way it is. Maybe I don't know how to be satisifed... I will always the one looking for something more... something better...

... But its hopeless. I'm just going to run into a wall, trying to look for something better. What is so wrong with being content? I just can't get this one down... disatisifed a friend told me I was. Well... its true. And I always have been. And there's a tiny trace of hope in me that the next place will offer more then this one has. Because... I really can't remember it ever being good.

If your convinced of who I am...

then think again.
Because I'm a Liar, a Fake, a Mess, a Cheat and...

But Then Again,
aren't we all?

Love, Do You Need Me Now?
Because I've let you down because i've already let you go.
And you don't even know.

Don't Take That Too.

Why would you ask me to discuss reality vs. dreams?

Dreaming is the only thing I have.

It's the reason I get out of bed in the morning...
You can't take that away from me too.

Theres a reason reality has nothing to do with dreams. Because... in dreams, anything can happen. It's so much better then reality... because reality confines. Anything can't happen in reality. Reality is...
disapointing.
There's nothing disapointing about a make believe world. Nothing.

Take Me Back To The Stars.

I want to badly to be wrong about people. I want more anything, to Love someone. In loving, that means I would trust.
But I remember why I never did in the first place, days like today. So maybe i'm nothing but a tragedy.

Don't think you know me.
Only like me for who I am.
doyouhearme?

Ohyeah... and I quit my job todays.

Do you know what these walls have done to me? No, you don't get it. Don't think you get it. My nights are a trace of bad dreams... I don't sleep anymore.

This is the ninth day. Im just royally sick of this. The speaks truer then anything else.

And don't keep memories if you don't value them. Adleast give them to someone who does. I havent forgotten.

I wish I had, though.

I Want A Lover I Don't Have to Love.

I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a guy who's too sad to give a care.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sureI got the money if you've got the time

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you..But you...you write
such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
then hurt me..then hurt me...then hurt me...

Not all these words ring true for me, but alot of them speak louder then I could ever. Leave it to Conor Oberst to write another song that screams everything I've been trying to say.

Yeah I Said It- I Need You SO Much Closer.

darn.

I have this::
http://www.cdc.gov/flu/keyfacts.htm

yeah, read that.
See you next week!
:p.

I Cant Remember What Friday Was Like.

I don't like waking up in a hospital bed. I don't like being in bed for 4 days straight. Im sick of popsicles, jello, gingerale and chicken noddle soup, I'd rather eat nothing. I hate needles, I hate having tons of needles even more. I don't like missing school and schoolwork and bottle drive and hockey games and my Grandma's birthday, and so on. I don't like not being able to get up. I don't like coughing until it hurts.

yeah... so this is where i'm at right now. Im kinda honestly questioning this winter. I think i've been sick the majority of it. And i have another doctors appointment tomorrow morning but I don't really have the strength to drive myself, since today was the first day I had strength to go wash my hair. I know it's gross. But... i feel horrid.
So, if you could keep me in your prayers, that'd be lovely. I honestly don't have all that much more to say except I hope your all doing great. :)

I Need YOU So Much Closer

It Wasen't 3 Hours, 11 Minutes Now, Was It?

Highways help you remember that life goes on.
Bridges help to remind you that there is a connection.
Blue skies and sunshine remind you of hope.
Old friends help you remember that there was good times.
Bright Eyes helps me remember every single broken peice of this year.
Loosing helps to remind you to be humble.
Almost accidents remind you what it feels like to be alive.
Pictures help remind of you memories.
Laughter reminds me that there is sunshine in this darkness. And that... I don't laugh with no one like I do when i'm with Kate.
Mean glances and conversations help you remind you that this world is perfect by no means. And that people just get the best of you.
Roadtrips help to remind you that there is such thing as getting out.
Accidents remind you that death exists, later or not.
Art reminds you that there are some intelligent people left in this world.
Friends help remind you that someone loves you.

So... this is for today, each statement had something to do with it.
Enjoy.

my application for a rescue.

I couldn't remember why I loved you, when the abstraction of that stop sign dominated my view
Tonight, you highlighted every piece of your betrayal,
Tonight, you just made it so much easier to conceal my being in tuesday night's difference.

My steps disappeared in a accumulated disaster. My desire for evasion displayed my strength in the escape, but these steps, they are never abstained. They are always broken. By you.

How can you color me with every backbiting lie and except me to adhere to the belonging you boast?
Well I scream in hopes of advertising every single bit of my heart that's been broken.
And I scream in hopes of my voice being spoken among each mouth that's here to understand me.


It's they that don't understand. That, all of this, just can't be spoken, Among any mouth. These screams, and this hurt is home. And they don't get the reality of the consquence. You just don't get the reality of the consquence.
So, Here it stays.

You Said Theres Nothing Left For You, Well I Guess You Meant Me Too.

i think alot of things have been blow up to proportion lately.
and i think that sometimes i feel guilty for feeling lonely. that i feel guilty for feeling hurt. that i feel guilty for feeling... sad.
...but there is no use for complaining. No use for me, or for you.
The word "emo' has been blown out of proportion these days. There's different kinds. Emo like "Oh that kid cuts his wrists" or they "Dress emo" Get over it. I hate stereotypes. But I hate fakers even more.
Get over the fact that everything isen't good and fine, and sometimes you need to cry about it. Stuff happens, and you react to it. There is nothing worse then feeling numb. Life isen't all fine. And life isen't all darkness. There's a fine line in the middle and your oblivious to it. Sometimes you need to scream about it. That's real. And that's the only thing you have to hold onto right now.
But... move on. There is a light in this tunnel. Your just not looking hard enough.
Im not looking hard enough.

There has to be dark and muddy waters to give the sun something to background it's flasing glory. ("A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith)

Best:
1) snowboarding monday maybemaybe. who wants to come?
2) new photoblog. nothings really posted yet but keep checking: http://saidinaphotograph.blogspirit.com
3) no homework. no work. no work tomorrow. call me, we'll hang out :)

I Won't Forget The Way You Said "Move On. There's no point in waiting"

God has this way of waking you up in ways you never imagined. In subtle ways. Like in another's simple prayer, or the word "lazy" or a line of a old hymn.
its my own fault i keep on falling asleep.

it's like when your alarm goes off, but you just faintly hear it because the tuning on the radio isen't right. It's like you wishng you would have checked that last night, but glad you heard it.

... i heard it.
I'm glad I heard it.
Sometimes I don't wish that it was louder.

But then it's hard to get up.
It's hard to get back into the routine.

trying. im trying...
move on. theres no point in waiting...

And I Better Wake Up.

the snow has seemed to overwhelm the area, like it's taken enough and it's not sure how much more it can. It's not suited for.
Im not suited for.
School has became a place where dread going. I don't sleep well at night before it, I stress over it minute to minute. I stress over friends, the amount of the day it takes up, the work that goes with it. the activities that go with it.
Winter is always the most hardest.
Summer come? soon? please?

And it's not like i'm even having a bad night. Im just here with "maps" and the album leaf. Im going snowboarding tomorrow...
Priorities come and go, and whether you choose the right one first is i guess, your decision. my decision. my wrong decision.
and im okay... im leaving in september. I guess the final conclusion to next year has came: Capernwray in Colorado. Why is that when we look forward to a decision made, that we dread the decision made after? ANyways... i do.
But i must part.
I have more in my heart, but I'm not sure if my heart is right tonight to tell it's secrets.

Love Dosen't Live Here Anymore. Or...

Do I let hurt, caused by someone else, define who I am and my mood?
Let it go, let it go, let it go...
He said that sometimes we need to walk away from someone who is hurting us, because sometimes that just makes them aware of the consquences of what they did. But how do I walk away...? I still got time left.
I want to be free
I don't want grudges and unforgiven situations to weigh me down, and make this road even harder. I don't want here to be a place I no longer return when I leave.
I don't want to be fearful of a look, an action, a word. I don't want to sit in the dark because the light is not safe enough.
God, how is it that you forgive me every time I do wrong? And how is that I try to do this? I don't think i can. not without you... thank you for church this morning. thank you(!!!)
It just hurts more when I see them. Or when I see something that reminds me of them. Anyone, really.
Let go.
The strength in the consquence is more overwhelming then the reasoning for the consquence itself. God, help me to forgive...

Am I making something worthwile out this place?
Am I making something worhwile out of this chase?
I am displaced.
I am displaced.

it's just a simple line, I can still hear it all the time.
If i can just hold on tonight, I know that noone will survive
No one survives...

my intention tonight was to write a really good blog entry. but intentions decieve, and my mind has lost whatever it had been holding onto. And, I got caught up on the phone for uh, 2 hours? opps!
on the stereo: "Seal Beach EP" by the Album Leaf.

* Everything is too close for comfort right now. What is it about situations that define breathing room?
I honestly have just missed "home" It was an accomplished destination. I missed the idea of it, my bed, the opperunity to spend some time alone, the people that make it, a room with a computer alone to write blogs, my other journals, my books, my pictures; etc. I missed the security of it.
Airports are only good at bringing people together. They are not good at getting people to their places, and if they do, not on time. I had a rather interesting experience. We were supposed to fly out of LA yesterday morning, 11:40 AM. They got us through security (barely on time) and we boarded the plane. We sat there for about 20 minutes, and they said it'd be another 45 minutes or so. They worked for a while, and decided that we culd leave the plane but be back at 1 pm. So we did. We sat there for a long time, they moved us through into a different gate. Waitied there, they finally announced that they were cancelling the flight, and therefore we would miss our connection from Vancouver to Saskatoon. So, everyone panicked and rushed downstairs for bags, because we could not buy new tickets, without the baggage. So my parents waited in a ticket line for over a good hour. (Waiting brings lots of new friends. It really does) We went through security, and they annouced our flight would be leaving at 6:40 pm. Then we had to go through the trouble of finding out how exactly we would get from Vancouver to Saskatoon, because there were no flights going there for a good 3 days. So we hung around at the airport, and then they were late boarding our plane. Really late. So we got out of there late, and then rushed to a ticket booth where we got tickets to Edmonton (by chance there were no shows) but we had to run through the airport, and the plane was basically waiting for us. They were late getting our plane up there because there was something on the runway. We got into Edmonton, at about 2 am and then found out that the ticket booth didn't open until 4:30am. So we took residence in a bunch of "comfy" chairs beside another gazillion people who were sleeping. I tried to fall asleep with a bunnyhug over my head, and Sigur Ros on the iPod but i didn;t much succeed. I maybe got 15 minutes? Maybe. Anyways. We luckily got some cancelled tickets to Saskatoon, and took a flight in where we arrived home at about 9:30am. I slept all day until about 4:30pm. Im tired, to say the least.
And i got a bunch of math homework to do. I really do. Im going to go do that...

i wait for my eyes to close

countdown!
mhm... ahem. keep to myself.

oh wait. wait until I get out of this crowd. Breathing is terribly hard when everything arounds you seem fine.
i don't get drama. im honestly the most opposed to it. Im just fine sitting in the corner by myself with a book, a coffee and my iPod as my best friend.
Why is it that I get so angry when someone judges something when I am just as bad?
Why is it I feel so stuck? Is it that i am ? My head hurts. My feet hurt. End of story. goodnight.

oh yeah... merry valentines day. (yep, i said that. going to bed NOW... )

:)
currently in my ears = "Dice" William Orbit/ Finley Quaye/ Beth Orton.

opps! i've lost myself. Under... society?

im convinced (at the moment) that our whole world is going to fall apart. Cali is superficial. But so is everywhere...?
there's something about this place that makes you feel really sorry for everybody. it's like a whole mass of population that is convincing themselves everyday that they have to be like every other person on the street. No indivituality needed. As long as you have the right bag, the right haircut, the right shoes, your IN. So... where is IN really? What makes trends? Why do we confine ourselves to trends, stereotypes when we can be free to be who we are. Does that really matter anymore? I'm convinced that it is full of a bunch of really beautiful, but terribly miserable (and well dressed) people.
But then I'm convinced that our world is full of really beautiful, but terribly miserable people.
But then let's get into me. I'm as guilty as anybody.
Sometimes it feel's really nice to blend in. Sometimes it feels really nice to be accepted. but is that the kind of acceptance we need? Why do we fear different?
Challenge.
Im sick of cycles. Im sick of everyday striving to be something that I will never ever be. And im sick of watching everbody else try to do it too.
it's too hard. Give yourself a break.

So. This is a cliched blog entry, but it's on my mind. really.
May your week be truely wonderful.

you mean the least, but you take the most.

approximently 14 hours until sunshine.
approximently...

tonights dark. inside and out. tonight is away but not too. tonight is unpatient for a destination. tonight hurts. planes hurt. ears, head, and nose espescially. contential whatt-ever.
Cali: 14 hours.
Home: 24 hours times um. 10 days? something like that.

Happy Valentines Day.

It's Your LIttle Red Wagon and You Gotta Pull It.

I honestly take for granted how easy life is when your not sick.
I can sit here and complain as much as I want too, but its not really going to change anything.
I mean, yes, sometimes sick is nice... get to catch up on sleep, and spend some time at home, but right now, to me it just feels like another thing to do. I honestly probably have like ten years of homework to do... including some homework from last term that i (apprently?) never handed in. Sooooo...
How easy it is go by life and not really think about it? I do it everydays. This stuff has been said before, but what is the point? I think of so many people... mainly people without God and what keeps them going? Is it to achieve popularity status by their perfect myspace friends, or they're perfect looks? Is it for success in their box jobs? Who has the biggest house? The nicest car? Is it to... just survive? Sometimes i feel like that's what life is. Surviving. But then I look around, and realize how good I have it. Yeah, things defnitely aren't perfect. There's alot of stuff people don't know that goes on with me. But as far as i'm concerened, I have a house to go to at the end of the day, I have a church full of people that will support my decisions, I have a job that earns a nice little paycheck that I can take home all to myself, to buy whatever I desire. I have more then enough friends who are wonderful in their own ways, I have a God who loves me no matter what i do. That's more then anyone could ask for. and I... have it.
I think I let alot of stuff... slide. I mean, I take the fact that I have all of this slide. I let a inncident a couple of weeks ago slide, but I guesss thats being dealt with now. Or trying to be dealt with. ANyways, all in all, I just think that I... hm... should care more? Yeah- care more.

Stars was wonderfulll. and phenuemonal. and all the other words that have those same meanings. I loved it, loved it, loved it! I love shows in general, really no matter what the music is, but to see one of your favorite bands, up close (front row baby!) It was just a really good time. I defnitely got in trouble for being home the time I did though. Oh well, it was worth it! There are lots of shows coming up. i checked out some band on myspace called, um... In Flight Safety. They're really good, and they're defnitely going to be at Louis in March. So is that battle of the bands thing... Metric soon. Stars/ Apostle of Hustle and Montag if its an all- ages show. Lovely. I love shows. (!)

Listening to lately? Alot of Anberlin, still. Because im that cool.:p. Alot of Jenny Lewis because she has a way of telling stories in music that no one else does. Except like Sufjan Stevens. And bonus, Conor Oberst and Ben Gibbard defnitely appear on that cd... Azure Ray is probably my favorite. Um.. lots more. New, everyday. It keeps me sane. I think...

anyways. This blog entry is pointlesss (as usual) but i thought i'd stop by well I did some history homework (sigh) Have a wonderful evening.

the inner and the judgement.

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellingsand every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?",
I think "You're right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."
So one last touch
and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

i feel this way upon me. not of me. not really...

Are There No Shadows Where You Are?

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are, I don't wanna be here even now. I don't wanna be by your side, If something isn't right... If something isn't right.

I don't want to be by anybodys side. Not todays.
Right now, right then I just want to go to sleep and not come back. For a while.
I think its real easy to stereotype these words as suicial and/or depressing thoughts, but I am speaking clearly and they are not.
Sometimes... I just need to be alone. And that alone not being in my room at home, not being on a walk by myself. Being alone in another world.
Sometimes thoughts of something are just overpowering. All situations have consquences. Whether those consquences being physical or mental.
Mine are mental. My minds on overdrive. Clearly.
And that really has nothing to do with... anything.
I wish we could push aside thoughts and deal with them when we had time to.
A new semester equals Biology30. Which is death. To Me. I just finished our first bio class, and it is pretty clear to me that Im not going to survive. Tests every two weeks, quizzes daily involving a whole new vocabulary of terms each day. Two huge assignments involving things that I really have no interest with. Why? I honestly should be taking physch30, but I didn't get on the ball with that one. I shouldn't be redoing my a30 course, I should be taking a language. I wish I thought ahead... more.
sigh. I feel I have a common topic on these blog entries- the future. I am looking to enhance it... I guess. AS pathetic as I am. Im not that optimistic about it right now. It just... scares me. right now. right now at 2:34 pm, in the school computer lab.
Right now I kind of scare me. Right now I realize how antisocial I have become. And not become. Hm.
I think this has been the longest entry I have ever written here at school. I blame it because of the privacy. But really... anywhere... I don't feel like I have enough. Im hiding within myself. I know that. But i have nothing to say to it. Is just the way it.is. I'm not going to justify it either.
Work tonight. Lots of homework tonight. Get over it, Brooke. It's just. life...

My World Still Turns When Your Not Around. Does It Have To be This Way?

this blog is neglected.
this homework, that homework. is neglected.
these friends have been neglected.
this God that loves me, is neglected.
by me.
now they are all:
lost lost lost lost lost...

that. is on my mind.... the only reason for this loss is: me. sometimes im determined that life is just a really bad connection. We are so preoccupied on things that we think are so big {the connection. focusing on whats said and not what isent} ... that we neglect the other things. the simple... yet so complex things. find beauty. find importance. make that... see: the beauty. the importance.
now on: im going to put 1 (or 2. or maybe three. or more...) things i appreciate about the day, no matter the mood of the blog...
today::
aa] morning! the idea of it. We completely new day, untouched. potential
bb] mailed the applications away
cc] radiohead. "the bends" blows my mind away... blows everything away. escaping to somewhere. else. Im trying to figure out where else is but it dosen't matter. its escaping. its neglecting the world... being ignorant. but only for a while.

gone now. the potential of this blog is somewhat gone now.
the potential of this night is somewhat gone. now.

on a completely different note: do this:
] read lyrics. they're mine. not mine but you know... :)
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/underoath/theyreonlychasingsafety.html#10

] watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/?v=cauOKgQidVg

] listen to this:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000002TQV/002-2197389-8305626?v=glance&n=5174

good. night...

It Keeps Me Listening For Your Voice Around Each Corner...

The thing is, I've figured out a bit of my sleeping problems.
and it's... music.
It keeps me up at night! I convince myself that I can't sleep until I listen to this one song... and then theres another song... and another... and before I know it, the night is almost gone.
:).
I don't know how i've grown such a love to music, when I pretty much poscess(sp) no talent whatsoever at music. I mean I sing a bit... in some choirs, and groups and teams and stuff but it's not something that overpowers alot of my other priorities.
And i've almost convinced myself to go out and buy an new iPod when I know I shoudln't. The money needs to be for next year. Next year, next year, next year (sigh)
I like to say im a music fan, but so does everybody else. Does music move you enough that sometimes it steers emotions or memories that you've put away for so long? does it make the buisness and everything else going on in a room seem invisible? Does it bring out emotions that you wish you didn't feel? Does it bring out emotions you wish you did feel? Do you appreciate all kinds of music because simply that person is doing their own way of showing emotion through what they feel is theirs? hm... thats al i have to say. music... sigh...
Last night a couple of friends and I went to a show featuring some local and not so local bands: A Ghost Cried Murder (hardcore/ metal) sleepinggirl (indie/ accoustic rock) These Hands (experimental/ folk rock) and Julia. which was just her and her piano. overall, the show was really good and defnitely worth my $6, espescially these hands. they were aboustely phenuemonal... i don't think im going to get over that... im not much into metal, but a Ghost Cried Murder was good. i more appreciate then go all out hardcore, but it the guys were excited. ha... so that was nice. Julia was nice. She's really good. Sleepinggirl's music had me in, but not so much the singer. yay for Starbucks, though. I think I need to get another job...
Thinking about the career field I have chosen, and where it has me taking me I think about is it where I want to be? Id defnitely like to have to do something with music. But i wouldn't want to be a stylist. I believe musicians should have their own style, that's just a part of who they are and what there music represents. them. What i'd like to do more so then anything else is create my own magazine. tons of interviews. tons of reviews. and no not on any given celebrity, or a musician who every other magazine on the rack is featuring. Musicians that mean something, their music does. Music that moves me. Moves you. People that make a difference. People who are giving more of themself to others.... and book reviews. because im a dork. and a bit of fashion, because im also a dork for this sore reason, I stay up late loathing over clothes... i need to get over that one.
this has been a long blog. i haven't so in a long time... and the thing is it wasen't really much about anything...
anyways. have a good day okay?!

Just Walk Away. Wait... I just can't. Walk away from this...

this is...

my night. It's the Fray and sad songs. and old flowers. And lamp light only. And... loneliness?

See, heres the problem. You are there and I am just here.

And the problem is: that I'm the problem.

Because: im here. and im not doing anything to get. there.

and.

I just don't know...

please.

get me back home?

i miss it.

i just miss you,

Jesus.

and this night is trying to make things right. And this night is wishing i was making things right. and this night is... almost gone.

and this night is... wasted. on me.

--------------------------------

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage,
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along,
But that's disregard...
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above,
as the canyon comes between...

This is for you, Bryce.
Im sick of arguements.
I know you read all of it, and I'm sorry...
And, well you did drive me to Chrissys at lunch... :)

See, God... I Don't Know If Im Just Speaking Too Quiet. Or Too Loud...?

With a unfinished histiography taking residence beside me, wet hair in which is most uncomfortable to go to bed with, and stacks of a) clean clothes and b) books. essay books. surronding me, I can't help but feel:
a) exhasuted
b) worried
c) stressed out.
d) lazy
A unfinished histiography. A unfinished histiography and it's 12:42 am. I got school, an appointment and plans in the evening. And im blogging...?
And how much sleep did I get last night? uh. 4-5 hours?
And God... he's here admist these piles. Promise... I asked him so.
But...
Why?
Im a mess. so is my room. My mind. And priorties.... they're a mess too.
Im just so far behind thse days. And I don't how to get back... unless...
Is it alright if I ask you for help, Lord?
Can i give you this much?
Brooke: can you give this much... up?
Brooke: can you give this much up to a reciever that seems so distant... these days...
Brooke: are you worth it?

I think he says... yes? I think I say... yes?

Given?

I Don't Get God. Why hasen't he given up on me?
I've given up on me...
.... I think...

This Empty Room Won't Make Anything Right.

People. Just get the best out of me...
So many different kinds of people... and a certain kind, maybe a certain person has got to me.
Where have you got your narrow mind? What is it in you that makes you feel like you know aboustely everything...? Where is it that you think you have the awnsers about everyone, when you base your knowledge on something you've heard from someone else. You don't know me.... you don't know her... you know us but you don't really know us. Different things are right for different people, and if your going to judge us under your standards then do. But don't make a big deal out of it.
And what it is it with you and stereotypes? And have you ever gotten the idea to your mind, that no, we don't need your matchmaking service, and when we tell you something, we'd like it to stay told to you and not the rest of the world. And humiliuation... has that ever happened to you? Because your slightly good at letting everybody else feel that every time something comes out of your mouth.
I just wish a) people wouldn't judge based on something as confining and self demeaning as stereotypes. b) I could trust people. this is exactly why I don't. c) you wouldn't think you know absoutely everything. You don't. Don't even...
Im slightly done my rant.
This friday was a good one. Breakfast, sleeping in... two classes. Lunch date with Alli. Afternoon off. Graham and Zach over... nice signs. Nice conversation over zach's music. niiice. Mini mini mini pool tournaments. arguing.... the thought of getting up early tomorrow morning...
I got a essay due on Tuesday. So scared...

good night.

I Ask "Why You Do These Things That You Do?" He Says "I Do Them For You."

Something that will leave me forever tripping over my own feet and confused, is: Jesus.
I don't get how any one can withstand the ignorance, just all the ways that I can possibly disapoint them I do this to him... to my friend, to my best friend...
I screw up. So much... every day.. it seems so every minute. Lately, it feels like I can't disapoint him any more then I already have, like I've done everything on the list. Lately, it seems as if I have been even more ungrateful for life and the things that he gives me, him handing them over to me without a second thought...
Who can be a better friend then him? Remember that hymn? The words to that music are more so true then anything else I have heard lately. Truth I starve for.
My Mission: To become this friend. Not only (but most importantly) to Jesus but to everyone that is in my life right now. They (all) deserve a little more recognition for the beautiful person they are, and are to me espescially. thank you: all. xo to you. each.

So Simple In The Moonlight...

i don't know how i've gotten "out" of blogging on here. I don't know how i've gotten "out" of my thoughts. I've always been the one for emotion: true and raw... although I think the only person i've been fooling lately is myself. (I've got it bad.)
I was sitting on the bus todays, crouched down by the window with bright eyes "lua" on and my hood pulled right over my hair and I realized somewhat how pathetic i really am. I've kind of have been on fast forward alot lately, and convcing everyone that i am okay, that i am cool with the way things are. i've got it good. but i... me... has got it bad. (because what is so easy in the evening, in the morning is such a drag). every day... (and if you promise to stay conscious i will try to do the same.) promise.
and smiling... what is that? im trying.... oh so much. so much. I like life. I have lots. But i don't really... like it. why? and why are good days (like todays. monday didn't get me) but somehow... i always end up in: this.
and what is: this? i don't know. it's janurary. its november mostly. its feburary and sometimes march and april. and sometimes september and sometimes... its good at taking me over. its good at making everything else: numb. its good at making me very unattractive person. in all ways.
so if you guys are holding out for the truth now: then this is it... this is the way i am. i don't why, or how... its just: me. (im not sure what all this trouble is, that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did)
to end this in maybe somewhat a happy note im posting pictures (if this thing lets me) of a beautiful sunrise i saw this morning (up above). oh so beautiful...
x.

(bright eyes- lua)

Today. Is just Today.

so... my blog has been pushed aside and what has taken place for it?
absoutely nothing.
i sure dont know what i've spent my tme doing lately... i sure don't know what is... going on. with me. anymore.
i feel i've gotten really good at pertending. Pertending that I am okay with something when inside all I want to do is scream and yell "no!" and...
i don't. ever. i jus don't show people how i am with things anymore... theres this line to a song i really like (the rocket summer "around the clock") and he's just "Im not into the idea of being without you... im not into the idea of living without you" i thinkthat's the best love song lyrics i've heard in.. a really long time. I like how he's determined. I wish I was...
a good friend of mine and me were talking last night on the way for chinease. and talking about our biggest struggles, and among them, among mine is doubt. I don't know whether it is my time of life that brings upon these thoughts or particular circumstances. I just am doubting alot. what, you ask? everything... really.
and complaining i sound like i am. i'm not. today was good... and these days have been good. Its weird to look inside of yourself and see who you are during all of this.
So blogging, I did tonight. But i really got nothing done... maybe i'll try again tomorrow...

My Merry Christmas.

So... Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is the day of all days.... the day that we have all been so anxiously awaiting, and with joyful hearts and a house full of family and food, supposed to be celebrating. His birth.
Christmas has become more and more less like Christmas, as time goes by and each year passes. To me, Christmas has become a hallmark holiday in which I would be much happier skipping, a holiday that has been stolen by a whole bunch of "materialistic jerks" who think 24 hour shopping hours and doing anything in their will to make more money during the holidays. Through my anger towards this, I will not ever forget the gifts I recieve every day, and espescially learn to appreciate during the holidays... a warm house, food in my stomach, a Grandma's house to go to over the holidays, wonderful friends.... etc. And I don't want to make this entry sound like I am not appreciating this. I just don't feel it this year. I just don't think I've ever felt it.
Working in a grocery store, in which hours change for one day of the year, closing at 4 instead of 9 have kind of made my eyes even more open to how much I hate it. People rely on these hours, apparently. Its like "OH NO! The store is closing for two days, what will we do?!" What will you do? Im sure you have just enough food in your houses, and not renting movies for two days will do you some good. The things I have enjoyed most over the holidays include wonderful friends to hang out, and a great time at my Grandparents todays, and some wonderful gifts in which I have been having fun giving... and some I have had recieved. And... It's Christ's birthday. Tomorrow is a day for me to relax.... Sometimes I just feel like the meaning has been buried underneath a materalistic world, and the stress of the Christmas season makes my grudgery towards Christmas even more worse.
A friend gave me this, except where I will put spaces, she put my name. Try it with yours. It's my Christmas present to you.... a beautiful one at that:

Father, __ is my personal glory.... I glow when I think of __. That's because I love __ as if __ were the only one in all the world to love. I believe in __ potential. I see so much in __ life. Im excited about all you have in store for __.
Keep __close to you father. Help ___ realize that you and I dream BIG dreams for __. I ask you to take extra good care of __. Those days when __ feels like the world is against __, and no one understands, let __ sit in your lap-- just like a child. Wrap your strong arms around __ and wipe __ tears away.
Sometimes, Father, __ dosen't show __ tears. Sometimes __ does all __ crying on the inside. Help __ feel comfortable enough around you to ACT on what __ FEELING.
__ so hard on _self... times when __ __ own worst enemy- beating __self up over not meeting someone's expectations. Teach __ that YOUR expectations are what's really important in life.
__ so much fun. Lord, I love laughing with ___. SOmetimes we just talk about daily stuff- like who's spreading rumors about __, __ latest grade in math class, trying to get so-and-so to notice __. And you know what? I love it! Im glad __ knows theres absoutely NOTHING too big or too small to pray about. Im thrilled __ knows that we care about everything.
Im concerned about unity, Father. I want __ to live in harmony and peace with those around __. Help __ to get over this feeling of having to be right all the time. Help me teach __ humility and geniune concern for others. I crave unity between my children... I want them to have the same kind of oneness that you and I have. Keep __ safe. Protect __. We'll walk by __ side together, Father. We'll take each step that __ takes, and we'll feel everything __ feels. the good AND the bad. The laughter, the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the joy. I want to experience all of that with __.
Ive told __ a lot- even wrote it all down with __... a personal collection of letters. I hope __ listens. Im going to keep talking to __- leading __ and guiding __- through that Spirit that i'll pour inside of __, and through my letters. Im concerned that __ hears and understands my voice. If __ just read my letters, everything will make sense. Help __ do that, Father. ANd assist __ in being consisent to getting to know us.
the world hates ___. They hate her because __ dosen't really fit in. ANd im glad __ not fitting in, because __ no more a part of this world then I am. But __ wants to fit in- forgetting that __ real home is with us... and that it's far beyond __ wildest imagination. I wish we could give __ a little taste of heaven, Father. But, I know.
That's where faith comes in. Help me to increase __ faith. I want nothing more for __ then to bcome all we dream of her to be.
I'll be joining you soon. And together, we'll work on getting __ house ready. In my place, though, i'll leave my very own personality- my Spirit- full of everything that I am, for __ fufillment and success.
I love __ so much, im giving my very own life for __ growth in holiness and truth and understanding. My life for __. It's worth it, Father. We have a genuine treasure when we have __.

Isen't that beautiful?
I hope you guys all feel more of Christmas then I do. To say the least, I have much more then I should and deserve to have. But God is good that way, hey?
Merry Christmas!
Love: to each and all of you. You change my life in oh so very many different ways each and every day.

Look Up, The Snow Is Falling And It Looks Like Love. Wait...

So... I just woke up. I haven't been at my best todays: im real tired, and somewhat sore and a little heartbroken. Mhm. I hate that feeling when you get up and you realize that you have to go somewhere. I have a Christmas concert to go to tonight and a mini family gathering. My eyes hurt. And look, I'm already overthinking.... :!
I find it my most easiest flaw is to find out how truely beautiful something is, when I have lost it. I really, more then anything, like to think things through until I have made sure it is something I like and something I can trust. I take for granted too often, to easy, and I don't hold tight enough grip on these things. So. We're going to work on that, we're being me. Because I think I am sometimes a bit of a too logical thinker. That's what I think... and it's funny because I think logical but I am not practical at all in any sense. I live in my dreams, and they get the best of me.
People get to me todays. Espescially todays. Honestly, what has Christmas become? Each new advertisement makes me sick. We've truely forgotten the purpose of Christmas under all the lights, 24 hour shopping, chocolates; etc. And what is "Happy Holidays" instead of "merry Christmas?" and what is it that a average person spends more then $1000 on Christmas? Makes sense, yes. But is it necessary? Giving is all nice and fun. I love it. But everybody just sit back and RELAX. There's something much more important then wrapping all your gifts on time, and having the perfect light display and the house perfect for company. It's Jesus. Have we forgotten the meaning of this season? This is supposed to be a celebration. I think everybody is just too stressed out to remember that. Including me. So. And gossip. I hate gossip. Too sit and listen to people gossip drives me THROUGH THE WALL and it's somewhat dumb, because I am too good at it myself. Enough of this. We should boycott it. Sound good? Yep, I think so.
This morning I had the privledge to see two of my relatves get baptized this morning at Forest Grove. It was a real nice service, and it's defnitely real cool to see someone that you know take that step. For anybody to take that step. And i forget about my own experience. I got baptized once! I was on that high once! Wow. Im working on it. I am. :)
But i need to go now to go to church. So, I hope you guys all have a good night and remember: the reason. I'm trying to too.

Someday I Will Ask You If I Was A Disapointment. I Will Ask You If You Put Your Heart and Money Into A Bad Investment.

I have made todays wonderful.
Mhm. My life has I knew it, changed so much over these past few months. And to have something... "normal" again todays made it wonderful.
I guess I have got caught up in myself and my problems these last few months. I've made, more then enough, mistakes and I haven't been the best to react to current or past situations. I'll admit it here, I am a sullen girl. I like living somewhat in the dark ( :) emo. i don't think so. :$) I like to think and worry about things until I have gotten them worked out... and during that time period I find myself horrible uninviting, unfriendly, loner... you know. im sorry. im quite good at that: i have to admit. but i'd rather it be wonderful. i'd rather share good times. i'd rather make the most of what i have. even if people tend to get you down alot. and life is good at that as well.
so: todays. 8 i was up. I love ponytail days. and peanut butter and jam for breakfast days. at church by 9:15. we did a runthrough of the songs we were singing, which was nice because i missed two practices that week and the practice that i did get to we were thinking that the whole thing was a lost cause. or i was. :). um... had some good sunday school discussion going on: as always. Ed is defnitely on my hero lists. He's so incredibly down to earth, but yet he is so wise, and he never, ever judges. ever. i love sunday school. i sometimes wish that it could go through the church service. i don't much enjoy services, i'll say that much... I just don't like the fact that there is special music and the way people clap after everything. ok, i know i am not going to probably get the best response here: but honestly, if your singing in church or something, your doing it for God. not for an audience. I mean, you had the audience and all, but... anyone get me? I get me. And worship is just not worship for me at my church. I mean, it is selfish to say that much because worship is worship wherever you are and whoever is singing, but i can never really get into it. you know? but we sang. and i did my solo. and apparently made a ridicilous face after which i got ridicueled for. but we laughed alot during the service. And wow: the message today was ever so amazing. It just woke me up to who I am and my priorties and the way I handle things. I mean, God is that light. And he will shine brighter and longer then any of these other things we desire here on earth.
I then headed into the city. I defnitely am too awesome at christmas shopping. lol... um. not exactly, but almost! Starbucks... mhm: for lunch. And the stupid esculator stopped and it got all over me. Oh well, it is a story to tell. :D:D. We did the Toys R Us thing. that was fun. I love that place... then we had a candy picnic and it was ever so nice. and nice out. thank you graham. i headed over to the library, to find those books that i had on request were gone. oh well. headed home and found out that i am awesome at getting ready fast. I dressed up tonight: A dress and all. It was quite fun. Sat up with the cool people on the balcony, at Salem. Listened to some awesome music the whole night... really. I espescially enjoyed Lee and Jeremy's "My First Noel" Then! my turn! I sang in the mass choir, 5 songs including the Hallejuah chorus and it was one of my favorite experiences. Phil is the best director ever, there is no one better. And to hear all those voices behind you and around you and it's just.... incredible. All these people singing to the same God, for the same reason, with the same purpose. It's just really neat. Then we took some nice pictures, and Bryce and Chrissy came over for a couple of hours. We hung out in my kitchen, and ate toast (chrissy is best at it) and talked lots. Which is always nice... and now I am wasting my night away on here. So, good night all! I hope you had a wonderful day as well!

Tired Of Walking This Alone.

i can't do this on my own.
and i am sick of thinking that i can. and trying too.
I don't ask God for his guidance enough. I realize that every day that I don't is a day wasted. Really and truely.
Walking this road alone has been my most stupid decision. and always will be.
Life has a way of throwing so many things at us. But to find purpose in these things is what means most.
I am not one to go into specifics. You know that all, already. But I will say this much: things just seem to get worse and worse... one thing after another: these days adleast. But... (!) i am okay. I am okay with this. I realize that he has a purpose for it all, and I am beginning to learn that. Maybe not learning that purpose, and maybe I never will, but.
I am at peace. promise.
the thing I will say i am not proud of learning is that, you cannot trust quite anyone. My walls have been put back up... and they will proabably continue to climb.
and I am hungry: for you love. and im starving for: better times. and I really don't get how this happened. i don't get it but i am okay: trust me. just remember that i don't think i can do this again. i don't think i can but i know i will. so: find comfort in that much. and maybe someday it will fly. maybe. Seasons change: they change when you don't seem to notice. All of a sudden, wind grows cold and the snowflakes start to fall. It's kind of like when I fell in love with you, I, didn't even notice, when you didn't love me anymore.
and that's it. I miss all my friends and I can't wait till this over. i really can't.
susie suh tonight for me. mostly "recognition" and. missing you. and... a walk outside. and dreaming of a train bridge stroll: thats it. some more hot chocolate (4th cup. :p) as well. but i have taken your hand,God. and I thank you for being there. always. i thank you for being okay. i thank you for christmas decorating with alex, and e-mails, and hero stories handset by curtis, and hot chocolate, and plans... i miss my deathcab, i really do.

good night. sleep tight, and all that other nice stuff....

Too Many Times I've Wanted To Turn Around And Walk Away.

I am happy todays because I chose to be.
So what if disappearing seems to be the most desirable thing right now... Let's, just for once, forget all the traits and tragedies of life. It's just too much to feel sometimes. Sometimes, forgetting is all we have. And can do. So, let's disappear in a ray of sunshine to some unforgettable unknown world and dance in sense that we don't have to think about... anything. Let's forget about time, and the fact that we don't have much of it... until infinity ends (ha)
I am a tragedy in the sense that i am too sullen. This perfect mold of whom I have created for myself through my image is fake... all fake. Don't take note of that. I am a mess. I have no remedies for myself or for life and i am too set on happiness. Im either looking all the wrong places, or I am looking too hard. that's it. I exagerate too much on my trust issues, but let my guard down to someone in whom I thought I could bring it down. I think the awnser to all my problems here is in leaving. The awnsers to these problems are reconciliation... before leaving. The awnser to my happiness is faith in God that I shall be content with what I have... and with life. I was given a chance to be something different, and im basking in a deep hole of darkness because I don't have things right. What is... right? Logic is a bunch of bull. Life isen't logic. It's... living. I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I shouldn't worry so much. I should focus on the fact that this is short, and there is so much else that needs to be done for others, and not for myself. The one thing I will worry about is: i've been the fool. and i'm deep in this. and i will do anything to make it right again. i will. just promise me you'll give it another chance. Maybe it was fading and is fading away.... but i'll grab hold to it before it's gone if you help me. please?

so i have closed my eyes now. and i am disappearing....
but no worries. i will be back tomorrow.
and tomorrow I will be doing my best to catch this slow fade of love. and life. because i am letting it slip away....

I Fear That Was My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake.
How can we be in surronded with so much people, so much noise and light and.... anxiety? It slips in, overtakes us with the trace of bad memories.
I don't know myself anymore. I was so content with the thought of finally finding it.... but it has slipped away again. How do I let it? Isen't that all I want....?
I'm. Clueless.
Im stuck contimplating whether I make everyone else happy and lose myself or find it and...
Tonight. i just don't feel right. Because I may have let my guard down, and trusted to much. I thought it was right, but I take that back. I don't know what I am anymore.
a poem. tonight.... for: life. I just don't know how tonight took place, or why. I just know that tomorrow I will open my blinds and pertend there is sunshine. okay?
I just need to disappear, even if it's just tonight.


I will remember you as the artist or two that tried to screw me over, because it's the bolder thing to do. I've made myself the fool, who is falling for you. So let me down softly this time, so I won't have to come back crying. I've just made myself look bad, your the one that should be mad. It'd be better to forget you, but I don't really want to.
and what am i, darling? a whisper in your ear, a piece of your cake? Here's to you and your love. I've got years to wait around for you...

Race That Needs To Be Finished

So:
A little bit of heart beating never did anyone wrong, did it?
Well, mine is. Fast. I just called the "wrong" number or so i assume, or um, hope. I got the awnser I knew I should have gotten for calling at that time. But: Honestly, I feel gross... and freaked out.
I never seem to get it right. I am always left with a feeling after something that I have not done my best, or I have not made the right decision, or...
Just this whole happiness thing. Like, I've been defeated. Like I couldn't do it on my own so... yeah. I am saying more then I should.
this week has been good, and I appreciate that fact. But i feel like I am not trying hard enough at this: Life. And it's like I am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that I put off making any decision. I just... I want to get next year right. I want to get this year right. I just... want to get everything right, you know?
My Mom says im a perfectionist. If i don't get things right the first time, then I give up. I think it's something like that. I've given up, because I couldn't get it right. But I need or needed to try again.
Sometimes it's harder getting up after we have fallen. But, there is a race to finish... one I need to finish as well. And i took the easy way out...
God's there. He'll help me.
I can do this.

You Said It Was Like Christmas. But You Were Wrong, It Wasn't Like Christmas At All.

So. It's been snowing these past two days, and I can't lie and say that i don't like it. Because i do... I like when it it's lightly snowing. It's pretty. And promising. And guess what? Tomorrow is December! I just hate November. There are various reasons which I will not go into but it's done. tomorrow. so.
Now that i've sat through two group discussion/ lecture things over the past 2 days I have some to say: Teen Challenge was really good. Those presentations get old, they really, really do. But today was good, he had our attention. There is nothing better then having someone speak that has gone through something like that, and they come out of it and end up inspiring other people with their own story. And the two other guys, just older then us were really good. I was impressed. Life is about choices.... whether you make a good one or not is your... choice. ha. Im big on this choice thing: these next months bring alot of choices.
so let me tell you about my awkward art class todays: well. So... the guy I went out with, for, um, a week maybe two? and my Andy and this other guy are usually like the "unstoppable four" in art class. And it was fun. But then I broke up with him. And things got... awkard. So today Andy was gone. And for some reaon, Julian wasen't showing up. So: we sat. Quietly. And then Julian came. finally.. but it was really... um. bad. I wasen't sitting beside him in the first place, but my teacher made me because I was not in a good spot for the people that were presenting.
I am anticipating EVERYTHING after work tonight. Yay! Movies and supper with the girls tomorrow! Chrissy and I are going on a thrift shop/ camera crazy spree on friday and then I get to work with Curtis. and our history test somehow got moved to next week, through Mr. Cross's excellent organizing.
:), :).
we also got our pictures today. Lucky me, got no indivitual one of myself... but I did get my class picture. Interesting, that one...
so. im going to go and eat peanut butter pittas and then off to work!
goodbye.

listening: "Swing Life Away" Rise Against "A Warning Sign" Coldplay

I've Made Myself The Fool, Who Is Falling For You...

3:00 tuesday. anticipating getting out of here once again.
snow outside. pretty....
more laundry to do, some english as well. but.
good day.
I love good days.
So far.

Am I loud and clear, or am i breaking up?
Am i still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine, if you show yours first.
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

We live on front porches, and swing life away.
We'll get by just fine here with minimum wage.
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long, I think it's time to move
The winter's too cold, and summer is over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that i hardly know
But we've had some times, that I wouldn't trade for the world
We'll chase these days down with the talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here with minimum wage
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets.... until you hold my hand.
(Rise Against)

It's Cold As You Fade Into The Sun, Where'd You Go? To Me?

look, it's snowing.
this day has been bizarre. more then bizarre. just.
so many things in life come and go... and it's hard when they do. go. I just... I woke up this morning with the effects of something i wish I hadn't even taken. In taking this I feel like I have given up on something that I could have tried harder to get. I feel... defeated.
And. my cat died this morning.
And vinny's grandma's funeral was this morning. We went and I cried. a bit. he will always be a hero in my eyes, and I just worry about what's going on now. Where will he live? Will be okay? He dosen't seem. okay.
but I don't think really anyone feels that way todays.
First class spare I went to the post service to mail a letter. I came back to school, and found out that that reciever of that letter had arrived in Waldheim at 12 last night, and had disappeared sometime early this morning.
I feel sick. I did yesterday. I missed Justin's birthday for that.
I tried sleeping last night. but i didn't much suceed.
i havent suceeded at much of anything lately.
I guess just today I need redirection, a bit. And it's just one day. It's just today.
I just feel a little lost.

listening: remy Zero "Fair" Gregory and the Hawk "The Bolder Thing To Do"

Sing Again For Me That Long Forgotten Song.

There is no reason not to smile when you wake up on a Saturday morning, at whatever time you desire, and you open the curtains... and there's sunshine.
And you can just sit in your bed and listen to good music and write in your journal and just have time.... time. Time to do what you would desire to do with it. If anyone thinks about it, we waste so much time worrying about the next day and what comes that we waste yet another day doing that. I guess i'm just trying to relax myself with the thoughts of what next year brings, and well, my future, ha.
I know there is lots to do todays: work, finally finish that letter, chores, english essay, math, clean my room, do laundry, work on my alto parts for 2 choirs, a worship team and another group for church. But. That is okay. It's sunny outside and God just feels, so real. Todays.
How does this work, exactly? Why do we feel him when we are happy, but not so when we are alone. and miserable. We watched this video yesterday at a friend's youth group and there was a point brought up in it about how we ask "Where is God?" but instead we should ask "Where isen't he?" He's defnitely there. Everywhere. We just need to look a little harder...?
I am in love with a song. It's "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's and if you have not heard it already then you really should. There is nothing better. Well, almost. And Cat Power. And John Mayer. And the song below. This morning.
I realized I have not posted a entry up in quite some while, somewhat. I guess my thoughts have been kind of lost between the worrying i've done about school and other stuff, But Christmas will be here soon enough (one month) and i am loving the weather quite honestly. I think I am defnitely going to Sabines today to hang out, the journal and some coffee seem quite appealing. If you want to do something tonight, i work 5 through 9 but you can call me at work, although I know most of you are at guys provincials (I would like to know how they are doing!)
Anyways. Have a good day.

Tired but I ain't sleeping
Thinking about some sad affair
And why i should be leaving
Cause some of these thoughts only seem to take me out of here
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
Thinking about tomorrow tired form all the time I spare
On what I still believe in When none of my talk ever seems to get me anywhere
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long bye my friend so long
So long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long Tired but I ain't dreaming falling into solid air
And why I must be leaving or one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long, bye my friend so long so long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you so long
(Beth Orton)

New Life Break Away... Tonight, I Feel Like More Tonight, I...

I don't really exactly know where I am anymore. It seems as if, I have not one moment to spare with all the stuff that I should be doing, but I waste away it (msn and this blog...). I feel a little closed in, suffocated in a mess items on my "to-do" list. I used to live for going out. Not anymore, this girl goes out once or twice a week maybe, and going out is feeling guilty for the extent of it of what i should be doing, and finds herself signed up for something as stupid as a dodgeball team, another item on a list that feels so... hard. Work is good, better then ever probably, and the grades at school are going well. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we run ourself to we cannot take it not anymore? And what makes us hit that wall and realize, where have I been? I really don't know where i've been, or what's really going on with me, until a doctor has to tell me what really is, going on. My biggest worry is still, next year. I have been applying for information like a crazy person for schools, and more schools and yet more schools. I get nerveracking phone interviews, and packages of information that I don't really "feel" I have the time to go through.
and where is God? I don't really know. I know i've pushed him aside on the priorties list, and that is eating away at me but yet I don't do much about it. How are we so.... lazy? I've been lazy. And im sick of it, im sick of procastinating assignments (cough, couch.... um, art!) and running myself dry in those last moments, and i am sick of feeling i have not enough time to go out with a friend for coffee, who needs me more and who I really need., make a simple call to my grandparnets to say a happy birthday, sit down and hang out with my siblings, sit down with some books and some Christmas music and... I just... i think i've lost myself?
So, underneath all those piles of things is God. I know he's still there, and I think maybe i'm going to go and try to clean that up right now.

Carefree is what we claim we want to be, free to live this life that we have found, and it is living when we our laying our lives down for someone not of ourself. I think it's time to close my eyes, forget this mess. Tried to fix this but how can I forget these things that I have never done?

Lately It Seems As If I'm Chasing What Time Has Already Resolved.

we are just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, there is no relief for this beating heart...

So: I so told myself I shouldn't go on msn tonight but here I am. I am ever so bad with that... Im working on english right now, or trying. We have to come up with something that we fear most, and different words we associate with that fear. and tomorrow we will write a in-class essay on it, so I am kind of fed up with my english teacher but i will deal with it. it's school and that is almost done, so.
I went to the doctor todays. and that was a long and be-patient experience. Alot of what went on was a little bit scary, and a little new for me but I am learning that I have to deal with this, and that as much as I really think I hate my doctor, she's trying to help me out. But. That's all im going to say about it, a decision I made with myself and with my parents.
My Mom dropped me off at the library and I had myself a good time. I am ever such a geek: wow. I got the coolest photography book, and tons of cds and some novels for actual reading. This might sound weird, but you want to know where the actual knowledgeble people in our world are? In the library. They all come in, and they look not like they have much of a homelife, or lots of money (maybe they do and they just chose to not appear like it), but they are walking out with books on everything and everything. I sat outside with my iPod and waited... and watched people. There was tons of people out todays: it was beautiful. Kind of cold, but the sun and the crowds made me happy.
Then we went and my Mom bought me starbucks: a peppermint mocha, mhhmm. and I looked for some hair dye, but I couldn't quite figure it out with the time i had. and we talked and I flipped through my new teenvogue (guilty obsession:Yes) and listened to Tori Amos as we drove home. and we figured out quite exactly what i wanted for Christmas. and she dropped me off at work with my curtis and we ever had so much fun. ha. You know, not exactly. But... it was good. and i got the most beautiful note from Alli todays. lol, and the funny thing is i have this major huge art assignment tomorrow due and im not even near done: but that is okay because i am like 3rd last at presenting. But i am defnitely going to have to get on that: honestly.
Tomorrow I have choir, an english assignment due, work and among other things to do like figure out what im doing with my life, work on that art, and i owe letters. to numerous people. so. i am going to go: now.

xx.

listening to: Rilo Kiley's "more Adventerous"

It Seems Like Just Yesterday We Had The World Our Way...

Random.... yes:

Brooke's favorite things: as of: Todays: Nov. 20th! 3:30 pm.
- brocolli
- alli's hugs!
- glitter
- being bossy. to kate, ha.
- smelling like forever strawberries with Chrissy (soo the beatles.)
-Angel food cake that we didn't get any of
- pertending to do my homework (going to get me no where)
- mhm! starbucks! i could go for a hot chocolate. or two.
- traffic patrollers with Chrissy and Alex! with the lack of big orange costumes- justin, you need to work on that- next year!
- Last night. and trains. sometime shall we? :).
- Steph forgetting my name. Oh yeah, we've been friiiennds forrever
- awkwardly dropping cups. or plates.
- worrying. wait, cut that ONE! ugh.
- talking to Terri last night!
- cute boys.
- laughing so hard there is tears in those eyes of yours. of mine actually.
- curtis's brownies
- coming up with ways to get out of going to the doctors tomorrow
- Rilo Kiley
- dancing in my yard of sunshine, Rachel Yamagata in my head
- trying to be happy and suceeding.
and she could go on...

3 things she wishes she could just Figure Out:
- how to be happy forever. and all ever.
- next year
- myspace. html

5 Things She Would Like To Do Right Now:
- be somewhere else
- not have any homework
- hold hands
- wear a dress. because the weather would be perfect enough, it just would.
- see Rilo Kiley. live and in concert.

4 Things she Needs to get done before tomorrow:
- her english assignment
- adleast the questions for art
- go to alex's
- renew her library books

2 Songs she's been listening to non stop this afternoon:
- "Absence ofGod" Rilo Kiley
- "Spiders" Lovedrug

1... i cannot think of one.

Lists. I Love lists.
I heart you: all.

Well I Waited I Was Wasting Away...

its late, 12 possibly. only second class beginning tomorrow: she's smiling. about that. maybe only.
Death cab's "Brothers on A Hotel Bed" and myspace are keeping her busy. She knows she should finish the english and get some sleep, but...
sigh.
what's sleep anyways? what's lieing in bed for hours trying? because afterall, she dosen't go to sleep to dream. she can do that fine on her own.

Life, is.... hard. It's going to keep on being hard, because that's just the way it is. There are forever going to be people in my life who continue to totally piss me off, and situations that leave me hurting, and where my physical self isen't doing too great, whether it be in a doctor or a therapists office. I just... wish. That. I could just let it go. you know? Stop worrying. Stop worrying about everything that's going on. Because it's tearing me: apart. I wish I could just escape to somewhere where people need me, off to Africa to give flu shots and feed starving children with the money from all the stupid things that I own, that will mean nothing forever and ever. and ever. And then I wish that people in my school would be alot less stupid, and just things.. at home and, and it could just be as easy as it once was. wait, when was that? hm.
Deep breath.

She knows that it won't change with her complaining about it. Deep breath. Just let it go...

How is it we let go of so many days, of so many moments, minutes...? I hate that feeling of the day being slipped away. Why didn't I grab it? Live it? Why did I just let it drown? You see, i'll never get it back. I let those go. Why can't I let this go?

sleep? mhm....
yes, sleep.
good night.

I Guess No One Said This Would Be Easy.

Brooke is: eating a sandwich
pertending she is happy
listening to Rilo Kiley (because she knows no other way of making things better)
dreading work
should be doing english
in need of a hug or two
sick of people asking if she's okay
thinking of skipping choir tonight
really, really cold
sick of people telling her to eat more
Wishing maybe that tomorrow will be okay.
Wishes she was somewhere else.
Wishes that people would stop asking about the bruises
Wishes she could just close her eyes until things were better again.

{ listening intently } I feel the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees. And maybe ours, is the cause of all mankind. Give love to make more, try to stay alive.

At Such A Great Height.

Mood.... look, look! It's... happy. :)

Beautiful Things about Todays:
* No Math Teacher
* Chad: Not Laughing. (and no. i don't believe you.)
* Keeping Andy
* Two notes.
* Dressing dorky and not even feeling it. (a dress and cut up tights is so the way to go. oh and flats.)
* Hugs
* Lunchtime.
* Grapefruit pop
* good hair days
* An Adventure.
* Broken Social Scene
*Dancing in the empty classroom (almost. :) ) all by myself (or so i thought)
* Yet another "song for me" from Bryce
* Laughing with Kate
* Not doing art and not breaking a pencil
* Metric!
* Writing letters
* Mr. Hinz stories
* Hanging out with Chrissy tonight!
* Curtis is out to get Jay and Chris for being perverted boys to me and andy. and to that test lab for sticking that needle in my arm for 5 minutes!
* Yes. My awesome dodgeball team is going to rule tomorrow, that is right. :).
* Two new bands to like

Ha. And the afternoon song is: (Oh So Postal Service)

'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suitLike a perfect gentlemenI'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick Where you will sit and contemplate your day I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink I'll be the photograph that plays your favorite Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...You won't have to strain to look into my eyes I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat With the collar up so you won't catch a coldI want to take you far from the cynics int his town And kiss you on the mouth We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,Start a brand new colony Where everything will change,We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)The sun will heat the grounds Under our bare feet in this brand new colony, Everything will change...

let's do something crazy, k?

:).

xx.

Deeper.

Jesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heart
Lord my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord...

Tonight. Tomorrow. And the next day...
I believe you.
That brings a smile to my heart. Because, for tonight, things are alright.

I Know You're There But I Can't Feel You

please excuse this blog, it's just my feelings tonight, feelings that I want to be okay again,

One thing I want so bad at the moment: Is to feel God. I know he' s there, but I don't feel him. I doubt so much, I complain so much, and yet he's here, he is.
Let's amend this classic story; close it so beautifully. I'll let amionsity unwind, steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully, i'll still feel the violence of the lines: God Called In Sick Todays.
Why can't I just take that into hand and.... I do my devotions, I go to church, I talk to him, but it's just... not... right. You know? And i don't know how to change that. I don't get know to get back to him, is it that I make things right with myself before I go back to him? Sure, I talk to him and ask him about it, but how am I supposed to know the awnsers? Sure, i'll say I need an experience, something like camp, but. I don't think that's what I need. I mean, it'd be nice but... I don't know, does anyone understand? Sorry. I'm a little broken tonight. Well, I guess it started....
Take this as you like, but please, please don't judge, please don't take "me" differently:
I went to the doctors this morning. I don't know, if you've been reading my blog anytime then you probably knew the syptoms I was suffering with. Well, bascially she cut down everything and quetsioned me like only a therapist should be doing. She told me I need to cut down things from my life, first on the list, working. She says I am underweight and I need to gain weight. She asked me quetsions about my eating appetites and my concern for my weight, and things that have been bothering me and... She says i need to go on meds. Like, what kind of meds? Well. Let's not go into this. then she made me get my blood taken at this other lab, and on my way there my truck spun out and that's where I was sick. I was sick of everything. But I was angry. I was angry at her because the way she talked to me as if she knew what was going on with me. And my Mom flipped and now she's onto this whole big thing about asking me quetsions and counscellors and...
I don't want to feel like this. I really didn't need it. I thought i was good, and things were fine but. I don't know where I am now. right now, no. I just want to live life the way I have been. I mean, with God. but.
the whole day wasen't bad, I promise. I am in a fine mood I guess, I just don't really feel like I should be. I spent the afternoon at the library: just me and Eva Casidy and my art books and my notebook. And that was fine, I got some stuff done. I wandered the mall for a while, and ate a bagel AND soup for lunch just to prove her wrong, even though I felt really sick after. and wandered some more. Then Zach came and, well. I know he'll be reading this soon enough, so just thanks. You get me and you let me talk and I don't know how to explain it, but thanks.
The ride home was okay, although kinda icy. And when I got home Chad called for coffee, but I wasn't allowed. Which is quite fine, although I was happy to be invited. Mhm. Man, I just sound horrible, I realy need to get ontop of this whole negative thing, I really do.
Thanks for reading. Really. That in itself means much.

You Hold The Universe, You Hold Everyone On Earth, You Hold the Universe. Hold me tonight, please.

I See It.

what is it that helps us get back on the track again? Life is a long, long road and getting on and off track seems to be totally all of it that it is. But you have to have the lows to be on top. Staying on top is something so perfect, so perfect that we never really will...? I see: a ray of light. It is far off, but it is there, and there is enough comfort in that fact. So: I am smiling, even though my feet hurt and my eyes as well, and what I really could go for right now is a coffee. I love rides. Any kind. It's dorky, but tis is true enough. There is something so pretty about something so simple. For a second there, the excitement in it is thrilling enough, to forget. It is closing your eyes and escaping from the world. I am one so scared of reality, but not the unknown. Escaping is nice. This is what this weekend has been, escaping from the reality of all that is home. I love the fact that a Chapters and a Starbucks (heading there as soon as Mom returns) are only blocks away, and high speed internet at my fingertips, and sometimes, all those crowds of people make me excited: that is why I am destined to be a city girl: even if it is only for a bit of my life. Althoguh sometimes those crowds makes me lonely, but who can help that? I mean, you are surronded by groups of friends, and lots of couples, and you just wish you had someone with you, even if it's quiet. Even if it's quiet. Returning home will be my reality: how i handle it is my choice. So: Im trying to figure out how this will be done. But i miss people. I am more then thankful for friends. I had so many gorgeous conversations last night, ones that will not be forgotten. There is nothing better. There is nothing better then people that accept you through and through, and care enough to listen when your troubled, or feel comfortable enough to share with you what is going on with them. I could go on, but all i really want to say is: Thanks. It's funny because my thoughts seem to be more together and much more substantial in my mind, but is when I write in this blog that they are lost and so mixed up, but I guess it is the way that it is supposed to be, I guess? Anyways. Leave me a comment or two, an e-mail, anything! xx. Listening: Copeland: In Motion (guess who picked that one up?)

To The Extent That It's Absurd.

So, this is going to be an entry consisting of a mix of thoughts from both days that I've been gone. I started one last night, but I got distracted by wonderful coversations with beautiful people whom I am privledged to know, :) I apologize for the layout of this entry, it's not letting me move the previous stuff up, so it's kinda annoying but I think it is still readable, yes? :: Thursday, November 10/ 05

long drives make everything else seem so clear. We, I, take advantage of what we have around us... there is so much beauty in a simple tree, a simple sky, in a stranger we see walking down the street. Long drives make me appreciate my surronding. We are oh so blind. It's funny when we talk about a scenic point, for example, Niagera Falls and saying it is truely amazing. I mean, oh yes that it is, but have we stopped to see what we have in our own hometown/ home area? Hm. that is just something that i have realized. I would like a walk right now. A walk in the rain. With the lights shining pretty and the noise in the way, but not really, wish I had a companion... So this is has been a good night for conversation. It's one of those nights where everybody seems to be kind of maybe going through the same thing, and so it is alot easier to relate, you know? It's been good, anyway, Well. I have so much more to say but I am a bit busy, so I decided not to post this entry up, because it is lacking in... well. Words. And defnitely substance. Friday, November 11/ 05 It is the end of the day (nearly) when we become aware of how worn out we really are. So my so called sickness, is heading the direction of being from stress. And, its easy to deny that when I feel like I spend so much time doing aboustely nothing (you know... long hours on msn, etc) But then I look back on the events that have happened the past few weeks and it makes somewhat more sense. The question "What is new?" is asked so often in conversations, that we find ourself saying "Nothing" even if we really do have something going on: We are afraid of what they will think, or if the subject is not important enough to be brought up: But yet we have to realize how much people really do care, and really are willing to hear you out: This is something that is being made clear. I have so many real, real awesome friends and I take advantage of that fact. So thank you. All of you. You do not know how much of me you make up, ha. I am a bit overwhelmed. By people and crowds and more people. And tired. And my feet hurt. I have changed. I used to love big malls full of lots of people and big stores full of clothes that were to like and buy: and now i am the opposite. I am sick of tons of people, and walking and the oppertunity to spend money. My favorite thing about today was Starbucks, some cool new shoes and people watching. I love to people watch. Dream up their situations, and dream up their personality and wonder am I missing out? Not knowing them. Them being strangers? Hm. I guess I will never know.... ? I want life in every word to the extent that it is absurd:: I've been thinking alot about this lately. What I make life out to be, and how I should. I take for granted what I have, what I can have, what I can see, what I should see; etc. etc. So: this is my forever goal. Each and every aspect of my day means something... yes, whether good or bad. But it's beautiful. Because it's life, it's living. and that's all I Really have to do right now. :). I am going to include some lyrics of a song by a wonderful band named Copeland. I've been listening to them all night here. These lyrics make more sense, then well... sense? Smiles to all, I love you each. Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. But somehow, I hear your song resound: A little bit softer each day. And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. You have my attention, like you've had all the while. Since the first day you made my heart smile, with loving eyes and tired sighs that flow. You have my attention, like a shout through a empty sanctuary. Speak but a whisper, i'll hear a sermon. I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. I'll sing along, the whole night through. While you sleep safely, i'm thinking about you. You Have My Attention.