My Merry Christmas.

So... Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is the day of all days.... the day that we have all been so anxiously awaiting, and with joyful hearts and a house full of family and food, supposed to be celebrating. His birth.
Christmas has become more and more less like Christmas, as time goes by and each year passes. To me, Christmas has become a hallmark holiday in which I would be much happier skipping, a holiday that has been stolen by a whole bunch of "materialistic jerks" who think 24 hour shopping hours and doing anything in their will to make more money during the holidays. Through my anger towards this, I will not ever forget the gifts I recieve every day, and espescially learn to appreciate during the holidays... a warm house, food in my stomach, a Grandma's house to go to over the holidays, wonderful friends.... etc. And I don't want to make this entry sound like I am not appreciating this. I just don't feel it this year. I just don't think I've ever felt it.
Working in a grocery store, in which hours change for one day of the year, closing at 4 instead of 9 have kind of made my eyes even more open to how much I hate it. People rely on these hours, apparently. Its like "OH NO! The store is closing for two days, what will we do?!" What will you do? Im sure you have just enough food in your houses, and not renting movies for two days will do you some good. The things I have enjoyed most over the holidays include wonderful friends to hang out, and a great time at my Grandparents todays, and some wonderful gifts in which I have been having fun giving... and some I have had recieved. And... It's Christ's birthday. Tomorrow is a day for me to relax.... Sometimes I just feel like the meaning has been buried underneath a materalistic world, and the stress of the Christmas season makes my grudgery towards Christmas even more worse.
A friend gave me this, except where I will put spaces, she put my name. Try it with yours. It's my Christmas present to you.... a beautiful one at that:

Father, __ is my personal glory.... I glow when I think of __. That's because I love __ as if __ were the only one in all the world to love. I believe in __ potential. I see so much in __ life. Im excited about all you have in store for __.
Keep __close to you father. Help ___ realize that you and I dream BIG dreams for __. I ask you to take extra good care of __. Those days when __ feels like the world is against __, and no one understands, let __ sit in your lap-- just like a child. Wrap your strong arms around __ and wipe __ tears away.
Sometimes, Father, __ dosen't show __ tears. Sometimes __ does all __ crying on the inside. Help __ feel comfortable enough around you to ACT on what __ FEELING.
__ so hard on _self... times when __ __ own worst enemy- beating __self up over not meeting someone's expectations. Teach __ that YOUR expectations are what's really important in life.
__ so much fun. Lord, I love laughing with ___. SOmetimes we just talk about daily stuff- like who's spreading rumors about __, __ latest grade in math class, trying to get so-and-so to notice __. And you know what? I love it! Im glad __ knows theres absoutely NOTHING too big or too small to pray about. Im thrilled __ knows that we care about everything.
Im concerned about unity, Father. I want __ to live in harmony and peace with those around __. Help __ to get over this feeling of having to be right all the time. Help me teach __ humility and geniune concern for others. I crave unity between my children... I want them to have the same kind of oneness that you and I have. Keep __ safe. Protect __. We'll walk by __ side together, Father. We'll take each step that __ takes, and we'll feel everything __ feels. the good AND the bad. The laughter, the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the joy. I want to experience all of that with __.
Ive told __ a lot- even wrote it all down with __... a personal collection of letters. I hope __ listens. Im going to keep talking to __- leading __ and guiding __- through that Spirit that i'll pour inside of __, and through my letters. Im concerned that __ hears and understands my voice. If __ just read my letters, everything will make sense. Help __ do that, Father. ANd assist __ in being consisent to getting to know us.
the world hates ___. They hate her because __ dosen't really fit in. ANd im glad __ not fitting in, because __ no more a part of this world then I am. But __ wants to fit in- forgetting that __ real home is with us... and that it's far beyond __ wildest imagination. I wish we could give __ a little taste of heaven, Father. But, I know.
That's where faith comes in. Help me to increase __ faith. I want nothing more for __ then to bcome all we dream of her to be.
I'll be joining you soon. And together, we'll work on getting __ house ready. In my place, though, i'll leave my very own personality- my Spirit- full of everything that I am, for __ fufillment and success.
I love __ so much, im giving my very own life for __ growth in holiness and truth and understanding. My life for __. It's worth it, Father. We have a genuine treasure when we have __.

Isen't that beautiful?
I hope you guys all feel more of Christmas then I do. To say the least, I have much more then I should and deserve to have. But God is good that way, hey?
Merry Christmas!
Love: to each and all of you. You change my life in oh so very many different ways each and every day.

Look Up, The Snow Is Falling And It Looks Like Love. Wait...

So... I just woke up. I haven't been at my best todays: im real tired, and somewhat sore and a little heartbroken. Mhm. I hate that feeling when you get up and you realize that you have to go somewhere. I have a Christmas concert to go to tonight and a mini family gathering. My eyes hurt. And look, I'm already overthinking.... :!
I find it my most easiest flaw is to find out how truely beautiful something is, when I have lost it. I really, more then anything, like to think things through until I have made sure it is something I like and something I can trust. I take for granted too often, to easy, and I don't hold tight enough grip on these things. So. We're going to work on that, we're being me. Because I think I am sometimes a bit of a too logical thinker. That's what I think... and it's funny because I think logical but I am not practical at all in any sense. I live in my dreams, and they get the best of me.
People get to me todays. Espescially todays. Honestly, what has Christmas become? Each new advertisement makes me sick. We've truely forgotten the purpose of Christmas under all the lights, 24 hour shopping, chocolates; etc. And what is "Happy Holidays" instead of "merry Christmas?" and what is it that a average person spends more then $1000 on Christmas? Makes sense, yes. But is it necessary? Giving is all nice and fun. I love it. But everybody just sit back and RELAX. There's something much more important then wrapping all your gifts on time, and having the perfect light display and the house perfect for company. It's Jesus. Have we forgotten the meaning of this season? This is supposed to be a celebration. I think everybody is just too stressed out to remember that. Including me. So. And gossip. I hate gossip. Too sit and listen to people gossip drives me THROUGH THE WALL and it's somewhat dumb, because I am too good at it myself. Enough of this. We should boycott it. Sound good? Yep, I think so.
This morning I had the privledge to see two of my relatves get baptized this morning at Forest Grove. It was a real nice service, and it's defnitely real cool to see someone that you know take that step. For anybody to take that step. And i forget about my own experience. I got baptized once! I was on that high once! Wow. Im working on it. I am. :)
But i need to go now to go to church. So, I hope you guys all have a good night and remember: the reason. I'm trying to too.

Someday I Will Ask You If I Was A Disapointment. I Will Ask You If You Put Your Heart and Money Into A Bad Investment.

I have made todays wonderful.
Mhm. My life has I knew it, changed so much over these past few months. And to have something... "normal" again todays made it wonderful.
I guess I have got caught up in myself and my problems these last few months. I've made, more then enough, mistakes and I haven't been the best to react to current or past situations. I'll admit it here, I am a sullen girl. I like living somewhat in the dark ( :) emo. i don't think so. :$) I like to think and worry about things until I have gotten them worked out... and during that time period I find myself horrible uninviting, unfriendly, loner... you know. im sorry. im quite good at that: i have to admit. but i'd rather it be wonderful. i'd rather share good times. i'd rather make the most of what i have. even if people tend to get you down alot. and life is good at that as well.
so: todays. 8 i was up. I love ponytail days. and peanut butter and jam for breakfast days. at church by 9:15. we did a runthrough of the songs we were singing, which was nice because i missed two practices that week and the practice that i did get to we were thinking that the whole thing was a lost cause. or i was. :). um... had some good sunday school discussion going on: as always. Ed is defnitely on my hero lists. He's so incredibly down to earth, but yet he is so wise, and he never, ever judges. ever. i love sunday school. i sometimes wish that it could go through the church service. i don't much enjoy services, i'll say that much... I just don't like the fact that there is special music and the way people clap after everything. ok, i know i am not going to probably get the best response here: but honestly, if your singing in church or something, your doing it for God. not for an audience. I mean, you had the audience and all, but... anyone get me? I get me. And worship is just not worship for me at my church. I mean, it is selfish to say that much because worship is worship wherever you are and whoever is singing, but i can never really get into it. you know? but we sang. and i did my solo. and apparently made a ridicilous face after which i got ridicueled for. but we laughed alot during the service. And wow: the message today was ever so amazing. It just woke me up to who I am and my priorties and the way I handle things. I mean, God is that light. And he will shine brighter and longer then any of these other things we desire here on earth.
I then headed into the city. I defnitely am too awesome at christmas shopping. lol... um. not exactly, but almost! Starbucks... mhm: for lunch. And the stupid esculator stopped and it got all over me. Oh well, it is a story to tell. :D:D. We did the Toys R Us thing. that was fun. I love that place... then we had a candy picnic and it was ever so nice. and nice out. thank you graham. i headed over to the library, to find those books that i had on request were gone. oh well. headed home and found out that i am awesome at getting ready fast. I dressed up tonight: A dress and all. It was quite fun. Sat up with the cool people on the balcony, at Salem. Listened to some awesome music the whole night... really. I espescially enjoyed Lee and Jeremy's "My First Noel" Then! my turn! I sang in the mass choir, 5 songs including the Hallejuah chorus and it was one of my favorite experiences. Phil is the best director ever, there is no one better. And to hear all those voices behind you and around you and it's just.... incredible. All these people singing to the same God, for the same reason, with the same purpose. It's just really neat. Then we took some nice pictures, and Bryce and Chrissy came over for a couple of hours. We hung out in my kitchen, and ate toast (chrissy is best at it) and talked lots. Which is always nice... and now I am wasting my night away on here. So, good night all! I hope you had a wonderful day as well!

Tired Of Walking This Alone.

i can't do this on my own.
and i am sick of thinking that i can. and trying too.
I don't ask God for his guidance enough. I realize that every day that I don't is a day wasted. Really and truely.
Walking this road alone has been my most stupid decision. and always will be.
Life has a way of throwing so many things at us. But to find purpose in these things is what means most.
I am not one to go into specifics. You know that all, already. But I will say this much: things just seem to get worse and worse... one thing after another: these days adleast. But... (!) i am okay. I am okay with this. I realize that he has a purpose for it all, and I am beginning to learn that. Maybe not learning that purpose, and maybe I never will, but.
I am at peace. promise.
the thing I will say i am not proud of learning is that, you cannot trust quite anyone. My walls have been put back up... and they will proabably continue to climb.
and I am hungry: for you love. and im starving for: better times. and I really don't get how this happened. i don't get it but i am okay: trust me. just remember that i don't think i can do this again. i don't think i can but i know i will. so: find comfort in that much. and maybe someday it will fly. maybe. Seasons change: they change when you don't seem to notice. All of a sudden, wind grows cold and the snowflakes start to fall. It's kind of like when I fell in love with you, I, didn't even notice, when you didn't love me anymore.
and that's it. I miss all my friends and I can't wait till this over. i really can't.
susie suh tonight for me. mostly "recognition" and. missing you. and... a walk outside. and dreaming of a train bridge stroll: thats it. some more hot chocolate (4th cup. :p) as well. but i have taken your hand,God. and I thank you for being there. always. i thank you for being okay. i thank you for christmas decorating with alex, and e-mails, and hero stories handset by curtis, and hot chocolate, and plans... i miss my deathcab, i really do.

good night. sleep tight, and all that other nice stuff....

Too Many Times I've Wanted To Turn Around And Walk Away.

I am happy todays because I chose to be.
So what if disappearing seems to be the most desirable thing right now... Let's, just for once, forget all the traits and tragedies of life. It's just too much to feel sometimes. Sometimes, forgetting is all we have. And can do. So, let's disappear in a ray of sunshine to some unforgettable unknown world and dance in sense that we don't have to think about... anything. Let's forget about time, and the fact that we don't have much of it... until infinity ends (ha)
I am a tragedy in the sense that i am too sullen. This perfect mold of whom I have created for myself through my image is fake... all fake. Don't take note of that. I am a mess. I have no remedies for myself or for life and i am too set on happiness. Im either looking all the wrong places, or I am looking too hard. that's it. I exagerate too much on my trust issues, but let my guard down to someone in whom I thought I could bring it down. I think the awnser to all my problems here is in leaving. The awnsers to these problems are reconciliation... before leaving. The awnser to my happiness is faith in God that I shall be content with what I have... and with life. I was given a chance to be something different, and im basking in a deep hole of darkness because I don't have things right. What is... right? Logic is a bunch of bull. Life isen't logic. It's... living. I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I shouldn't worry so much. I should focus on the fact that this is short, and there is so much else that needs to be done for others, and not for myself. The one thing I will worry about is: i've been the fool. and i'm deep in this. and i will do anything to make it right again. i will. just promise me you'll give it another chance. Maybe it was fading and is fading away.... but i'll grab hold to it before it's gone if you help me. please?

so i have closed my eyes now. and i am disappearing....
but no worries. i will be back tomorrow.
and tomorrow I will be doing my best to catch this slow fade of love. and life. because i am letting it slip away....

I Fear That Was My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake.
How can we be in surronded with so much people, so much noise and light and.... anxiety? It slips in, overtakes us with the trace of bad memories.
I don't know myself anymore. I was so content with the thought of finally finding it.... but it has slipped away again. How do I let it? Isen't that all I want....?
I'm. Clueless.
Im stuck contimplating whether I make everyone else happy and lose myself or find it and...
Tonight. i just don't feel right. Because I may have let my guard down, and trusted to much. I thought it was right, but I take that back. I don't know what I am anymore.
a poem. tonight.... for: life. I just don't know how tonight took place, or why. I just know that tomorrow I will open my blinds and pertend there is sunshine. okay?
I just need to disappear, even if it's just tonight.


I will remember you as the artist or two that tried to screw me over, because it's the bolder thing to do. I've made myself the fool, who is falling for you. So let me down softly this time, so I won't have to come back crying. I've just made myself look bad, your the one that should be mad. It'd be better to forget you, but I don't really want to.
and what am i, darling? a whisper in your ear, a piece of your cake? Here's to you and your love. I've got years to wait around for you...

Race That Needs To Be Finished

So:
A little bit of heart beating never did anyone wrong, did it?
Well, mine is. Fast. I just called the "wrong" number or so i assume, or um, hope. I got the awnser I knew I should have gotten for calling at that time. But: Honestly, I feel gross... and freaked out.
I never seem to get it right. I am always left with a feeling after something that I have not done my best, or I have not made the right decision, or...
Just this whole happiness thing. Like, I've been defeated. Like I couldn't do it on my own so... yeah. I am saying more then I should.
this week has been good, and I appreciate that fact. But i feel like I am not trying hard enough at this: Life. And it's like I am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that I put off making any decision. I just... I want to get next year right. I want to get this year right. I just... want to get everything right, you know?
My Mom says im a perfectionist. If i don't get things right the first time, then I give up. I think it's something like that. I've given up, because I couldn't get it right. But I need or needed to try again.
Sometimes it's harder getting up after we have fallen. But, there is a race to finish... one I need to finish as well. And i took the easy way out...
God's there. He'll help me.
I can do this.

You Said It Was Like Christmas. But You Were Wrong, It Wasn't Like Christmas At All.

So. It's been snowing these past two days, and I can't lie and say that i don't like it. Because i do... I like when it it's lightly snowing. It's pretty. And promising. And guess what? Tomorrow is December! I just hate November. There are various reasons which I will not go into but it's done. tomorrow. so.
Now that i've sat through two group discussion/ lecture things over the past 2 days I have some to say: Teen Challenge was really good. Those presentations get old, they really, really do. But today was good, he had our attention. There is nothing better then having someone speak that has gone through something like that, and they come out of it and end up inspiring other people with their own story. And the two other guys, just older then us were really good. I was impressed. Life is about choices.... whether you make a good one or not is your... choice. ha. Im big on this choice thing: these next months bring alot of choices.
so let me tell you about my awkward art class todays: well. So... the guy I went out with, for, um, a week maybe two? and my Andy and this other guy are usually like the "unstoppable four" in art class. And it was fun. But then I broke up with him. And things got... awkard. So today Andy was gone. And for some reaon, Julian wasen't showing up. So: we sat. Quietly. And then Julian came. finally.. but it was really... um. bad. I wasen't sitting beside him in the first place, but my teacher made me because I was not in a good spot for the people that were presenting.
I am anticipating EVERYTHING after work tonight. Yay! Movies and supper with the girls tomorrow! Chrissy and I are going on a thrift shop/ camera crazy spree on friday and then I get to work with Curtis. and our history test somehow got moved to next week, through Mr. Cross's excellent organizing.
:), :).
we also got our pictures today. Lucky me, got no indivitual one of myself... but I did get my class picture. Interesting, that one...
so. im going to go and eat peanut butter pittas and then off to work!
goodbye.

listening: "Swing Life Away" Rise Against "A Warning Sign" Coldplay

I've Made Myself The Fool, Who Is Falling For You...

3:00 tuesday. anticipating getting out of here once again.
snow outside. pretty....
more laundry to do, some english as well. but.
good day.
I love good days.
So far.

Am I loud and clear, or am i breaking up?
Am i still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine, if you show yours first.
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

We live on front porches, and swing life away.
We'll get by just fine here with minimum wage.
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long, I think it's time to move
The winter's too cold, and summer is over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that i hardly know
But we've had some times, that I wouldn't trade for the world
We'll chase these days down with the talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here with minimum wage
If love is a labor i'll slave to the end
I won't cross these streets.... until you hold my hand.
(Rise Against)

It's Cold As You Fade Into The Sun, Where'd You Go? To Me?

look, it's snowing.
this day has been bizarre. more then bizarre. just.
so many things in life come and go... and it's hard when they do. go. I just... I woke up this morning with the effects of something i wish I hadn't even taken. In taking this I feel like I have given up on something that I could have tried harder to get. I feel... defeated.
And. my cat died this morning.
And vinny's grandma's funeral was this morning. We went and I cried. a bit. he will always be a hero in my eyes, and I just worry about what's going on now. Where will he live? Will be okay? He dosen't seem. okay.
but I don't think really anyone feels that way todays.
First class spare I went to the post service to mail a letter. I came back to school, and found out that that reciever of that letter had arrived in Waldheim at 12 last night, and had disappeared sometime early this morning.
I feel sick. I did yesterday. I missed Justin's birthday for that.
I tried sleeping last night. but i didn't much suceed.
i havent suceeded at much of anything lately.
I guess just today I need redirection, a bit. And it's just one day. It's just today.
I just feel a little lost.

listening: remy Zero "Fair" Gregory and the Hawk "The Bolder Thing To Do"

Sing Again For Me That Long Forgotten Song.

There is no reason not to smile when you wake up on a Saturday morning, at whatever time you desire, and you open the curtains... and there's sunshine.
And you can just sit in your bed and listen to good music and write in your journal and just have time.... time. Time to do what you would desire to do with it. If anyone thinks about it, we waste so much time worrying about the next day and what comes that we waste yet another day doing that. I guess i'm just trying to relax myself with the thoughts of what next year brings, and well, my future, ha.
I know there is lots to do todays: work, finally finish that letter, chores, english essay, math, clean my room, do laundry, work on my alto parts for 2 choirs, a worship team and another group for church. But. That is okay. It's sunny outside and God just feels, so real. Todays.
How does this work, exactly? Why do we feel him when we are happy, but not so when we are alone. and miserable. We watched this video yesterday at a friend's youth group and there was a point brought up in it about how we ask "Where is God?" but instead we should ask "Where isen't he?" He's defnitely there. Everywhere. We just need to look a little harder...?
I am in love with a song. It's "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's and if you have not heard it already then you really should. There is nothing better. Well, almost. And Cat Power. And John Mayer. And the song below. This morning.
I realized I have not posted a entry up in quite some while, somewhat. I guess my thoughts have been kind of lost between the worrying i've done about school and other stuff, But Christmas will be here soon enough (one month) and i am loving the weather quite honestly. I think I am defnitely going to Sabines today to hang out, the journal and some coffee seem quite appealing. If you want to do something tonight, i work 5 through 9 but you can call me at work, although I know most of you are at guys provincials (I would like to know how they are doing!)
Anyways. Have a good day.

Tired but I ain't sleeping
Thinking about some sad affair
And why i should be leaving
Cause some of these thoughts only seem to take me out of here
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
Thinking about tomorrow tired form all the time I spare
On what I still believe in When none of my talk ever seems to get me anywhere
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long bye my friend so long
So long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long Tired but I ain't dreaming falling into solid air
And why I must be leaving or one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they're so easy to make
So long, bye my friend so long so long will it ever happen again
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been creating for you so long
You know the light ain't fading from you
Nothing could save me from you so long
(Beth Orton)

New Life Break Away... Tonight, I Feel Like More Tonight, I...

I don't really exactly know where I am anymore. It seems as if, I have not one moment to spare with all the stuff that I should be doing, but I waste away it (msn and this blog...). I feel a little closed in, suffocated in a mess items on my "to-do" list. I used to live for going out. Not anymore, this girl goes out once or twice a week maybe, and going out is feeling guilty for the extent of it of what i should be doing, and finds herself signed up for something as stupid as a dodgeball team, another item on a list that feels so... hard. Work is good, better then ever probably, and the grades at school are going well. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we run ourself to we cannot take it not anymore? And what makes us hit that wall and realize, where have I been? I really don't know where i've been, or what's really going on with me, until a doctor has to tell me what really is, going on. My biggest worry is still, next year. I have been applying for information like a crazy person for schools, and more schools and yet more schools. I get nerveracking phone interviews, and packages of information that I don't really "feel" I have the time to go through.
and where is God? I don't really know. I know i've pushed him aside on the priorties list, and that is eating away at me but yet I don't do much about it. How are we so.... lazy? I've been lazy. And im sick of it, im sick of procastinating assignments (cough, couch.... um, art!) and running myself dry in those last moments, and i am sick of feeling i have not enough time to go out with a friend for coffee, who needs me more and who I really need., make a simple call to my grandparnets to say a happy birthday, sit down and hang out with my siblings, sit down with some books and some Christmas music and... I just... i think i've lost myself?
So, underneath all those piles of things is God. I know he's still there, and I think maybe i'm going to go and try to clean that up right now.

Carefree is what we claim we want to be, free to live this life that we have found, and it is living when we our laying our lives down for someone not of ourself. I think it's time to close my eyes, forget this mess. Tried to fix this but how can I forget these things that I have never done?

Lately It Seems As If I'm Chasing What Time Has Already Resolved.

we are just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, there is no relief for this beating heart...

So: I so told myself I shouldn't go on msn tonight but here I am. I am ever so bad with that... Im working on english right now, or trying. We have to come up with something that we fear most, and different words we associate with that fear. and tomorrow we will write a in-class essay on it, so I am kind of fed up with my english teacher but i will deal with it. it's school and that is almost done, so.
I went to the doctor todays. and that was a long and be-patient experience. Alot of what went on was a little bit scary, and a little new for me but I am learning that I have to deal with this, and that as much as I really think I hate my doctor, she's trying to help me out. But. That's all im going to say about it, a decision I made with myself and with my parents.
My Mom dropped me off at the library and I had myself a good time. I am ever such a geek: wow. I got the coolest photography book, and tons of cds and some novels for actual reading. This might sound weird, but you want to know where the actual knowledgeble people in our world are? In the library. They all come in, and they look not like they have much of a homelife, or lots of money (maybe they do and they just chose to not appear like it), but they are walking out with books on everything and everything. I sat outside with my iPod and waited... and watched people. There was tons of people out todays: it was beautiful. Kind of cold, but the sun and the crowds made me happy.
Then we went and my Mom bought me starbucks: a peppermint mocha, mhhmm. and I looked for some hair dye, but I couldn't quite figure it out with the time i had. and we talked and I flipped through my new teenvogue (guilty obsession:Yes) and listened to Tori Amos as we drove home. and we figured out quite exactly what i wanted for Christmas. and she dropped me off at work with my curtis and we ever had so much fun. ha. You know, not exactly. But... it was good. and i got the most beautiful note from Alli todays. lol, and the funny thing is i have this major huge art assignment tomorrow due and im not even near done: but that is okay because i am like 3rd last at presenting. But i am defnitely going to have to get on that: honestly.
Tomorrow I have choir, an english assignment due, work and among other things to do like figure out what im doing with my life, work on that art, and i owe letters. to numerous people. so. i am going to go: now.

xx.

listening to: Rilo Kiley's "more Adventerous"

It Seems Like Just Yesterday We Had The World Our Way...

Random.... yes:

Brooke's favorite things: as of: Todays: Nov. 20th! 3:30 pm.
- brocolli
- alli's hugs!
- glitter
- being bossy. to kate, ha.
- smelling like forever strawberries with Chrissy (soo the beatles.)
-Angel food cake that we didn't get any of
- pertending to do my homework (going to get me no where)
- mhm! starbucks! i could go for a hot chocolate. or two.
- traffic patrollers with Chrissy and Alex! with the lack of big orange costumes- justin, you need to work on that- next year!
- Last night. and trains. sometime shall we? :).
- Steph forgetting my name. Oh yeah, we've been friiiennds forrever
- awkwardly dropping cups. or plates.
- worrying. wait, cut that ONE! ugh.
- talking to Terri last night!
- cute boys.
- laughing so hard there is tears in those eyes of yours. of mine actually.
- curtis's brownies
- coming up with ways to get out of going to the doctors tomorrow
- Rilo Kiley
- dancing in my yard of sunshine, Rachel Yamagata in my head
- trying to be happy and suceeding.
and she could go on...

3 things she wishes she could just Figure Out:
- how to be happy forever. and all ever.
- next year
- myspace. html

5 Things She Would Like To Do Right Now:
- be somewhere else
- not have any homework
- hold hands
- wear a dress. because the weather would be perfect enough, it just would.
- see Rilo Kiley. live and in concert.

4 Things she Needs to get done before tomorrow:
- her english assignment
- adleast the questions for art
- go to alex's
- renew her library books

2 Songs she's been listening to non stop this afternoon:
- "Absence ofGod" Rilo Kiley
- "Spiders" Lovedrug

1... i cannot think of one.

Lists. I Love lists.
I heart you: all.

Well I Waited I Was Wasting Away...

its late, 12 possibly. only second class beginning tomorrow: she's smiling. about that. maybe only.
Death cab's "Brothers on A Hotel Bed" and myspace are keeping her busy. She knows she should finish the english and get some sleep, but...
sigh.
what's sleep anyways? what's lieing in bed for hours trying? because afterall, she dosen't go to sleep to dream. she can do that fine on her own.

Life, is.... hard. It's going to keep on being hard, because that's just the way it is. There are forever going to be people in my life who continue to totally piss me off, and situations that leave me hurting, and where my physical self isen't doing too great, whether it be in a doctor or a therapists office. I just... wish. That. I could just let it go. you know? Stop worrying. Stop worrying about everything that's going on. Because it's tearing me: apart. I wish I could just escape to somewhere where people need me, off to Africa to give flu shots and feed starving children with the money from all the stupid things that I own, that will mean nothing forever and ever. and ever. And then I wish that people in my school would be alot less stupid, and just things.. at home and, and it could just be as easy as it once was. wait, when was that? hm.
Deep breath.

She knows that it won't change with her complaining about it. Deep breath. Just let it go...

How is it we let go of so many days, of so many moments, minutes...? I hate that feeling of the day being slipped away. Why didn't I grab it? Live it? Why did I just let it drown? You see, i'll never get it back. I let those go. Why can't I let this go?

sleep? mhm....
yes, sleep.
good night.

I Guess No One Said This Would Be Easy.

Brooke is: eating a sandwich
pertending she is happy
listening to Rilo Kiley (because she knows no other way of making things better)
dreading work
should be doing english
in need of a hug or two
sick of people asking if she's okay
thinking of skipping choir tonight
really, really cold
sick of people telling her to eat more
Wishing maybe that tomorrow will be okay.
Wishes she was somewhere else.
Wishes that people would stop asking about the bruises
Wishes she could just close her eyes until things were better again.

{ listening intently } I feel the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees. And maybe ours, is the cause of all mankind. Give love to make more, try to stay alive.

At Such A Great Height.

Mood.... look, look! It's... happy. :)

Beautiful Things about Todays:
* No Math Teacher
* Chad: Not Laughing. (and no. i don't believe you.)
* Keeping Andy
* Two notes.
* Dressing dorky and not even feeling it. (a dress and cut up tights is so the way to go. oh and flats.)
* Hugs
* Lunchtime.
* Grapefruit pop
* good hair days
* An Adventure.
* Broken Social Scene
*Dancing in the empty classroom (almost. :) ) all by myself (or so i thought)
* Yet another "song for me" from Bryce
* Laughing with Kate
* Not doing art and not breaking a pencil
* Metric!
* Writing letters
* Mr. Hinz stories
* Hanging out with Chrissy tonight!
* Curtis is out to get Jay and Chris for being perverted boys to me and andy. and to that test lab for sticking that needle in my arm for 5 minutes!
* Yes. My awesome dodgeball team is going to rule tomorrow, that is right. :).
* Two new bands to like

Ha. And the afternoon song is: (Oh So Postal Service)

'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suitLike a perfect gentlemenI'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick Where you will sit and contemplate your day I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink I'll be the photograph that plays your favorite Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...You won't have to strain to look into my eyes I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat With the collar up so you won't catch a coldI want to take you far from the cynics int his town And kiss you on the mouth We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,Start a brand new colony Where everything will change,We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)The sun will heat the grounds Under our bare feet in this brand new colony, Everything will change...

let's do something crazy, k?

:).

xx.

Deeper.

Jesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heart
Lord my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord...

Tonight. Tomorrow. And the next day...
I believe you.
That brings a smile to my heart. Because, for tonight, things are alright.

I Know You're There But I Can't Feel You

please excuse this blog, it's just my feelings tonight, feelings that I want to be okay again,

One thing I want so bad at the moment: Is to feel God. I know he' s there, but I don't feel him. I doubt so much, I complain so much, and yet he's here, he is.
Let's amend this classic story; close it so beautifully. I'll let amionsity unwind, steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully, i'll still feel the violence of the lines: God Called In Sick Todays.
Why can't I just take that into hand and.... I do my devotions, I go to church, I talk to him, but it's just... not... right. You know? And i don't know how to change that. I don't get know to get back to him, is it that I make things right with myself before I go back to him? Sure, I talk to him and ask him about it, but how am I supposed to know the awnsers? Sure, i'll say I need an experience, something like camp, but. I don't think that's what I need. I mean, it'd be nice but... I don't know, does anyone understand? Sorry. I'm a little broken tonight. Well, I guess it started....
Take this as you like, but please, please don't judge, please don't take "me" differently:
I went to the doctors this morning. I don't know, if you've been reading my blog anytime then you probably knew the syptoms I was suffering with. Well, bascially she cut down everything and quetsioned me like only a therapist should be doing. She told me I need to cut down things from my life, first on the list, working. She says I am underweight and I need to gain weight. She asked me quetsions about my eating appetites and my concern for my weight, and things that have been bothering me and... She says i need to go on meds. Like, what kind of meds? Well. Let's not go into this. then she made me get my blood taken at this other lab, and on my way there my truck spun out and that's where I was sick. I was sick of everything. But I was angry. I was angry at her because the way she talked to me as if she knew what was going on with me. And my Mom flipped and now she's onto this whole big thing about asking me quetsions and counscellors and...
I don't want to feel like this. I really didn't need it. I thought i was good, and things were fine but. I don't know where I am now. right now, no. I just want to live life the way I have been. I mean, with God. but.
the whole day wasen't bad, I promise. I am in a fine mood I guess, I just don't really feel like I should be. I spent the afternoon at the library: just me and Eva Casidy and my art books and my notebook. And that was fine, I got some stuff done. I wandered the mall for a while, and ate a bagel AND soup for lunch just to prove her wrong, even though I felt really sick after. and wandered some more. Then Zach came and, well. I know he'll be reading this soon enough, so just thanks. You get me and you let me talk and I don't know how to explain it, but thanks.
The ride home was okay, although kinda icy. And when I got home Chad called for coffee, but I wasn't allowed. Which is quite fine, although I was happy to be invited. Mhm. Man, I just sound horrible, I realy need to get ontop of this whole negative thing, I really do.
Thanks for reading. Really. That in itself means much.

You Hold The Universe, You Hold Everyone On Earth, You Hold the Universe. Hold me tonight, please.

I See It.

what is it that helps us get back on the track again? Life is a long, long road and getting on and off track seems to be totally all of it that it is. But you have to have the lows to be on top. Staying on top is something so perfect, so perfect that we never really will...? I see: a ray of light. It is far off, but it is there, and there is enough comfort in that fact. So: I am smiling, even though my feet hurt and my eyes as well, and what I really could go for right now is a coffee. I love rides. Any kind. It's dorky, but tis is true enough. There is something so pretty about something so simple. For a second there, the excitement in it is thrilling enough, to forget. It is closing your eyes and escaping from the world. I am one so scared of reality, but not the unknown. Escaping is nice. This is what this weekend has been, escaping from the reality of all that is home. I love the fact that a Chapters and a Starbucks (heading there as soon as Mom returns) are only blocks away, and high speed internet at my fingertips, and sometimes, all those crowds of people make me excited: that is why I am destined to be a city girl: even if it is only for a bit of my life. Althoguh sometimes those crowds makes me lonely, but who can help that? I mean, you are surronded by groups of friends, and lots of couples, and you just wish you had someone with you, even if it's quiet. Even if it's quiet. Returning home will be my reality: how i handle it is my choice. So: Im trying to figure out how this will be done. But i miss people. I am more then thankful for friends. I had so many gorgeous conversations last night, ones that will not be forgotten. There is nothing better. There is nothing better then people that accept you through and through, and care enough to listen when your troubled, or feel comfortable enough to share with you what is going on with them. I could go on, but all i really want to say is: Thanks. It's funny because my thoughts seem to be more together and much more substantial in my mind, but is when I write in this blog that they are lost and so mixed up, but I guess it is the way that it is supposed to be, I guess? Anyways. Leave me a comment or two, an e-mail, anything! xx. Listening: Copeland: In Motion (guess who picked that one up?)

To The Extent That It's Absurd.

So, this is going to be an entry consisting of a mix of thoughts from both days that I've been gone. I started one last night, but I got distracted by wonderful coversations with beautiful people whom I am privledged to know, :) I apologize for the layout of this entry, it's not letting me move the previous stuff up, so it's kinda annoying but I think it is still readable, yes? :: Thursday, November 10/ 05

long drives make everything else seem so clear. We, I, take advantage of what we have around us... there is so much beauty in a simple tree, a simple sky, in a stranger we see walking down the street. Long drives make me appreciate my surronding. We are oh so blind. It's funny when we talk about a scenic point, for example, Niagera Falls and saying it is truely amazing. I mean, oh yes that it is, but have we stopped to see what we have in our own hometown/ home area? Hm. that is just something that i have realized. I would like a walk right now. A walk in the rain. With the lights shining pretty and the noise in the way, but not really, wish I had a companion... So this is has been a good night for conversation. It's one of those nights where everybody seems to be kind of maybe going through the same thing, and so it is alot easier to relate, you know? It's been good, anyway, Well. I have so much more to say but I am a bit busy, so I decided not to post this entry up, because it is lacking in... well. Words. And defnitely substance. Friday, November 11/ 05 It is the end of the day (nearly) when we become aware of how worn out we really are. So my so called sickness, is heading the direction of being from stress. And, its easy to deny that when I feel like I spend so much time doing aboustely nothing (you know... long hours on msn, etc) But then I look back on the events that have happened the past few weeks and it makes somewhat more sense. The question "What is new?" is asked so often in conversations, that we find ourself saying "Nothing" even if we really do have something going on: We are afraid of what they will think, or if the subject is not important enough to be brought up: But yet we have to realize how much people really do care, and really are willing to hear you out: This is something that is being made clear. I have so many real, real awesome friends and I take advantage of that fact. So thank you. All of you. You do not know how much of me you make up, ha. I am a bit overwhelmed. By people and crowds and more people. And tired. And my feet hurt. I have changed. I used to love big malls full of lots of people and big stores full of clothes that were to like and buy: and now i am the opposite. I am sick of tons of people, and walking and the oppertunity to spend money. My favorite thing about today was Starbucks, some cool new shoes and people watching. I love to people watch. Dream up their situations, and dream up their personality and wonder am I missing out? Not knowing them. Them being strangers? Hm. I guess I will never know.... ? I want life in every word to the extent that it is absurd:: I've been thinking alot about this lately. What I make life out to be, and how I should. I take for granted what I have, what I can have, what I can see, what I should see; etc. etc. So: this is my forever goal. Each and every aspect of my day means something... yes, whether good or bad. But it's beautiful. Because it's life, it's living. and that's all I Really have to do right now. :). I am going to include some lyrics of a song by a wonderful band named Copeland. I've been listening to them all night here. These lyrics make more sense, then well... sense? Smiles to all, I love you each. Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. But somehow, I hear your song resound: A little bit softer each day. And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. You have my attention, like you've had all the while. Since the first day you made my heart smile, with loving eyes and tired sighs that flow. You have my attention, like a shout through a empty sanctuary. Speak but a whisper, i'll hear a sermon. I'll sing along, the whole day through. Just do your best to hear me, that's all you can do. I'll sing along, the whole night through. While you sleep safely, i'm thinking about you. You Have My Attention.

It is Okay.

Sleep. I think the thing I dislike most is trying to get into that, and never getting there. I. Well, let's just say I didn't get much sleep last night, two hours at the most? Why? I do not know. All I know was that I was still up at 5:15. What is going on with me? Well. Things are going on, but you think that sleeping would come good and fine. To pass the time I faintly remember a poem or two that I wrote, looking at stars, watched Breakfast at Tiffanys on the laptop and endless amounts of music, and reading a little, as well. I don't know how I will ever catch up, but I think i am feeling okay this afternoon. I mean, I tried to sleep but there are people here replacing the shingles on the roof and this is the afternoon my Mom's piano practicing afternoon. I think I am okay. Scars defnitely heal, there is the point where you just have to forget about it and look it at as it's life, and things will get better, even if that is not in the near time. God is good, and as much as all of this hurts, he's still with me, and I always have him by my side. As well, thank you guys for the comments, it means alot to me (!)
So for my sickness it seems to be getting worse. I have lost my appetite so much where it as I eat a meal a day, and a little bit of coffee and am sick to my stomach full at the end of it. The sleeping thing, well last night was bad, that has never happened. And the hair situation? As bad, I think. And the headaches are more frequent, and the dizziness as well. So, im going to the doctor on monday, and I am sure looking forward to that, get this checked out and over with.
Tonight, I work once again. But for that, I am okay with. Work is life, and I am thankful that I have a job adleast, espesically a job where my friends are my coworkers and my bosses are like real cool versions of my parents. I am off to Edmonton tomrorow, through sunday. Which i am not looking forward to, as much as I should be. Sure, it'll be fun and good but that sounds like a long time. Anyways, feel free to leave beautiful messages on my cellphone (all expenses paid, by myself, :) ) and I am going to find out where I can get some internet access, I am defnitely bringing the laptop along. I'll get some reading and writing done, and Starbucks all the time, and i'll make my dad ride the roller coastor 4 times in a row with me, but only in the front row, because you defnitely don't get the full experience then.
Love. xx.

What has become of this? Its near 2 a.m and I sleeping is impossible. I've got you on the top of my head, and I don't think you will ever fall from there. Getting away is on my mind. Can you come now? Can we lose ourselves now? Can we just push the doubts and the worries aside, and you just take my hand. I just don't think I know where I am now, I think that has slipped away. Why can't it be right? Why can't this be okay? Nothings right. Nothing is right without you.

So Much That It Hurt.

What is it, life? What is that it seems to throw so much trouble in our lives when it's going tough? Why it is when we feel we cannot take anymore, it throws more tough stuff. I just... I am sick of feeling like I wish that I could escape. I am sick of feeling that I am on my own. I feel. Just. Sick. I mean, that probably contribuates to the way I am handling things, but. I just want to crawl into bed and cry, with some Sigur Ros and Damien Rice... but no, work I go, school I go, worship and choir practice, I go, among other things. If you could only push those things aside for a while so you can make things right again. How do we get to "right"? I mean, I know it has something to do with attitude but this has been tough, and I don't really feel like being positive about it. I am being very vague, and that's how I am. Maybe i'll never tell anybody what is really, really bugging me. But i will tell you this:
What is it with people in this freaking town? I will rant about this, cause I do not feel guilt about it. Why don't feelings matter? So. I break up with this guy. Cause I feel unhappy, crowded, cause I feel it is not working out and we were never meant to be, better off friends. I tell this guy, who normally is the happiest-go-lucky kind of guy. And it ruins him. He turns into this totally different guy. And I am the one blamed, the one that suffers for it, I am the one shafted. I mean, not totally shafted, but it's mostly the guys. And sure it's sweet, they all stick up for their friend,and it's cool, but I majorly thought we were friends! i just don't... get it, how my feelings don't seem to matter. Never mind. I will live.
What bascially made the day good today was a tall Pumpkin Spice Latte and Lily on my lap. Lily is the most gorgeous kid you'll ever meet, so much that it hurts. I am currently sitting at a 86 in math, 87 in history, and a 73 in ART- that just angers me hardcore. It's art. But. Whatever, report cards are tomorrow, so I hope everything is good and fine.
If anyone would like to talk tonight, or e-mail or anything. I work 5-9 tonight, so if you want to call around 9:30ish, that would be sweet, but if not, that is cool too. K?
Goodbye.

To Escape.

After sanctification it is difficult to state what your aim in life is, because God has taken you up into his purpose by the Holy Ghost; he is using you now for purposes throughout the world as he used his son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself- God has called me for this and that- you are putting a barrier to God's use of you. As long as you have personal interest in your own character, or any set ambition, you cannot get into identification with God's interests. You can only get there by losing forever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into his purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways. {Oswald Chambers}

Was reading the devotions tonight, and I came across that all. I don't ask God enough what he wants. I tend to get carried away, and as much as dreaming is fun and awesome, do my dreams fit into his plan? I think God can use me in many great ways, can use anyone, whether it be a pro athlete or a teacher; etc. As long as we have faith in and trust in him to put us where he wants us to serve, something like that, anyway.
This has been a hard day. This has been a day where i'd rather not speak of anything, where I wish I could just escape, escape to something that is quiet and where I can be alone. I'm kind of a freak. I love being alone. I hope I don't push people away, because I know I am so capable of that. I wish to close my eyes and escape, yes. Escape to somewhere that it not so unreal that it has to be found through medication, or anything like that. Just escape. This has been a day where as much as I wish people would just leave me alone, I wish they wouldn't, you know? Like, maybe my crys are loud enough to be heard. by someone who cares and would just want to talk, although maybe I am not the best companion. Tomorrow will be better, or more so I like to think...
Thanks for reading.
Love.

listening: Shadowlands, Ryan Adams.

Don't…ohh (smash)
Please don't…ohh (I do, please, another one)
Don't…ohh (smash)Please don't…ohh (I do, please, another one)
You're gonna throw it all away, with no hesitation (Smash)

Lie In The Sound.

dreams. I am not a girl of reality, and not that practical. I like to spend hours "Away" within myself dreaming of experiences and places i have never been, but would give anything too. I have always been in another world, and it is somewhat silly, I have realized. But there is truely nothing better then getting lost in a world that you have designed for yourself, perfect. Like, sometimes I wish I could just escape.. to that world, to that commune. Where the scenery is crazy perfect, and there will defnitely be a Starbucks. And a big, big library. And music: Always. And weather being like -1- +10. Sweater and boots weather. There is something more romantic about that. And the sky is always clear, so there is lots of stars. I love Stars. and there has to be some mountains, and a beach... because the beach is nice when it's cold- just the stars and the sounds and a blanket or three. And lots of lights to light up that water. And lots of big buildings, and a polaroid camera. And that music has to be live. And travelling. And Mountains. And lots of snow on those mountains... and. I don't know. I get lost.
I wish every night was as simple as to be perfect enough with conversation, and maybe a coffee. I live for those kinds of people, that can find that beautiful. That is my goal for life: to find beauty in the simple things and just... live. We get caught up in so many little things, and so many little worries. I have been caught up in this lately, and I've just decided to give this to God, let him figure it out, because I can't do it on my own. Obviously.
So. Hold me up to this, kay? Because I'd really like to see where I am going with that.

For a lack of better words to say, All I said was goodnight. I won’t sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you.

Things, change. Oh so fast.
It has been something that has consuming my thoughts lately. How we are with someone, and then we're not. We are friends with someone, and then suddenly are not. We are close with God, and suddenly not. Circumstances in are life seem to move so quickly from one place to the next, and all we can do is stand back and watch it happen...? I used to hate change. I remember once crying when we got a new truck. Say, don't laugh, I was like 7, but. I hate how we have no control over it. If I could keep some things in my life the same, I would have, grab onto them and put them in my pocket, without no quetsion of "Can I keep you?" It's funny because all this change has affected who we are and who are we are going to be. I will not get it, and I find it hard to let go of memories, to not let them consume me when times are bad. And good.
"What If..." What if this hadn't happened... man alive, I hate that. Defnitely do. I have to stop thinking that, it'll ruin me, I am quite possibly sure. This topic remains the way it is until I think of someway to continue it, which will not come to me tonight. Ah. Its 12:30 already.
So.... it snowed! The first snowfall. and I am... physched. It's magic outside. I promise you. Go make a snow angel for me, i'll remember it forever. Baby, it's cold outside! Ha, can you tell i've been listening to Ella Fitzgerald? I think yes. And... Norah Jones. And songs about winter by matt pond PA. So I did that whole Father- Daughter banquet thing tonight. Kinda awkward, but our thing turned out okay, and for that I am totally glad. Ha Brian was the funniest MC Ever! Aw man, I so miss being a ballerina with Claire...! And Angie (double yay!) and me went to sabines after, and I had a tall mocha and that totally made me happy. And we cut my hair a little, and added some bangs which is pretty sweet.. and now i am tired. Tired of typing, and tired of things being rather blurry. So sweet dreams, allll.
p.s. the title came from... well I can't quite remember at the moment, but I liked it.

I Just Need This To Be Alright.

So. It is done. It's over with.
Relief? Defnitely. The weight of my heart feels slightly less, and the whole thing seemed 200 times easier then I stressed about. I mean... the thing was eating away at my heart for basically, the whole week, and I was just so unhappy with it. And it's funny because it probably took more courage doing that then breaking up with a boyfriend of ten months! And I'm... happy? I am in computer lab, wishing I could check the e-mail, right now, listening to some Iron and Wine and typing away with the risk of a whole bunch of 6th graders reading this... but. And I can't believe it. .... wow. So I should probably let Alex know as I said I would, and get on this speech for tonight, but. I feel more like blogging now.
So. I am the biggest geek, and today I feel it. Ha, the fact that I just walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror at my hair, which I left for school this morning, it being wet and somewhat scrunched into waves... and it is messy. No one, I repeat no one would walk around school with their hair like that, But me... hey. The fact that I spend almost all my spares in this computer lab blogging, reading real long music interviews and listening to music that no one in this school does. The fact that I sit at the coffee shop alone, studying or doing homework... and the fact that I actually do my homework, that is pretty geeky, or so someone said to me todays. The fact that I enjoy coloring little kids coloring books and swings and defnitely playing spy, and the fact that I yell at little kids (no worries.. only junior high ones) if they are in my way, and enjoy it. The fact that I was so excited the other day about going to the library, and then leaving the library without about 200 items... among other things. So... what?
But I am done now, because writing in here seems to take the point out of all of this, it feels as if everyone is watching, and well, they proabably are.
I will write tonight, possibly. Good night all

Right.

Tonight things just don't feel right with me. I feel... tired. And sick. And the fact that I haven't ate anything nourishing since sunday makes me wonder... and the fact that I am horribly tired each and every minute in the day, although I lie in bed for endless hours. And my hair! my dear hair... it is falling out. Ok, not in real scary big clumps or anything but more then usual, enough to notice. And Im not supposed to go off caffeine now, because I might be addicted. And well, my Mom dosen't have time to take me to the doctor... not till Saturday, anyway. So. All is not right with me, I guess physically then. Mentally? Heck no. I am into something bigger then me. I've tryed to do this thing alone, but i gave up... this one is God's. Tonight, I got lost. Yes. sounds stupid. On my way home, I can do the route in my sleep. But apparently not, no. The fog screwed me over and before I knew it I was on my phone crying to my Mom. Crying. Gosh. To my Mom... who I came in and told her the whole story about this whole thing.. I tryed it, but we don't work. I like this person, but this isen't working! And it won't work... tomorrow, or the next day or for a long while, until I somehow get my act together I guess. So. Have I done anything to end it? No! I play along with it, as if his prescence makes me forget everyhing that I am saying. It's bad enough to get hurt in result of another person, but then hurting somebody else! I can't stand it! I can't stand... this. I'm unhappy. Can't he see it? Can't he see that we don't work? I cherish his friendship, we are better off friends.. we are. Ugh.
So I found out that a old friend (ish?) of mine was angry at me. Wonderful, because she never makes an effort to talk to me, so I usually just ignore her, thinking that will make her happier, me not in her way. But. She dosen't know me. And she is angry with me about something that she has NOTHING to do with. I can't stand it. I know she is as lost as I am but this hurts. I hate the fact that I ticked her off, without even being in her prescence, and that the decisions I make effect her enough to make her angry with me. This one's God's, as well.
The season has changed, and that makes it more sad, and the reasoning will remain anyanmous. (sp?) Just yesterday I was walking downtown in fishnets. Today I was scraping ice off my windsheild. Funny how it goes, so fast, oh so fast. and then it's gone. Am I doing a good job? Am i making the most? I don't know. I really doubt it. November is my worst month, and here I am entering it not headstrong at all, I am feeling... the opposite.. and that scares me.
Choir tonight. Alto notes are hard, but I'm enjoying the songs. Work was good too. School was... fine. My iPod's broken. And guess what? The last thing to trigger anger tonight, is the fact that I have to speak with my sister on Friday at a "Father- Daughter Banquet" about my Dad. Gosh, that makes me so freaking mad... and it shouldn't. What should we talk about? The fact that...
Never mind. I have to remember the fact that people read this, ha.
Tonight, I am sad. But I pray for tomorrow... for a new day. A new day to wake up happy, even if life isen't agreeing with me. Something like that.

More.

I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

Perfect. Days like these are the days that make life what it is. These are the days where I am happy- a coffee in my hand, music in my ears, fishnets, my vans,messy rockabily hair... ; me. I want oh so much more from life. I want each and every day and each and every moment, and soak it all up. I want to find beauty in each person I encounter, in each circumstance that I experience, in.... all.
It's hard to find inspiration when your walking in the mall, and everything seems the same, and each and everyone does seem the same. But each are different, although appearence may decieve. It's easy to pinpoint a person you've never met and judge, because you don't understand them. Understanding people is like understanding life-- you may never, but you begin too each and every day. Today I am inspired to be MORE. And see .... MORE.
I left at noon for the S'toon. I took a walk downtown, with my camera and my iPod. That was good... how I love cities, lots of people... different people, strangers. Went into the library and ended up picking up more then a few awesome cds, and some books... photography ones too. I hung out at Starbucks for a while, mainly writing and just watching people, and writing some more. Found a nice pair of boots, and bought em. Bought Love is Hell, Ryan Adams, Destination: Beautiful, Mae -- and not regretting either. Value Village offered me nothing, but that I am okay with. Hung out at Mcnally for a while, but it was kind of crowded so I left fast. Been watching a movie with my parents for the past while and waiting for Bryce and Chirssy to call again. Waiting... for.... oh, I don't know. For me to make up my mind. Because in not doing so, I am hurting others, and I know that, but it's just so hard.
Good night guys... Love you all, each and every one of you is a peice of inspiration, and that I mean.


Listening to: Mae " Skyline Drive", "Sun". Ryan Adams "Political Scientist" "Avalanche"

How Do You Keep Love Alive?

Say maybe, you're going to be the one that saves me.

I was trying to do the english, but I got sidetracked with my thoughts, so I am blogging...
What risk we put in relationships .... How do we find ourselves relying on love to find us happiness? To keep that constant, happiness. And when it ends... what are we supposed to do with that sorrow? Are we to find another one to fill that empty space? What if there is no one. What if there is heartache when you find another. What if you find another and are attracted to the person, and when your with them it's fun and good but they're not like something... else. It's not, "Wow, it hurts to be without you" How do we cross that line, find ourself, from friends to... more. I know these relationships were supposed to be based on friends, but what if you can't just be friends with the person... then what will you do? What if it hurts to even talk to the person because you know it'll never be the same? What is life even for? (I mean... if you are not a Christian) Why do you go on each and every day and not have something to really look forward to? Is that what they base life on? Falling in love, then falling out of love, and in again... I mean, there's love, but love is... that love is, worldly. It's not meant to last. Do we try something out, but knowing that it's not what you want? Does it grow...? Is trying worth it, or are we to wait? I am. Tonight I am... not myself. I am pondering thoughts that I usually pick not too. It's hard to believe in love, such a thing when the relationships in your life are not based like that. It's hard to believe that there is someone out there... not for everybody, but someone you are meant to be with, for... life. Does love find itself again? Does it have to do with time? Are there times in your life when you're not meant to be with that person, but other times you are? Oh. I sound pathetic tonight, i'm sorry.
I am confused. At where I am and where I want to be. This is hard, really hard. and i'm finding it hard to ask God for help with this one, because i'm scared he'll give me the awnser I think he'll give.
Anyways. I am going to go now, because my thoughts in writing make me sound like a 13 year old.

I'm letting it go. Going to tear it apart, go back to the start. Pull the strings in my heart, little heart. Going to build it right back, to a castle not a shack. With a sun across my back. Are you ready?
Stay with your lady... just come back and save me. So slow with me, honey. Oh, how sweet, how sweet life could be. Time falls like snow, on the tip of my tongue, when it's gone.. it's gone. Where did you go? Did you tear it apart? Now you're back at the start. Now there is nothing here left, of my broken heart. So.
What does it mean to be this sad? When someone you love is supposed to keep you happy. How do you keep love alive?

The Beauty In Joy.

Current mood: Happy
Current thoughts: Why? and... Why Not?

A little bit of coffee in the morning. A little bit of Imogen Heap, and maybe Mae. A little bit of more sleeping in instead of getting ready. A little bit of looking outside instead of in the mirror. A little bit of sun shining through instead of the curtains closed when you get up.
Something like that. I don't really know. All I know is that i am happy, and the true kind of happy. Ha. A little weird todays, maybe. I Don't know... maybe it's overtiredness. Not sure. Anyways.
The only thing I really want right now is a camera. Anyone will do. Just... I want to see things in a different light, todays... through different eyes then my own. I think we all need that sometimes.
Hm. So: my weekend: was overall pretty good. Friday... was the last time I wrote? Oh yes. Sabines. So that was quite interesting... kinda neat to see some people from camp and BBI there, although Angie was missing from that crowd.. :(. So it turned out to be 11 guys and me out for coffee, which was quite interesting and not interesting at all, if you know what I mean. Um. Yeah... and then the majority of the guys and Kate came over. And Kate and I made invitations (that is right.. that was fun) and I kept my promise, and I didn't let anyone watch movies/ tv. But i let them play Xbox. Ha. Or Operation. Or Air Hockey... man, that sucked. Daniel I was leading for forever... and you ruined it! Opps: Bryce and Jared, I have your sweatshirts here. Kinda forgot about that.. i'll bring them to you tomorrow or maybe todays when we go for coffee... or did Nate call you? 3:30. Uh... yeah. Saturday morning I hung around and did some chores... oh wait! Gosh i have english homework... just remembered! better get on that! ha.. Sautrday afternoon I went to band practice with the guys, critiqued the music, took some pictures... then we all went out for coffee, and that was good. Work With Alex. Slowest night ever. We went to Dalmey to her friend Lance's house to some "Pre- Preview of their band, No Innocent Blood" Almost hit a person on the way there... lol Alex. Um. Found his house. I was overall impressed with the music, although i'm not sure where my votes go yet. It was actually pretty sweet, met some new people and some old people. Ha. Then in S'toon we hit this red light... and it didn't change for like, 5 minutes (not joking) and Evan and Zach were running around outside, that was funny.Alex and I ate some toast and cereal back at her house, and listened to some Emery and Sigur Ros... my sleep was decent. Got ready for church in the mornin, Imogen Heap and Copeland, and coffee of course. Then Church. Which was actually quite funny. Some little kid was making funny faces and Joel started laughing and he had to leave, which made Andy and I laugh harder. Alex was drawing some cute cartoons, and the pastor made a joke about my current relationship, so if not the whole world knows already, my church all knows now. Wonderful. Andy and I wrote notes, and I came home. And look! My family is home! Lol I was kind of happy to see them, have to say. But now, I am sorry for blogging about not very interesting things. But I need to go do english, and then coffee! So. Have a good day all, I mean it.
Love.

Listening to: Copeland "Coffee", "Don't I Hold You" Wheat

5:30 Thoughts

I am: Cold. And for some reason... tired. It's as if everytime I go to sleep, to dream, I am disapointed. As if sleeping isen't enough anymore. Like slowing down is necessary... I don't know. I hate the thought that I will have to go on medication to sleep, But i just don't know anymore. I lie in bed for so many hours, wishing that I would be asleep. But it dosen't happen. And then the next day is 10 times more hard.
I have decided that this blogging thing is rather pointless. I mean, who cares enough to read like 5 minutes of random thoughts about me and my bleak life? Oh well. It feels better. Like my journal does. But my journal hasen't been used much for thoughts lately. I hate getting behind with that thing... all that seems to come out of my head into that thing is poems. And, wow. I am not good at that... how i wish i was. Because, "realtiy is privy" and love is reality and .... ;etc
I went and worked for Rhonda todays, 1-5. It was a rather interesting shift, long and quite boring. I scrubbed pans for an hour, which reminded me of good old camp. Getting out of there to go the bank and the mail for faith cleared my head a little, the computer seemed to be acting dumb and the people that came in bothered me. Ha. Ivy let me go home early, so that was sweet. I am home now, yes.
I heard a country song todays... "Good Life" or something like that, by Brad Johnner. I don't know what it was called. But the lyrics were good. Of course, real simple like any other country song. But i don't know... it made me think a little more about what I have and the things that I want, and it's pointless. I have a good life. And still I complain. I don't get it. I don't get me, sometimes.
It's funny because someone I have come to realize who some of the people in my life are. Now. Or somewhat. I mean, you can never know a person of that kind of relationship to that kind of extent, but I think i'm getting it. and im glad, it made me realize some things about myself as well.
Aw. the girls are gone this weekend for volleyball, leaves me rather sorta lonely.. but not really. It's guy's company this weekend. Sabines tonight, Curtis Braun covering Jack Johnson. That's pretty sweet. Tomorrow I am taking the pictures, instead of todays. My family is in Edmonton, and my Mom just called to ask me what I wanted from Urban Outiftters.. that made me smile. Don't know about tomorrow... really. I am undecided. I'm not sure where to draw the line, I guess. Ha. that was vague. But that's just me.
So. I think that is all i can think of right now. Except, call me if you would like. That's all.

W hen they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Steal my records
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When youre walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Steal my records
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish youd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe youll rest sometime
I wish I could...

- Ryan Adams, Come Pick Me Up

Strangers.

Oh. What comfort there is in... strangers.
What beauty there is in... in a stranger. How i long sometimes to be in that crowd of people, once again, no one knowing my name, no one knowing me... the mistakes i've made, the decisions that i have made, my flaws, the scars... The scars.
I feel so inclosed sometimes. I feel like... everyone is watching me, crowding me into an opinion of who they think I am... or who they thought I was. I can't help it. I can't help everybodys opinons, I can't help there judgement... I Can just help... myself. And the thought of getting out of here helps me breathe again.
Did you ever walk down the street and someone caught your eye? Not, maybe someone of the opposite sex but of someone that you felt for. Immediately. Like you could relate to them, like their own flaws were of your own? If you could just take that chance, go talk to them... that you're life would be altered forever? But you don't, because you are afraid. Of what they will think of you, although the beauty in it is that they know nothing of you, pre-concieved gossip and rumors... I've made that mistake. Too many times.
Strangers. To be explored. There is a whole world of people, and these years of living in this is not the end. But the beginning. It is the beginning of something... new. There is a whole world to be explored... strangers to be met... an infinite abyss (yes. it is garden state) And this is my adventure.
Alli and I had our own adventure (off roading.. yess) to Shekinah todays. When you see scenery like that you remember it why you continue, each and day. The picture is something she took herself, so kudos to her (yeah i didn't even ask permission.. silly me. she sent it though) I guess my life changed once again.... as of yesterday. It's funny. Chances people take. That that one sentence could alter your life so dramatically, but I guess that's how it goes. And I guess I let go. And now it is something... new. So. Wow.
It is the weekend once again... and that fact is beautiful. I got my stuff from the Art Institute todays and I spent second class spare at Sabines with my tall- medium- roast coffee-with- one packet of sugar, looking over it. Nicki told me that a friend of her's had just graduated from there so that is kinda neat.
Our Worship night was tonight. I think it went okay... i was actually impressed with us. For Amber suddenly taking up electric on the first song, Nathan drums, Evan solo, Alistar electric, and Derek Bass.. lol, that is way to change it up. It went really fast though. Wow. The kids were... well normal Junior high kids, but i'm sure it'll improve by each time we do it. My vocals could have been more smoother, and I blew some of my alto parts.. but hey. That's life.
I think I am going to leave though... this whole not watching tv/ movies as week (because I promised Ed) kind of drives me crazy on nights like this where there is nothing else. Although.. my parents will be gone onfriday again and i'll have the house to myself. So maybe I can do more socializing then movie watching. Ha. We're going to Josh Braun covering Jack Johnson on Friday. And Andy and I might be taking a trip to the library/ dress shopping and chinease food on friday. So. I am good. Today was good.
God Bless.

Things I Am Going To Miss

I think this has been the best day of school in the history of well, best days at school...? :).
This has been good... these past 2 days. The helped me figure things out a little, figured out what the future may hold... am I in? I think yes.
How was inner-city, you ask? Amazing! It was so awesome to be back there... it was cool to see the kids even remember me after how many months of me being gone... Stella and Morgan crowded around me... and Becca, the cutest 5 year old ever came and sat down on my lap. She is my favorite... lol, you should see her when you tickle her. I was tickling her on the bus, on her stomache and she would scream when she laughed... it was so cute. Oh, and she's going to draw me a picture of clouds.. I am so stoked for that. Stella wrapped up in my jacket right always and gosh, it was sad. She was telling me about her Mom and I don't know... that's when reality hits. That's when you realize what home these kids come from, the families, the area they live in... and then here I am. Wow. But The best part is taking the kids home on the bus, defnitely. Um. Yeah... I went home, made Jas and Matt some pizza. Chrissy and Ashten came over, lol! Funniest prank call ever (no worries Nate... or alli!) and then Beth joined us. A movie not to watch... house of Wax, although it was kinda funny to see Ashten squirm after, and Chrissy try to scare her.
So... for todays. First, was English. It twas okay, although we only sold two yearbooks.. that was defnitely not cool. but hey! Michael is going to help us tomorrow. :). Oh and Joel (the Foth one.. my little brother :) ) gave me the best gingersnap cookie ever. Um. Oh! second class spare. We headed over to Sabines and Nicki made me the best Carmel Mochiatto I have ever tasted (im serious- better then Starbucks) I think that is pretty much the coolest part about Waldheim. Other then Merchants. If you lie in the middle of the baseball field, you can see the stars perfectly... and the sky just stretches on forever... it's beautiful. Everything just seems more real... there. At night.
Oh! so i decided im going to make a list of things that I like about Waldheim: (a brief one)
- The lack of people in our school. Everyone knowing your name... and getting away with too much, with the teachers
- Sabines Coffee Shop.
- The store. Since working there, you get to memorize everybodys phone numbers and everything about everyone! LOl and being part of "that family"
- Merchants. Golfing backwards and fakely with Brittani, all those nights of lying there looking at the stars, turning on the stadium lights and running away, fireworks, magic flowers, roof climbing the clubhouse... cuz it's way too easy.
- Rolf climbing. Salem is the best... you can see everything. Dan, I miss you and you're intensity. So much for our plan to go serious roof climbing this summer.
- The graveyard. Brings back fond memories of grade 10.
- The bunkhouse. Man, Andy... those were the days! Or not the days. :). ha: Bryce and the Swiss Family Robinson, walks in the rain, Lily, bonfires... and the guys dancing around them, chasing Jay and Chris.
- All my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you.
- When something like a new stop sign can get as this excited
- Stealing costumes from the figure skating room at the areana.
- It's so small you can call a person's name across town and you'll get a hold of em (Or Chad can) Logan: "Guys! I hear voices!"
- Grad night. Actually. Open houses, and late night parties. Waskeisu for the weekend. Sad though :(
- The fact that co-ed sleepovers weren't a problem until last year. ha.
- Sports. In being a provincial champion, you get regonized for the next 6 months!
- Only in Waldheim do you call your teachers up in the Summer time, get invited over there for movies and bonfires
- The arcade was pretty cool. When it closed, and we went there and played pool.
So. I am not finished. Well, I am. For now.

Third class was history. Lol. That was sure a funny class... Andy, Chad and I, love you both. Oh! and a 91% on my history test... kinda sweet. I got full marks on my long awnser, and my essay almost did. Kinda blew the multiple choice, but meh. lunch was good... hanging with Kate, and my new vogue. yess. Art was fun, of course. Then spare. Which was okay... kinda lonely. but guess what?! takin the creative writing class through correspondence.. as of tomorrow. So that is defnitely good news! We had worship practice... didn't go over as well as it should have, so that kinda sucked since our Worship Night is wed. Hm. Oh well. I'm sure God we'll help us with that one. So im home now... im going to work on my sketchbook tonight and clean my room.. i've let that go to far. So! You guys have a good night, k?!

The Becoming.

Before reading this... read the post before it. It makes more sense...

Things have never made more sense. This had only been a chapter of my life... this is the start of something new, something fresh, a beginning... and all it is is beautiful. So, let's just say.. i've pertended that things are okay these past few weeks. And now it has caught up to me. This is the breakdown.
The story of life is quicker then a blink of an eye. Love is hello and goodbye... until we meet again...
I don't want to hold things inside anymore. "In lies we can never be what we wanted to be... in truth we are bound to limitations. We are limited birds... and I am in my becoming" I am sick of living in a lie. I am sick of people not knowing "me" what is real, what is true... the raw stuff. So. this is my beginning... this is my chapter. I am ready.

( All my thanks goes to Logan tonight. He helped me sort through my mess and offered only words of wisdom, of that he always does. He said something to me tonight that made even more sense, and although I don't have his permisson i am going to post it:
"you dont understand how important this conversation and you are too me, we are a rarity, when something this honest and real can happen i feel a bit more excited for the next day. im not one too get all that excited, but understanding the beauty of this conversation makes me joyous." and he left with "This is fate. This is the way it is supposed to be."
I am ever thankful for what a great friend he truely his. He is the kind of guy that changes your life with just a word. That is what I miss in him. )

Just One Of Those Nights.

what i am feeling tonight:
- Lonely (my family is all gone)
- Cold (shaking cold)
- Left out (.. thanks Bryce! friends since when? Just because you've been stalking me all week for that one reply and I still haven't told you dosen't mean I hate you! :) )

in need of:
- inspiration
- company
- proper food
- a hug
- probably sleep... and maybe a good cry

so. I finally gave in. I got myself a myspace -- lol. I told myself I never would, but the idea of those thing's are way to fun (add me! myspace.com/beautifulbreakdown_) that is, when i get everything figured out. but this is my blog... i hate the fact that i have 3 of em now. lol.
but Life is sure different lately. It always take this kind of turn at this time of year. I don't really know why. but it's depressing, in a way. I get flashbacks of grade 10's november, that one particular night and it makes me cringe. How could I ever be that far deep? How?
Metric is done. I don't really have money for it anyways, so it's good. I'm still hoping in the back of my mind that someone will want to accompany me and still go but. ha. I was trying to think of someone but I realli couldn't... Metric. hm...
ha. this sounds weird but I really, really want to cry. I hate it. I'm the person that hates to cry, as if i'm giving in. That's what it's like for me. So i've held all thesse feelings lately back and i'm just waiting for the breakdown. Just waiting...
I think that maybe this is what maybe God is showing me. This is nothingness, because he wants me to slow down. He wants me to slow down and maybe listen to him and what he wants for me... Maybe?
Sorry if this thing is depressing, I don't want to come across as that. Just... it's one of those nights. you know?
It's kinda cool to see the people that have just popped up on msn and started talking... A Thank-You to the people, my friends, that are so precious to me. You guy's are the sunshine in my life. I mean it.
I guess I am looking forward to tomorrow... a new day, new oppertunites, new people... and we get to go to Innercity (Chrissy, Joel, Justin, youth pastor- justin so that should be fun in itself) I've really missed those kids.
But guys. Honestly, if you are lonely... really, really feel free to call me up to talk, or go out for coffee, or take a walk.. anything. I am SO up for it. k? I might even be as selfish to say that I need it. :).
So. leave me a comment if ya want. I am going to... well.... do more nothing. or...
Love.

listening to tonight:
- Damien Rice
- accoustic Death Cab
- Trespassers William (esp. "Love You More" and "Different Stars")

Lost.

I am so excited about telling you about are a little adventure down 20th. (lol darned people who gave me directions... :) ) So. Left at the Mcdonalds started our journey to the unknown. So. we kept on going down it... and we turned somewhere, and I get out of my truck to ask this nice older lady ( or i thought so) with groceries for directions. but no, she was high. ... and then we somehow ended up near confed. and had to turn around in the parking lot, well Ashten is cracking jokes and me and Alli are nearly in tears. ("So Thomas and his friends are going to this party tonight." "Oh? wait.. shoot, Ashten. We didn't get money" "Why, you think there will be strippers there?" "Funny, Ashten. Wait... we are so lost") and we phone chrissy's mom and ask her for directions. she has ave. p. but we are so in the wrong lane (directions sooner, guys!) so we turn right, turn around at the hospital.. and keep on going north until we realized that mount royal is nowhere. and neither was that road. so we park. phone chrissys and her mom's cell's. no awnser. Phone Thomas... go back to avenue w (where we were at the start! except we turned left... instead of right) so we are going back to 22nd and we realized that the road we were supposed to turn on is right there. so sure enough. there is mount royal. and we just missed the guy's game. Ha. So.. we pick up Chrissy and then we headed over to Ozzie's for some supper... good food. Then we went to Midtown. And "met"/ overheard Ms. Lucky at Gap... uh, awkward. defnitely. we meet thomas and ashten leaves. I buy the new Broken Social Scene (wow! words cannot explain. I am overly impressed... except for the fact that there is a scratch on it now) and leave. no trouble getting back to mount royal... yess. watch some volleyball... hang out with some of the guys beforehand... and the whole Joel-Erin thing is confusing, still. :). they lose. we leave... after ashten call's us to meet her and thomas at Tim Hortons. He didn't bring friends. We met. We left. We get home. And i find out that Metric is coming! (wow!) and chrissy's going to pick up the tickets tomorrow. I still cannot believe it.. lol, we were just complaining about the lack of shows lately. So this blog has been weird... so i am going to leave. Maybe i'm overtired? maybe.

Random's.

Bored. but driven with something... energy, perhaps? A little bit of a sarcastic tone to me too. Man, I love fridays. I love the fact that there is a weekend.. a wide open space for aboustely nothing. Where, you don't have to go to school... back to routine, face those people, face the teachers, face the work... Just you. And well, of course... chores and work but hey. And friends! :) (physched for "girls" (ha..) night out tonight. Although, school wasen't so bad.. probably because i only had two classes :). Lol in class essay in eng. but i think i did okay.. lol, not every sound is Amber's stomach! that was funny. We're going to watch volleyball at Mount Royal and then Thoma's football.. and then who knows where we'll go from there.. :) ) . So, I am so-in-deep with new Metric. I love it. Funny, because most of the music usually depresses me... that electronic pop sound with the tricky guitars that sound's a little too happy. How can you do that everyday? Well.. I like this better. It has a little more depth to it, I think.. it illustrates Emily and her band's musical talent. Been dancing to "Empty"... and "Police and the Private" is well done as well. "Handshakes" is bound for a commerical. Oh! I heard A Postal Service song todays. On a car ad. I was disapointed. It's cool to see that some of these bands, with the real hard work and talent, finally get their chance to shine... but I hate it. It's my music. I don't what this stuff to play over the airwaves, and make me hate it. I saw Feist's "Inside and Out" on some countdown yesterday and i was nearly outraged... :).
My parents are leaving us three alone for the weekend as well as the next. That's the best part about winter, probably. Anyways.. I am going to dance (ha!) to some more metric and you know, get ready or something. :). out.

A Dead End.

So i've hit a dead end. I think I am at the point where I am sitting here, clueless. I don't know what God wants for me, and I sure don't know what I want for me. It seems as life hits it high for a while.. and that is where things are going on in your life, and then it gets slow again and you sit there, a little anxious on your seat, just waiting. Well, what am I waiting for?...
hm, what exactly is going on with me? Today was one of those days that turned out good because you made it good. :). i got to sleep in.. and my Mom made me french toast.. and I got to listen to Jack Johnson (that's a way to start the day) and the good ended about there. My dad came in... lol, and stupid me.. I opened my mouth. "I don't have time for you" is what i got for a response. Wonderful. So, time to put on the headphones and listen to "angry" music as he madly drives you to school at 160 so i don't waste any more of "his time" Ha.
So. I got to school... hung out with with some random people in the hallways until it was time to sell yearbooks.. which took pretty much the whole history class except for the last 5 minutes in which Chad and I had a conversation about his eraser... yes, tis is true. :). Then assembley, which we told on the grade 11s for sitting on our wall, mocked out the grade 9's and some anyonomous other people :)... oh! and were the target for that kid in grade 9's paper airplane! That was creepy. Ha. Then we went to lunch... Chrissy, Ashten, Beth and I. Then... me and Andy had a good conversation well doing history... and then Trevor and Chad joined us. And then... Math. In which I did... 2 questions? Hm. yeah. that was pretty much my day. Oh! work. of course. Crazy night. Crazy list... and the interac broke down, and Andy sat on the phone for hours with the people.. actually, on hold. They told her they couldn't do anything. So, that was awesome. Man, i love when people get grumpy at us. Oh, but cash out was timeless. I love laughing with you Andy... and you dodging big boxes of meat in the freezer, that's right. Then sure enough, Chrissy and Ashten are hanging out outside of the store, so we talked for a while.. and look now im home! That's right.
So. I am so excited for the weekend...! I need to get out of this week. I am sick of routine, and school and work, and mainly routine. ha. 'Nite.

Who Knows Where It Will Take Us...

So. I said i would come back when I had more things to say. But I don't really. I guess all i'm saying is more on a happier note. I love those days... where everything just feels so wrong, and then you end the day with an experience that makes it all worthwile. To cherish the little things, each and every moment with these people that have been my friends through high school... but who knows how long we will be friends, after I am gone? It's funny... because which will be the ones I will keep in touch with? I remember last winter... it was one of those days where our midterm was cancelled because it was too cold. And we were at Jared's. Making cookies. And we were sitting around his kitchen table making bets too eachother that we would stay friends after high school. Ha. I like to think of it that way... but who knows where life will take each of us?
Well tonight... Alli and I drove to Dalmney to watch some guys volleyball... which was kind of a cool experience. Lol, everyone in Dalmney was there, everyone. Ha.. Brooke and Alli are here! Let's all look up and ignore Mr. Zach's coaching techniques and stare and wave at them... uh, awkward. lol. "Who wants to go to the city?!" "No one?" Alli and I begin to leave "What, you're going to the city? Of course we want to come" lol.. the best was Joel's lecture to Michael and Derek about not touching or making any moves on me well he was gone. We went to Wendy's and ate some good food ("I'm about the only gangster in my class"... lol Alli!) and I got some red hair dye... it's only one box so i'll just do a touch of it, nothing too harsh.
Something encouraging about today was my parents postivity towards the idea of me going to Capernwray in Australia next year. It is something I am again, really getting excited about. My Aunt Char told us that she knows of someone that went there last year and really, really enjoyed it... and the music program as well, which is the best part. So.. tomorrow. Pancake b'fast, and no first class... yess! Anyways. Love you all... better get back to that english stuff. oh.. and that note to ashten...