I Know You're There But I Can't Feel You

please excuse this blog, it's just my feelings tonight, feelings that I want to be okay again,

One thing I want so bad at the moment: Is to feel God. I know he' s there, but I don't feel him. I doubt so much, I complain so much, and yet he's here, he is.
Let's amend this classic story; close it so beautifully. I'll let amionsity unwind, steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully, i'll still feel the violence of the lines: God Called In Sick Todays.
Why can't I just take that into hand and.... I do my devotions, I go to church, I talk to him, but it's just... not... right. You know? And i don't know how to change that. I don't get know to get back to him, is it that I make things right with myself before I go back to him? Sure, I talk to him and ask him about it, but how am I supposed to know the awnsers? Sure, i'll say I need an experience, something like camp, but. I don't think that's what I need. I mean, it'd be nice but... I don't know, does anyone understand? Sorry. I'm a little broken tonight. Well, I guess it started....
Take this as you like, but please, please don't judge, please don't take "me" differently:
I went to the doctors this morning. I don't know, if you've been reading my blog anytime then you probably knew the syptoms I was suffering with. Well, bascially she cut down everything and quetsioned me like only a therapist should be doing. She told me I need to cut down things from my life, first on the list, working. She says I am underweight and I need to gain weight. She asked me quetsions about my eating appetites and my concern for my weight, and things that have been bothering me and... She says i need to go on meds. Like, what kind of meds? Well. Let's not go into this. then she made me get my blood taken at this other lab, and on my way there my truck spun out and that's where I was sick. I was sick of everything. But I was angry. I was angry at her because the way she talked to me as if she knew what was going on with me. And my Mom flipped and now she's onto this whole big thing about asking me quetsions and counscellors and...
I don't want to feel like this. I really didn't need it. I thought i was good, and things were fine but. I don't know where I am now. right now, no. I just want to live life the way I have been. I mean, with God. but.
the whole day wasen't bad, I promise. I am in a fine mood I guess, I just don't really feel like I should be. I spent the afternoon at the library: just me and Eva Casidy and my art books and my notebook. And that was fine, I got some stuff done. I wandered the mall for a while, and ate a bagel AND soup for lunch just to prove her wrong, even though I felt really sick after. and wandered some more. Then Zach came and, well. I know he'll be reading this soon enough, so just thanks. You get me and you let me talk and I don't know how to explain it, but thanks.
The ride home was okay, although kinda icy. And when I got home Chad called for coffee, but I wasn't allowed. Which is quite fine, although I was happy to be invited. Mhm. Man, I just sound horrible, I realy need to get ontop of this whole negative thing, I really do.
Thanks for reading. Really. That in itself means much.

You Hold The Universe, You Hold Everyone On Earth, You Hold the Universe. Hold me tonight, please.