i always want to say something that will mean more then an empty takeout case that sits on the sidewalk drowned in raindrops. I feel like everytime I get close to say something that will change the things that lie between us, you fight it.
do you fight it and not even know it?
or, what i'm afraid of has come true.

there is no strength left in me to do anything about it, anymore.

i walked that street tonight, the one i've walked so many times in the company of no one. the streelight never seemed to function the way it should and that made me think of what is between us.

i've gotten used to everything that is you: the importance of your routine, and the way you seem to admire me when night has fallen. the feel of the touch and what you make it mean. how you seem to remember the short distance between here and where it is going to be, and i don't know how i will stand it. the way you seem to never forget where i am or where i am going. the way things are suddenly seeming surreal for you, and different, and you don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.

it ironic the way i change my feelings toward change. but I know this time, where my favor will be. and it will be with you, and not this.

all i want right now, is everything that you would never want for me. i don't think that has to do with what you needed, either. because i think we correspond on this matter.

sometimes i'm looking out the window at all the nonexistent lights, and other times i walk between the swarm of people and the noise, but i don't ever forget. i will miss the time we shook hands and said goodbye. i will miss it because i think that will be the only time that things will be real for us.

im looking for all the wrong things. im looking for all the things that seem to go against what reality has set out for me.

sometimes im looking out the window at all the nonexistent buildings, and walking between the swarms of people and realize that life couldn't work any other way. And I don't know how it will. But that's how reality has set out for me.

i thought one day, and again, maybe today, that everything i've said lately seems to come right back to you.
i've tried so many ways to get inside anothers head, to pursue to live a life that didn't have anything to do with your conditional love, with your awkward actions and your selfishness.

i turned the corner, but you know I didn't really. I feel like some days that most of me is shrunk behind those shadows and I am waiting to come out.
You want me too, but you can't always win.
I think I want to too. But if there is some sort of conscience left in me, I think it comes out at this moments when it means that I have to give everything. I don't give anything. And I don't want you to think that I should.


The other day, I walked out of the shadows but I walked the other way. I walked the other way and I realized everything you had done, to me, and I realized, your not worth it. Not worth it, anymore. Your not worth it because I made a mistake and you won't care to forgive me.

never got the way you felt. About me. I never got it because I was used to having what I wanted and you came along and you changed that, not because you weren't want I wanted, but because you were what I needed and I failed to see that. I like when times on my side, but oh dear, it isen't now. It fades so slowly and its getting closer.... and all I want, is it back. I want something that is you back, so I can trace my finger along the dots and create a line. A line back to where I went wrong and you were all right.

I'm always too late.