Right.

Tonight things just don't feel right with me. I feel... tired. And sick. And the fact that I haven't ate anything nourishing since sunday makes me wonder... and the fact that I am horribly tired each and every minute in the day, although I lie in bed for endless hours. And my hair! my dear hair... it is falling out. Ok, not in real scary big clumps or anything but more then usual, enough to notice. And Im not supposed to go off caffeine now, because I might be addicted. And well, my Mom dosen't have time to take me to the doctor... not till Saturday, anyway. So. All is not right with me, I guess physically then. Mentally? Heck no. I am into something bigger then me. I've tryed to do this thing alone, but i gave up... this one is God's. Tonight, I got lost. Yes. sounds stupid. On my way home, I can do the route in my sleep. But apparently not, no. The fog screwed me over and before I knew it I was on my phone crying to my Mom. Crying. Gosh. To my Mom... who I came in and told her the whole story about this whole thing.. I tryed it, but we don't work. I like this person, but this isen't working! And it won't work... tomorrow, or the next day or for a long while, until I somehow get my act together I guess. So. Have I done anything to end it? No! I play along with it, as if his prescence makes me forget everyhing that I am saying. It's bad enough to get hurt in result of another person, but then hurting somebody else! I can't stand it! I can't stand... this. I'm unhappy. Can't he see it? Can't he see that we don't work? I cherish his friendship, we are better off friends.. we are. Ugh.
So I found out that a old friend (ish?) of mine was angry at me. Wonderful, because she never makes an effort to talk to me, so I usually just ignore her, thinking that will make her happier, me not in her way. But. She dosen't know me. And she is angry with me about something that she has NOTHING to do with. I can't stand it. I know she is as lost as I am but this hurts. I hate the fact that I ticked her off, without even being in her prescence, and that the decisions I make effect her enough to make her angry with me. This one's God's, as well.
The season has changed, and that makes it more sad, and the reasoning will remain anyanmous. (sp?) Just yesterday I was walking downtown in fishnets. Today I was scraping ice off my windsheild. Funny how it goes, so fast, oh so fast. and then it's gone. Am I doing a good job? Am i making the most? I don't know. I really doubt it. November is my worst month, and here I am entering it not headstrong at all, I am feeling... the opposite.. and that scares me.
Choir tonight. Alto notes are hard, but I'm enjoying the songs. Work was good too. School was... fine. My iPod's broken. And guess what? The last thing to trigger anger tonight, is the fact that I have to speak with my sister on Friday at a "Father- Daughter Banquet" about my Dad. Gosh, that makes me so freaking mad... and it shouldn't. What should we talk about? The fact that...
Never mind. I have to remember the fact that people read this, ha.
Tonight, I am sad. But I pray for tomorrow... for a new day. A new day to wake up happy, even if life isen't agreeing with me. Something like that.